A blue, serene sea
Red smoked clouds overhead at dusk
The scene of nature
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Time spent:
Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,022 Literary Works • 672,755 Reviews
This second version definitely gives a stronger image, in my mind at least. xD
I only count four syllables on the first line though. O: (Each word of the four words is only one syllable.)
I'm also not sure about the ellipses; they're unnecessary. I would just cut them.
The last line could be stronger as well. It doesn't say anything noteworthy because the previous description has already shown us that it's beautiful. There's no need to tell. D:
#FF0000 ">EEEk! I was editing this poem and I changed it so much. I don't know if it sounded better the other way. Please tell me!
#8040FF ">~Skyy.
Maybe my rhythm is off, but I've counted this over and over in my head and you maintained 5-7-5. So I'm unsure if I'm wrong, but I think you have no problem with ablaze.
My second point has to deal with the progression... Which I see no problem in. Often, what you'll see in traditional Haiku poems that describe things is a short and common adjective that gives you:
The noun is adjective
It works for the rhythm and it gives a sense of dramatic progression, building up for the second and third lines.
Very nice.
It's nice!
It doesn't have a fantastic display of range, but it works.
You could use stronger adjectives, as Jasmine said.
Also, as Jasmine said, the last line is off. You probably have to change your verb to fix it.
All in all, the imagery wasn't incredibly strong, just sorta lukewarm.
Good luck with future works!
Hi,
Your imagery is lovely and this flows nicely. You manage the form really well and I especially like "Red smoked clouds".
I'd change "ablaze" as it makes the line a syllable too long.
I'm not sure about "calm", it could be a little fresher, but that's just me nitpicking.
Hope this helps.
Jas
I really like your poem!! It really sets up a perfect scene of beauty in nature! I love it ! You have loads of talent! keep on writing!
***And please review my romantic fiction story, a new home a new love!!***