Boy Craze

Hi Chrissy!

Here to review your short story for you! I have been following a lot of your works so far, which made me want to read this one as well. I did think it was an interesting idea to be dealing with - how boys are everywhere and all girls at a certain teenage age do is think about them and everything. And I know that this is a reality for a lot of people! So I was intrigued with how you included that into a short story. I am going to be honest and say that maybe you could've written this in a more exciting way? It brought it's message across, but there were a few points for improvement which I am going to mention below in just a minute. I do think this is something a lot of people will be able to relate to which makes it such a great idea for a short story. On top of that, I liked how even though she seemed to be judging her friends for being so boy crazy, in the end, she was as well!

One thing I would've liked this to be was longer? I know this is a short story, and short stories can also come in the form of flash fiction, but this might work best if there is some more to it. I think there wasn't enough of the humor in such a way that the story actually appeared funny to me. And I am sure if you give yourself a few more words and a bit more space to add in jokes amongst the actual storyline, the humor will shine through. So that is something you might want to consider doing!

I also felt like it was a bit too much of I do this and I do that, especially at the beginning. I understood the meaning you tried to get across, but it might've worked better if this wasn't all in narrative? Maybe you should get her to call her friends instead of facebook them, so that then we can have some dialogue in there as well, and be introduced to some more characters that we really get to meet other than just her. You could let us hear a couple of lines from the television aloud in spoken too, so that the movie brings the message home a bit more. Have some of the lyrics of a Justin Bieber song put out loud into dialogue as well. Things like that can break this up a bit more when it comes to style as well.

Also, one thing I wondered was where was this girls party? I got the impression that she was thirteen year old, and surely her parents wouldn't leave her on her own usually. And I was also thinking that they wouldn't want to have such an untidy house. So this made me wonder where her mother might possibly be, and why she is at home doing whatever she pleases.

The rest of the feedback I have for you is purely nitpicks. I try not to do this too often, but I think here the writing could use it a bit.

I lay on the top of my electric blanket spread across the top of my sleep

number mattress, staring at the ceiling as I listen to Justin Beiber sing about some girl he loves who doesn’t love him or something like that.

In just a little while I’m gossiping away on Facebook with practically all my friends except for a few who are on dates with one boy or another and happen to be the people that are supplying us with a rather interesting topic.

After an hour of enlightening conversation by which I discovered that the people in question were going to a super expensive restaurant, which was strange because of the girl had told me earlier that they were planning on going through a drive-through and taking a walk, my growling stomach informs me that it time for me to ransack the cupboards for my dinner.

I spend the next half-hour watching this girl fall for a boy who’s fallen for some other girl that fell for a different boy that likes the first girl.

This was a fun thing to read. There are countless girls like this where I go to school, not mean or anything, but simply are interested in this stuff. I personally think that this is better with no excitement at all, because this is regular life, and there are no giant murderous robots in normal life. You do the mockery well, not going overboard with fangirling, but not making it bland either. Keep writing!

Hi!

So... uh... did you misspell Justine Bieber's name on purpose? Or is that supposed to be a thing that you did on purpose?

Also, I am probably missing some inside humor here, but I couldn't find the story or plot. It was about some girl who basically did nothing all day. Shouldn't you have a little bit more excitement somewhere in here? Or is supposed to be boring on purpose as a kind of mockery of teen literature?

Great short story but with just one problem.
No sane person would ever date Justin.

Hey,
Okay firstly I don't know if you meant for it to be cynical but that's the vibe I got and I absolutely loved it!
It's so relatable. Well ofcourse it is considering it's every teenagers story.

" I spend the next half-hour watching this girl fall for a boy who’s fallen for some other girl that fell for a different boy that likes the first girl. By the time I’ve worked my way to the bottom of my dish, at least two of the main characters have suffered from near death experiences, the others have had a complete change of heart and everybody is kissing the right person."


Can I just say that, that^ is literally the only part I have reread countless times and still ended up bursting out in laughter.

Lastly, I found the story to be very smooth though I felt it was a little dull. Not in the content or the subject but in the way you wrote it.

heyyy

okay, so firstly your grammar is perfection and thats really good. but your sentence construction was weird, its a narration and it just seems a little dis-jointed, i think. maybe you should read more books with present-tense narration so you can compare (the hunger games and i think a book called pivot point also has present tense narration)

otherwise i think your writing is good and there is nothing wrong with the story except i think it should be longer and more eventful because i found this hard to judge and in terms of humor i didn't find it too bad either ( or maybe i'm the descendant of nester!)

so i guess, happy writing and hope this review helped you and merry xmas, happy new year ect ect

Um.... Okay I'm not a pro so don't take this seriously. But to be honest, I didn't much like the sentence constructions. It felt a bit awkward at places. Also, some of the sentences were too long.

I get that the girl protagonist is a fan of Justin and all, but I don't really see what the title has to do with the story. The girl comes across as normal, not exactly 'crazy'.

I think you will get better as you right more This is a good effort, though.
Cheerio!

Hi there!
Well, the only tip of advice I would like to give is, to build experience! This can be achieved only if you keep writing!
Because this was not able to catch my interest, although I think you have a better sense of writing!
First of all, it couldn't hit the title you gave, instead it explained the craziness of a fan!
Also it wasn't able to get a good ending and just packed up before the story began.

I won't be more critical!

All in all, I think you have a better writing ability and the power of forming lengthy sentences, also I know you can play with words, so you must keep writing! You need to have a better experience. And experience come with practice! Cheers and follow my feedback! All the best.

Nice -- exquisite; though my foot had fallen asleep it tingled excitedly in response to your prose, the smooth flow of which made me feel the possibility One Direction in its entirety was poised behind the corner of my kitchen wall, ready to serenade me, my pale golden eyes which flash in the sunlight, and my unrivaled tresses of thick auburn hair, with a song of the utmost adoration, as if I were, instead of a mere human, Jesus incarnated in female cyber-tween form.

I cannot retain my tears. They leap onto my keyboard and slip between the cracks around the keys, searching for an electronic path to the database which houses your wonderful words; though even now they have probably attained sentience and don't really belong to you anymore. That's a downside.

Hey it's redbox and I am going to help get this out of the green room.
To be honest it was boring. I think it is okay it is not the most interesting story in the world because it was a history assignment gone wrong. It was just about a girl who went on her computer, ate leftovers, watched T.V, and thought about cute elebrity boys. Their is no conflict and franly no wit. Nothing is captivating. It's not bad but not interesting. Also going how I think it just about a lazy Saturday night in, the title doesn't fit enough. I understand why you called it "Boy Craze" but she doesn't sound "craze" enough..for me at least but it's just a nitpick. I apologize for not liking but you should keep writing.

Describes you perfectly.

I'm going to die, sis.