The Victorian Doll
Scarlet locks of hair lay over her porcelain face,
so fair,
Barely hiding her murky, cold eyes that stare.
A doll so innocent, standing on top my dresser,
Waiting for the lights to flicker off, I'm a guesser.
The dismal feeling surges through my shaking figure
Timidity and cold sweat build between my fingers
I run up from my soft bed and turn her the other way
Grandma's own toy handed down before her funeral day
Mother tells me to sleep now.
"I Love you, too" I say and lie down.
Tick, tock, tick, tock
Drop.
What was that? I quickly pull in my feet.
I take hold of the comforting bed sheets.
I hear dragging on the matting.
Oh, God, this isn't happening?
I look up in blur
It's her...
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Ooh, creepy...but in a good way.
I think the person above me pretty much covered the critiques, so overall, cool poem and really dramatic.
Hey Pacific!
Well, as the poem stands, it's good, for a first draft, that is. You've got some lovely description in here, but this poem did have an unfocused, gritty feel to it that I don't think it was supposed to have.
For one thing, your line breaks need to be reconsidered. They're too long, and it's a mouthful for us to have to say without taking a breath or stopping for a pause. Also, although it's mostly on a subconscious level, your line breaks help determine and shape the rhythm of poem. So, if we were talking about your first line:
'so fair' could really be its own line. It helps fix what I was talking about earlier, and-try reading it aloud-there seems to be a bit more emphasis where you need it, ja?
Two things. First, by 'starless' I think you meant 'stareless', right? Secondly, if that is so, the repetition can be eliminated. Maybe 'cold' or 'lifeless' eyes that stare would be better?
Doll would be perfectly alright here. The word 'image' makes me think of a photograph.
hehe, I like this. It really helps the creepy tone of the poem.
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Overall, your poem was nice, and I found the cliffhanger ending satisfying. You've taken the cliche "possessed doll" theme and turned into something your own, and I salute you for that.
PM me if you have any further questions!