z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter twelve

by Oxara


A slender hand move to my back, and I only look up and stared at Adonael. I realized something then, he may not talk as much as the other's but he would always be there if you needed him. I turned back to staring out at the ocean, gleaming with a light, the light that had been taken from me taken from us. When he was taken from me where I was helpless to help, where he was out there because of me. I don't even remember much after beating on that damn shield but apparently I turned the sky and water green with my hatred, loss and grief. It was taking everything I had to not do the same tonight, and every night after. I felt a squeeze on my shoulder I was sure he knew what I was thinking.

"it's not your fault." He talked so softly I thought it might have been in my own head, but my glanced at him and I confirmed he had spoken.

"It is, but I will make it up to him when I find him." My voice softness was strange on my tongue.

"Good, focus on that before anything else. We are all, and we are all here to support each other. That even includes our little demon." His voice retained his softness despite his teasing words.

"Thank you" my words were barley a murmur but he just smiled, squeezed my shoulder once more before leaving me. I started looking out at that light, watching it gleam on the sea, far away yet it felt like I could reach out and grab it.

I returned to our living room and my family looked at my family, my, squad. Galizure had given me control of his squad when he was gone, not Leo or Adonael but me. I gave a slight nod, not bothering to make my face look pleasant or to hide my feeling's not with my squad, my family

A thought rumbled through my brain and it took me a moment to realize it was Sabrael that was talking to me. We're having a meeting in half an hour, be ready in fifteen

Yea yea we know, Tagas, the leader of the 4th elite squad, said

Shut up, we have someone knew among our rank. We must be kind sabreal said, his annoyance clear.

I simple shrugged, forgetting they can't see me before simply saying understood and withdrew from their minds. My mind refocus on my friends and saw that they were looking at me with worried face. I looked around to see I had fallen face first on the stone floor and even just shrugged which look more like a shiver while on the ground.

"I'll never get used to that form of communication, I don't know how he commands... commanded armies and fought all while talking in his head."

"You'll get used to it." Leo said, his eyes ablaze with emotions I could not with identify

"Thanks Leo." I murmured

"I have yet to give you a reason to thank me, but if you want a reason that take this." A leather dress that acted mainly as armor but could easily be deveastly beautiful on the right person, the dress was made of some of the highest quality demon hide I had ever seen, the craftsmanship of the dress it self would have cost a fortune to make. Leo went on "It's not a beer, but I hope you'll use it."

A single tear broke from my ear, he won that bet to make this to me. This itself put much better use to the hide than I had played, Leo probably knew it too. I glance at his back, A large sword sat with the same demon hide stitches on its' hilt. Leo got down on his knees and put the blade flat on both hands, the sword look almost comically large in his flat plans, but he only sat there as Adonael got on his knees as well. I picked up the blood said in a near whisper "you men, it's always more power with you isn't it," a small stream of tears, broke from me "thank you."

"So you do cry human tears, if you ever did cry I thought it would be green." Leo said a slight tear in his eye. I nearly said they have been but only hugged leo tight.

***

I let the wind and world take me away from my family, my house, let it take to me to that meeting, where I would first adore my demon hide armor. This meeting, this was my first step as being officially given role of leader of this team, and this was my first step to getting glaizure back, to give him back his party. Sabereal glanced at me and then scared me half to death when he spoke mind to mind again "I wouldn't be so sure Glaizure will accept his role as leader again. You look too prideful and stubborn to give it up up.

I glared at me and he only chuckled to which the rest of the room spun around to look at him. He simply removed any amusement form his face as he turned to us, his chair being at the head of the table. "As I am sure you are aware Glazure, our friend and family, was taken from us. As such I would like to thank Les for fulfilling his spot while we plan his rescue." He winked at me and I just simply put a hand on my right dagger, Leo's blade nowhere to be seen. Sabreal went into a detailed recount and plan of our rescue attempt, based off my report and other information, to which I only had to correct him once. My mind was sharp, to my surprise of it not being bored or losing track. I made notes on every piece of information was alert to all comments, to every movement and potential danger in the room form the windows to the blades that everyone carried. Aware of everyone looking at me, when they did, when they expected me to talk, I was aware of it all, and yet I did not know why I was so alert.

The plan was simple, find where Galziure might be, it must be a very powerful demon if it could stop me and not even Galizure could escape, so we're scouring know demon nobles lands with the top 20 groups and asking that any other groups capable of help scour the entire land, everything we could find. But no one can engage if they see anything, if they have the power to stop me, then we will need a full attack plan whatever it is. I needed to not try to lose myself in a rage if I saw him and what they would have done to him.

I left that day being one step closer to my mentor, to the light on the horizon. I left that day, as a leader, I left as not a demon, but as a miden first and foremost. 


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Sun Dec 30, 2018 5:55 am
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Shady wrote a review...



Hey Ox!

Shady here with a review for you this fine Review Day, courtesy of the Red Team! I'm pretty sure I've reviewed for you in the past so you're probably familiar with my reviewing style, but if not, I tend to make comments as I'm reading and notice things (both positive and negative!) and then give a general summary of what I thought of the piece at the end. Let's get started...

I returned to our living room and my family looked at my family, my, squad.


This isn't super clear. Is it referring to their family as their squad. Or is it referring to their squad as their family? Both make sense, but with the way this is written I'm not super clear on which one it is, and it does change how I'm going to visualize the next bit that involves all of them.

A single tear broke from my ear


Okay, so, I know I'm jumping in super late to this story, so it's entirely possible that you've already established a character quirk that I'm missing, since I haven't read the story (and I apologize if that's the case), but... did you mean to say that a tear came from his ear?

~ ~ ~

Okay! This was good! I like how you have a range from reflective emotions at the beginning, to having the action of needing a meeting later on. This was a good chapter and felt like it was a nice rest from whatever action you have going on in your novel, while still moving the plot forward. Well done there!

There were quite a few grammatical and spelling errors littered throughout, but if I remember correctly, there are not nearly as many as the last chapter I reviewed for you, so great job there! I'm proud of the progress you're making in your writing, and especially in that department :D

Keep writing!

~Shady 8)




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Tue Dec 18, 2018 3:15 pm
ashrenee0909 wrote a review...



Hello! Ash here for another review...

"A slender hand move to my back" I did notice that you used "move" instead of moved. As there isn't anything such as, "I felt a...." It makes more sense to put it as "moved". Rewriting the sentence to: "A slender hand moved to my back..." Just change the verb, or you can rewrite the sentence if you prefer to use the word "move".

"and I only look up and stared at Adonael." Here, I did see that you added an unnecessary word, along with you have the wrong verb. You can delete "only" and replace "Look" with "looked" Along with, you should change "and" to the word "as". Changing your sentence to "as I looked up and stared at Adonael."

"he may not talk as much as the other's" Here, you have an unnecessary apostrophe. You don't need the apostrophe in "others" and a comma after it would definitely help.

There are quite a few spots where you missed a comma or a period that I'll list here:
"but apparently I turned the sky" (after apparently)

"with my hatred, loss and grief." (after loss)

"the same tonight, and every night after" (delete the comma after tonight)

"His voice retained his softness despite his teasing words." (after softness)

" We're having a meeting in half an hour, be ready in fifteen " (you stated that people were speaking and you forgot to add quotations on two lines.)

"I'll never get used to that form of communication, I don't know how he commands" (here, you should either add "and" before I, or put a period.)

"Yea yea we know," (1. you forgot quotations 2. You don't really need the other yea unless you are going to separate with another comma.

"we have someone knew among our rank" (you need an s after rank. Making it ranks)

There are a lot of other spots where you forgot commas, misused a verb, or forgot quotations and periods. I'll let you point those out to better help you in the future. The best thing I'd recommend is downloading the Grammarly spelling checker to your computer. It can help you a lot.

Best of luck! And have a Happy Holiday!

Sincerely,
Ash





Don't cry because it's over, smile because it happened.
— Dr. Seuss