Watching carefully, hands on his camera, hidden inside the pocket of his coat, eyes fixed on his sister, as she moves down the aisle, purse slung over her shoulder, the boy reaches up, pulling his hat brim down farther to hide his face.
Purposely, adding a sway to his step, he limps forward, being careful to keep his distance from her. If Edra saw him, he might survive, but then again, he might not.
Coming to a halt, she lifts her hand, moving them back and forth, comparing prices and brands, not sure which to get. His lip twitches, ever so slightly, as he keeps on going, praying that she does not look hard enough to see beneath the layer of lemon juice mixed with ash that he rubbed on his face to help disguise himself. His coloring is rather patchy at the edges, another reason to keep his head down.
Straitening his shoulders, since when he videoed himself walking he noticed that he had a tendency to slump, he speeds up, staring straight ahead, hands now out of his pockets and swinging at his side.
She spares him a glance, pauses, and takes a second look, a hurried frown rushing over her face. Do I know him? She continues to stare after weird stranger, who limps like he just got kicked, as he saunters away, pants sagging to his knees.
Then she shrugs, and snatches four cans of tuna off the shelf. Dropping them in her cart with the other groceries, she grabs the handle of the shopping cart, giving it a push down the lane.
As she emerges, a head pokes out from between rows of bread, brown eyes darting around to see if it is safe to emerge. Spying his sis, the responsible younger brother, warily surfacing, and starts to head her way, dunking through the boy’s underwear section as she heads towards the checkout lane, being careful to keep her in his sight.
The boy’s clothes give way, suddenly, replaced by little girl’s summer dresses. He slinks in among them, thrusting his head out every once and while, to make sure his sister is still there.
Yep, still good. No boys or anything with her, as she pushes her cart around, oblivious as too the pains her kind, thoughtful, attentive, brother, afraid that she might meet somebody not right for her, is taking.
Suddenly, his eyes bug out, jaw dropping, hands scrambling for his camera, pulling it out, and zooming in on the spot where a teenage boy has stopped, and is having a conversation with her. Frantically working, he hits record on the camera, wishing he was close enough to hear what they are saying.
Brushing the hair out of her face, she laughs, gesturing as she replies, something she does quite often, but today it must be out of tenderness. Oh, poor Edra. She does not know the hardheartedness of men.
Shaking his head, compassionately, he continues to watch, wincing at every smile, every movement of the hands, every shifting of the body. Usually just normal behavior, but today it can only be classified as a horrid emotion called affection.
Finally, she smiles one last, dreadful, time, and starts to move away, waving goodbye as she goes. Moving in for one last close up of the boy’s face, as he watches her leave, brown eyes smiling, a cocky grin on his face, the brother shudders.
The signs are apparent, action must be taken.
Throwing one last glance after his sister, to make sure that she is not watching, he steps out of the clothing racks, turning off the camera, and pocketing it as he goes, striding confidently towards the Teenager.
Stopping behind him, he pulls out a notebook, slipping the pencil out of his pocket.
“Excuse me,” he says, coughing to get his attention, fingering his pencil, ready to write down everything he says. “What are your intentions regarding my sister?”
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125,023 Literary Works • 672,762 Reviews
Hi Chrissy!
I am here to give you a pretty short review! I know you pointed this out to me a while ago but my reviewing habits aren't what they used to be, but I am working on getting as much as I can through this list!
I thought this was a humorous story and I loved it! I found it ironic that he was chasing away men when he was just a little boy and would likely become one himself, and I like the fact that even though he is younger he is still trying to look out for his older sister. I have to say that is so sweet. As well as the amount of effort that he has put into disguising himself and planning it all out. This is one of those boys who only have their sister's best interest at heart. I haven't read any of the previous reviews but I think people have mentioned the overuse of commas in this short story so I am not going to dwell on it any longer because it seems like it has been pointed out. I am just going to mention my thoughts on other things.
Now, when we are talking about the sister I don't think you finish the ideas you start well enough. I don't really get a clear picture of what actions she is doing at all. I know that at one point she spots her brother and decides it isn't him, but that's all I am getting. You mention hand movements and all that but I am not quite sure what you mean she is doing. Maybe you need to try and imply the shopping factor into this a bit more. Describe how she runs her hand along the cereal boxes as she tries to remember which one he likes the most, and that would explain things a whole lot more clearly. I just found it difficult to grasp what actions she was doing.
I also didn't really like how the story was delivered in this case. We get one paragraph about what the boy is doing, then his sister, then the boy, then the sister and it keeps swapping like this for a while. When we as reader sget into the pattern with something like this it gets a little bit more boring than it was before. Try and keep it set into his point of the view the most. Make him be the dominant figure. So instead of saying she did this and she saw that. Make it be like: he could see her narrowing her eyes at him and squinting as she did when she was thinking or confused. Had she seen him? He wasn't sure, but he continued sleuthing towards the other aisle anyway. Do you see how I changed it so instead of us seeing things through the mind of his sister, instead we are seeing his viewpoint of things. I think in this story it might be best to stay in his viewpoint. Or if you are going to include hers in there, mix it up a bit more. Don't make it a 1 2 1 2 pattern, but add some variety.
Otherwise, I don't think I have much more to say that other people haven't covered already. I did love the concept behind this story and was an entertaining read. Keep having fun and creative ideas like this one
Deanie x
Thanks, Livy! I don't usually write in third person so this was a new experience for me. I'll try working on it, especially what you just pointed out!
Hey PickledChrissy!
I find this short story to be extremely funny and true. I cant wait to see if you make another story. I enjoy how you began and told the story in mostly actions and not a long descriptive intro that takes up half of the book.
My only mini critique is that there are some run on sentences. I wonder if you could replace some commas with a period.
An example is:
"Finally, she smiles one last, dreadful, time, and starts to move away, waving goodbye as she goes. Moving in for one last close up of the boy’s face, as he watches her leave, brown eyes smiling, a cocky grin on his face. The brother shudders."
That is just one example of how to make the sentence shorter it also makes "The brother shudders" more intense or embellished.
Once again this story is amazing and full of detail. Other then the long sentences I have no more suggestions other then keep on writing you rock at it!!!!!!!
Thank you for writing the story,
mkel
Thanks! I don't know if I will continue it. I wasn't planning on it. But maybe...
Hey PickledChrissy!
This is a really cute story! I can't wait to see where this leads to.
My first nitpick is run-on sentences. You have quite a few within the first few paragraphs, and it makes the story hard to follow. I had to reread several sentences to understand what was happening. Detail is GREAT, but too much can make it hard to read:)
Here's an example:
"Watching carefully, hands on his camera, hidden inside the pocket of his coat, eyes fixed on his sister, as she moves down the aisle, purse slung over her shoulder, the boy reaches up, pulling his hat brim down farther to hide his face."
I can tell what you're trying to get at in this sentence, but it would make better flow if you would split up some of the description. It almost seems like there's too much going on at once. For example:
"Watching carefully, hands on his camera hidden in his coat pocket, he kept his eyes fixed on his sister. She was movie down the aisle slowly, her purse was slung over her shoulder. The boy reached up and pulled his hat brim further down to hide his face."
That's just an example, and you don't have to use it if you don't want to:)
Other than sentence fluency and flow, I have no other suggestions! This is a great story, and I really enjoyed it. Keep up the great work!
-ljkrogman10
Thank you for the review!
So one mistake I cuaght is that when you said "She continues to stare after weird stranger, who limps like he just got kicked, as he saunters away, pants sagging to his knees."
Did you mean to say "The weird stranger?"
and what is up with the brother is he trying to be protective? or is he just trying to embarass her.
and yes, boys are hardhearted, but why does the brother seem so interested in his sisters relationships?
Beacuase ha doesnt want her heart to break?
and shes shopping so is she older? Maybe in college?
Anyway, I love it but I had a few questions about it first.
If you are planning on writing a sequel tell me first!!!
Thank you, Whosabell.
Thanks Whos. Actually, younger brothers can be like that. Not usually as sneaky as this one, but pretty bad.
Heya PickledChrissy, pretzelsing is here for the review that I promised for you.
First of all I have to say that I really liked this because it was funny and humorous,
not the usual horror that you tend to writeAnyways let's get to it.Here is a nitpick in a quote:
This is all one sentence?
Straitening his shoulders, he speeds up, staring straight ahead,hands now out of pockets and swinging at his side. When he videoed himself, he had noticed that he had a tendency to slump.
I personally think that this is like two separate ideas, so that is how I divide that.
Again, I see that in this piece you have a tendency to make your sentences very long. What if you divide it up and say. Spying his sis, the responsible young brother starts to head her way. Warily surfacing and dunking through the boy's underwear section, he keeps he carefully in sight, as she heads toward the checkout lane. I see that you were really kind of overusing your comma,you should totally work on that!
The last phrase: "is taking" pops out and in my opinion was put in the wrong place. I think that you should put this:after attentive brother...(is taking) afraid that she..
This is a typo so make the t in teenager lower cased.
I really liked the ending, it was very interesting, and grabbed my attention, also kind of blowing out the flame for this part. I truly this that you should at least write a Part 2 to this story because I myself am curios how the teenage boy reacts. What are his intentions?I hope that this review and as always I truly encourage you to keep on writing!
Hey Chrissy! This short story caught my eye and I thought I’d give you some pointers. I haven’t reviewed in three months so bear with me.
If you haven’t proofread this yet, flashing signs would be going off if you were to. Obviously the “watching carefully” is referring to the character, but the “hidden inside” is referring to the camera. Because you didn’t separate the phrases into neater sentences, one might read it as he being hidden in his pocket, which we all know is not the case, but could create confusion and also takes away from the work as a whole. Just clean up a bit with that opening, because openings/hooks are supposed to pull the reader in, not drive them away with a sloppy first sentence!The way you start off the short is a little sloppy, honestly. If you’re trying to set such a mood in the very wee beginning of the work, I suggest using shorter sentences, rather than bunching them all together and stringing them with commas. It’s a choppier and very extended sentence than needed. For one thing, this part of the sentence is what messes everything else in the sentence up:
Going off of the comma bit, I suggest you sweep over your entire story and take out any insignificant commas. This isn’t poetry, so commas have to be used correctly, and for the most part, they’re not being used correctly here. I note this especially in the beginning paragraphs.
One thing I notice is you don’t take the time to set a scene for us. I first assumed this boy was spying on his sister in the hallway of his house! For some reason aisle didn’t tell me this was in a store of some sort, and that’s because you casually mention she’s walking down an aisle. I understand this isn’t a chapter, but you still need to set some sort of setting for us, because when you let us know she’s comparing prices, we’re gonna start getting confused.
Eh, I’d only keep this sentence if you elaborate on the idea of why he wouldn’t “survive.” I get the idea older siblings try to “kill” their younger siblings when they create mischief (annoying little sister of mine sure urges me to do so >.>) but you never really give us any details that would engage us further in this idea. Do you see what I mean? You break away from him watching her to this idea, but then you go right back to him watching her again. Breaks need to be explained if you’re going to use them, I think.
The next paragraph that describes what he used on his face, etc., is really sloppy. Work on using shorter sentences (they’re not a bad thing!) than all these commas in the sentence. It distracts me as a reader, because it doesn’t feel as intense as you’re trying to make it. Correct me if I’m wrong, but you are trying to create an intense atmosphere with these comma breaks, right? These patchy phrases are trying to set a choppy scene, because that might be how it appears to the brother. However, it’s not doing a whole for the reader, me. Instead of feeling intensity, I’m getting distracted by the sloppiness of the sentence. So, work on shorter sentences. You can still produce intensity or some kind of mood without having to use commas for long, long sentences.
Look for misspelling, incorrect grammar, and incorrect use of commas in this sentence. Here’s how I might write it: He straightens his shoulders, recalling his tendency to slump in the video he took of himself. Then he speeds up, staring straight ahead. Letting his hands swing at his side, he continues on. You get the picture, right? It’s a little more tightly packed, but still explains what is going on without all these commas and beginning every sentence with a verb-ing.
The next short paragraphs are dealing with the same issue of incorrect commas and run-on sentences, so take a look at those.
This sentence was really really choppy and very hard to read. Please look at it again and make sure to separate the ideas into different sentences. Also, the phrase “responsible sis” could lead into some back story of how she is responsible! What makes her responsible that her mischievous little brother would label her as such? I do like how you say “sis,” because that gives the boy’s character a little more detail.
One thing I want you to work on is showing, and not telling. A lot of this is not too poorly described, but most of it is just his actions. That’s not a very strong foundation for a short story, in my opinion. Try using metaphors, or personification, or some sort of imagery. I’m not really sure, because I don’t want you to go down a poetic path xD But I do want you to beef up your descriptions and throw in some “he slinks down the aisle” or “his actions mirror that of a snake’s, in which he slithers quietly down the aisle” etc, etc. Just something that adds to the character or to the story as a whole. I dunno, maybe this advice is useless, because the story is pretty okay when it comes to descriptions
And thus we finally learn somewhat the reasoning behind this brother’s spying! I suggest polishing this up a bit, but overall you’ve really started to engage me here. I like how protective he his, which is revealed by his thoughts. I’m not sure the phrase “frantically working” functions properly in the sentence. More like “his fingers frantically moving, he hits…” etc. Working just isn’t working here (no pun intended—if you could consider that a pun! xD).
I love the ending, but I think it was too abrupt. If anything, use more description. Maybe go into more detail with the boy’s reaction, or what the brother looked like (did he have a creased brow, for instance?). It’s little things that add to the story.
All in all, the structure of the story was weak. The scene was cute, but not structured well enough. I felt it was all action with no slowing down to describe things. It felt a little too fast paced, but it also felt slow at the same time. This brother just feels like words with a camera
Hopefully it doesn’t sound like I’m attacking your story xD I really like the idea here, it’s cute, it’s one I can relate to, and it’s very sweet. But your incorrect punctuation, lack of a structure and incorrect grammar sadly take away from that sweet and cute idea and I wish it wouldn’t :/ So just work on those things.
If you need any help, I might be around to answer questions~
Writerrr
Thanks Writer! I realize that it does need a lot of work, like a enormous amount. This review REALLY helps. My younger brother actually asked somebody what I ended with.
I'm glad I could help!
Ha ha, he did? I can somehow imagine one of your younger siblings doing that
Hahaha This story made me laugh! This is basically what any younger sibling would do. I did it to my older sister when she got her first boyfriend. No, I didn't stalk her at a grocery store, but I did stalk her phone calls!
It was hard at the beginning because I didn't know where she was at. You said aisle and I thought of a bus. But then it says " she lifts her hand, moving them back and forth, comparing prices and brands," What is she moving back and forth? You said 'hand' as in singular, but then say 'them.' So I thought she was at a clothing store and moving the hangers back in forth. Then she throws tuna in the buggy! Establishing a place would help dramatically. And also, clearing up hand and them thing. I think you meant hands.
"She continues to stare after weird stranger, who limps like he just got kicked, as he saunters away, pants sagging to his knees." This sentence just seems too long and cluttered. I think it would work best if you put a period after 'kicked' get rid of 'as' and capitalize 'He." Just make two sentences out of it.
"Spying his sis, the responsible younger brother, warily surfacing, and starts to head her way, dunking through the boy’s underwear section as she heads towards the checkout lane, being careful to keep her in his sight."
Again, this sentence is two long and filled with stuff. Breaking it up would fix that or maybe reordering it.
Also, I think there are unnecessary paragraph breaks. That could just be me, but I think you could combine some of the smaller ones together.
The ending put a smile on my face. "What are your intentions regarding my sister?" I can just imagine the other guys face! Hahaha This is a great short story!
Thanks! Btw, this is the worst thing I have ever posted. Structure wise, I mean.