Young Writers Society

Hey Chrissy,

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of Team Autumn. I'll comment on anything that stands out to me as I'm reading, and then try to give a general summary of my thoughts at the end. Let's get started...

I was raised to believe that can't should not be a part of anyone's vocabulary, but even so, it was terrifying to hear myself respond: “okay.”

I'd suggest putting "can't" in either double "" or single '' quotation marks so that the sentence reads easier. It took me a few times of reading for me to realize what this sentence meant because "can't should not" is how I read it, like a double-negative, and it didn't really make sense at first.

I have learned to recognize a strange beauty in the HTML that rivals that of a completed Calculus equation.

Calculus is not a proper noun, which means that it shouldn't be capitalized when it comes in the middle of a sentence.

It is a pleasure that remains strictly my own; there are few who can see it.

You might want to be a bit more specific here with what you mean. The part of this sentence before the semi-colon directly contradicts the part that comes after the semi-colon. If something is "strictly" your own then it means just that -- that you are the only person who has it. Like... it's hard to think of examples for something like that... but like your bodily autonomy is strictly your own -- no one else gets to decide whether or not you're okay with what happens to your body. My novel is strictly my own -- no one else gets to take credit for it or have a decision about how it will go. I'm an adult, so my pets are strictly my own -- they are not family pets, they are not strays, they are my pets and no one else's.

But if there are a "few" other people who can claim it then that means it is not strictly your own. Like my family's dog I will call "my" dog but it's not strictly my own -- it's my family's and I have to share rights to it. I am getting ramble-y now so I'll stop, but do you kinda know what I mean? It's awesome that you can code with HTML and it's definitely a great skill to have and not many people have it -- but it's not strictly your own since others can do it as well. Maybe you mean something more along the lines of it being a pleasure that you alone in your family enjoy or something like that? I suspect that's what you mean -- that no one else in your family knows how to do it. But you might want to present it as that rather than how you have it now.

~ ~ ~

Okay! This is good, I like it!

One of the big things that stood out to me, though, is how casual it is. And I have no idea what the culture of your company is like -- maybe that's what you were aiming for. But in general the bios I have seen are third-person perspectives, and tend to be quick and concise. For example, my advisor wrote bios for each one of us in the lab. The one he wrote for me is:

"[redacted] is originally from West Virginia but did her undergraduate work in South Carolina. Most recently, she returned from Bangkok, Thailand, where she was a middle and high school science teacher. Right now, she is the quiet one in the lab. We feel that she will show her true colors with time. Her research interests are varied, but she will be conducting a molecular and morphological study of Poeciliopsis pleurospilus in Mexico and Central America."

For another person he wrote:

"[redacted] is a first year graduate student in the lab. She graduated from [redacted] University in 2018. She is from Illinois so she is automatically on the cool list in the lab. It is too early to know whether or not she is a Cubs fan or White Sox fan, but her answer will play a huge role on whether or not she stays on the cool list. She will be using ecological niche modelling coupled with field work to examine the distribution of a select group of threatened and imperiled fishes in Louisiana."

So like, he still makes it personal and entertaining, but rather than it being a narrative it's more of a summary, you know? So what I mean by that is things like, rather than have the account of the dialogue between you and your dad, you could summarize it like "In 2015 my father asked me to build the _____'s website, which required that I become proficient in HTML coding. Now, I still provide most of our company's technical support and also manage most of the marketing." Or something like that? Like that's not a great example, but is a way you could make it concise, even if you wanted to keep the first person narrative.

But, like I said, what you have now is pretty good! Keep up the great work!

~Shady

Hi Chrissy, this seems like a pretty straightforward biographical statement - so I'll just be giving a few critiques/suggestions

It would help if you said more about what type of purpose this statement serves - will it just be posted on the company website? Are you trying to seem professional? Fun? Unique? Would you recycle it for a job application in the future? Those sorts of things might help determine the content. Do you want the reader to be interested in the business or know you better?

Without knowing it that it's really hard to know how to critique it.

I'd say you took a somewhat casual and fun tone to your biography - it's not what I would put on a job application, and it does meander quite a bit, but you do portray your role at the company positively, and the reader knows more about you by reading this piece.


A few critiques:

"It is hard to pin down the exact point in time when I began to work for Classified. By the time I was twelve, I was already doing small jobs around the office. It was by no means a steady job, but I was learning."

-> depending on where you live and what your family company does, I think this could be interpreted in a negative light.
In many states/countries child-labor is illegal - so implying that you were working without pay at a young age, could give the wrong message about your company, and even potentially create legal questions for potential customers. I think rephrasing to say, you'd grown up around the business and were quickly involved, might be a better route - just watch your phrasing here.

In 2015, my father said a very strange thing to me. Out of the blue, and completely at random, he said: “Build Classified a new website.”

Interesting, I think it's a good choice to include a bit about your family since that's your tie to the company and people love family ran businesses. Having both "out of the blue" and "at random" is redundant -> they mean the same thing, so you only need one.

I was raised to believe that can't should not be a part of anyone's vocabulary, but even so, it was terrifying to hear myself respond: “okay.”

-> This part seemed a bit hyped up, why did you feel so scared about it? Were you afraid of failing, afraid of the internet, what stirred up these fears? -

You should also put "can't" in quotation marks - to avoid it being a double-negative.

I graduated when I was fifteen, and with school behind me, I dedicated all my time to building the website.

You graduated at fifteen that's awesome! Not many people do that! That is worth highlighting even more! Did you really dedicate all of your time to the website building though? Be careful not to exaggerate.

Since then, I have learned to recognize a strange beauty in the HTML that rivals that of a completed Calculus equation. It is a pleasure that remains strictly my own; there are few who can see it.

Now, years later, I handle all of the technical work and a good portion of the marketing. I supervise the website, and handle the newsletter; the onboarding procedure is mine to maintain, as is the PBX system, and the list goes on seemingly into infinity.

-> I liked this! Showed so much growth from when you first started out. And shows your dedication.

Outside of work, my hobbies are simple and few in number.

"simple" has the connotation of "easy" -> so I think I'd pick a different word, you don't want to sell yourself short in a biography, there's really no reason to.

But where my passion truly lies is in writing. There is a strange pleasure and thrill to be found in the action of putting words to paper. Sorrow can be there, and joy; love and heartbreak. I put what free time I have into writing the many stories that exist nowhere but in my head.

My unrealized ambition is to be a published author. It is a lot, but I have my whole life ahead. There is time enough there, I hope, to accomplish my dreams. But the clock is ticking

To be honest the section about writing was interesting, but felt very over-dramatic. I mean if that's your personality I think that's probably fine, but to me it just came off as dramatic to the point of almost sounding fake? Like "the clock is ticking" part especially, I was just like, wait isn't the author an 18 year old? huh?! I would think unless the company sells products marketed to children, most of the readers will be way over 18, so reading about an 18 year old who believes "the clock is ticking" might be off-putting. I think writing about your determination and passion is really great to show your personality though.

That's all I had! Writing autobiographical information can be super difficult, and I think you did a nice job of portraying yourself as a real person with an interesting life-story and interests.

~alliyah