Okay, so I had this cool dream last night and this was it. Except in my head it was way better! Anyway, I need real criticism on this. The story goes like this: I liked a guy who I barely knew and his three friends are always being around me and letting me join into their situations. The guy is too shy to come up to me an says how he feels. So, I am chasing after his best friend because I liked him too and "The Guy" was never giving me attention. Then, he came after me and I told him everything. Made up for the loss of time being together. That is basically it.
Please critique to your best!
I've always wanted him to know
I'm not just a girl out his window.
Here we are together on his front porch
We're with his friends- they love me more
Once I leave, I'm out of the clique
He doesn't miss me -I even check
I'm in a pretty dress and he notices me
But his friend appreciates my original beauty
Having a good time
The joy in his eyes
His friend is okay
Though it doesn't feel right
In my heart whenever I think of him
His friends say 'He's just holding something in.'
Once we talked I began to understand
He was just so shy and I gave him a hand
And said all I thought about him
There was a pause and his eyes glistened
Then a little kiss
Then sparked a fire I've never had
It clothed me in warmth and I felt glad
The choice I made with a guy that had always seen
My insecure side, but always stayed strong for me.[/size]
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Canary word: Present
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125,029 Literary Works • 672,781 Reviews
Hey there! Reddy here for a review!
First things first...This was put together fairly well. I think that the different colors went well with this poem, and made it stand out. However, there were some other things.
Your rhyme scheme. I'm not actually sure that you intended to have one, or whether it was accidental. Usually, when rhyming, you want to have a consistent placement of rhymes. You had a set in every stanza, I believe, but they jumped around in terms of where in the stanza they were. For example, the "know...window" rhyme was at the beginning of the stanzas, as were the "understand...hand" and "had...glad" sets, while the middle stanzas had rhyme sets at the end.
Another issue was the rhythm. For the most part, it was actually okay, but sometimes, it was out of whack.
Just a few examples:
"I'm in a pretty dress he notices me"
This is confusing to read (I had to read it in context twice before understanding), and might be better as:
"I'm in a pretty dress
He notices me"
I'll give one more example:
"Having a good time the joy in his eyes"
As with the other line, this would work better if it were split up:
"Having a good time
The joy in his eyes"
Those aren't all of the problem spots, but they give you the general idea.
Otherwise, I did quite like this poem, and I'd like to see more of your work!
~Reddy