z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter ten

by Oxara


I glanced toward those around me, a metal eye narrowing in on my eyes, my wings, my essence. He walked around me, I only stared at his now empty chair. I heard footsteps, then felt a response in my defences , to see a sword hovering in the air, a grin on the black smith's face.

"Blocking my best poisoned blade, a trivial matter for you of course."

I only stared at his empty chair as he moved to back room, to talk to glaziure and the other god chosen. When they finshed, they said to me "We'll need your help in getting material but first let us figure out what we have to do to make this weapon shall we. Or what the heck weapon we are making to begin with." The blacksmith said

'I have now taken out two generals, each leaving very small bits of their power in me, the latter more than the other. I think I understand how they create a general's weapon, if I can use it I am not sure. All I know t if a non demon general tries to wield a weapon made by this method, they will also die."

For the rest of the evening they asked questioned, about demon's, my powers, my engery. As we went they made the blacksmith made little sketches of weapon designs. They sent glaizure out quite a lot to fatch a few books. By the time the sun was off the horozaion there were books scattered around the room, the only un ordely thing in the room. At least with a weary grin asked "And what weapon will the demon's chosen, make?"

I was taken aback by the question that I took a second to gather my thoughts before speaking. "A sword of blades, a single being yet serperate. A blade that shows me, that each attack flowing into each other, like the dance of battle."

His grin grew into a big smile "I thought you might have said something like that." His pen hit paper as fast as a blade struck a tagert and it was not even twenty minutes before a final sketch was made. There were two blades, a short sword made in a green pencial and another in a grey pencail. As well as two small sheild, made for simple blocks of blades one once again made in green and other in grey. On one side of the page the green dagger became a spear, that appeared to have gems, gems that seemed to be gems to hold and can use magic. On the other side the grey dagger became a large sheild, nearly as large as my arm, it then seemed to tranform into a curved shield as though it was meant to wrap around my entire body.

Then in middle, there was a large sword made of both green and grey. The sword itself was a masterpeice it combinded and was made large enough to be complently devasting but would not slow down. The sword would not break no matter how much stress would put on it, and would be just as deadly and quick as I could ever hope for. In addition half way up as well as in the hilt there was a gem, a unbreakable show of sheer power. It would be able to cast spells as power as that of a general's in essence to cast repeated organized spells.

The sword could also acording to this sketch, become a sheild that would extent and curve to about halfway around my body, compared to the full body of the dagger sheild. My mouth must have show my desire for this blade, maybe I might have been drowling a bit.

"I think you understand, I can make two dagger each with their own power combine together to make a weapon worthy of the demon maiden. It would clearly show both of your's power."Lyari, the blacksmith, said

Galizure just glanced at him before saying "We will get the meatial for the god's material, well not me but Folas and saberal. You however, have to get the material for the other."I nodded toward them and vanshied into shadow's as my body entered a demonic world.

A world I did not own, a homeworld of the demon's, Where the highest material I could find would be. I felt a sudden tug at my back, to see two short sword's one glowing green the other white.

a test of materials, still pretty well forged if I say myself Lyari said in my head.

A slight grin grew on my face as I let my demon lose, my power and senses reaching a new peak, even more than when I was here before. I walked to a demonic town, the land beanth me as hard as stone and tainted with green engery, lighting and flame erupting form it every now and again. The walk felt like going through a dester untill I reached a small town, of demonic labores. Some were imp like creatrues, other's were muscled demon's with wings. I teleported myself into a cart, filled with the material I was looking for.

I was ment with the gaze of a imp, who screamed. I quickly sprung out of the chart grabbed it and forced the entire cart into my void storage. I tried to transport myself, to see they had warded against teleportation. I simply just jumped off, and flew out of the town to be met with a large winged demon, only five more seemed to be coming up to meet him. I pulled my two blades and in one soild struck, he blocked one the other cleaved him int twaine, my other dagger was already on another demon as the last demon drew his last breath. My blade got stuck in the demon's body, so I spun around cleaving a demon who dared to get near me. The body loosened off my dagger and was flung toward another, bringing him down. The last one I closed the gap and before he could react I struck in his chest and head.

I flew away as bells and reniforments teleported in and try to catch me, but I had gotten out of the wards range and teleported me back to that blacksmith's house. They were already ready for me, I pulled the cart form my void storage and they started to make the blade. He had no molds for it, so he personally had to cast a spell to hold it in place. He did many things I did not understand but the result was two master peice of a blade, good enough for even me to be statifufied as they were. He then threw some magic gave them their powers, before quickly handing to me as though it's power had started to activation and was heading toward him. I took it form him in a swift motion and swung it around, smoother than the blades I had just fought with. I actived both powers, a large sheild and spear in my hands. I felt it then, the unision between them, and I tried to combine them and saw a weapon. It metal was a greenish white and white and green sparks flickered form it. A blinding green light appeared then and my hands burned with engery, I was flow back with a cry and when I looked at it, the weapon had lost all of it's white engery and was now a pure green, and my hands were burnt, something I did not know could happen to demon's. Galizure shot my hand and made me drop my new weapon.

"A god weapon, a weapon only a god can weild, and given that it's demon blade I would say only the demon god can use that, not even you. Don't ever attempt to do so, if you do you will die and cause much worse fates on us."

The blacksmith month was open, his eyes narrowing only on the weapon. He took a entire minute before speaking "I know what happened, sadly we will have to make a worse replacement for you. It will be a little bit more power than the one I gave you as a pro type." 

Using the extra material both groups got, he forged two dagger's that seemed to be just that dagger's;however the blade was just as deadly as before. I looked at the blades up and down, one demonic one holy, they fit nicely into my palm, but unlike before there was reaction in my hand. I swung and did some practice swing and once again the blades flew even easier than before, like a dance where I was being lead by the dagger's not me leading the dagger's. A small grin grew on my face, it may not have been as powerful as I planned, but for now these were my weapons.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
767 Reviews


Points: 26330
Reviews: 767

Donate
Sun Sep 30, 2018 8:55 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi! Back at it again for another Review Day review~

In my last review I mentioned grammar stuff, but this chapter was riddled with so many typos and grammar mistakes that it was actually difficult to understand what was trying to be conveyed. Good practice is to make sure you proof read it before you post it anywhere and just utilize some free grammar checking sites to make sure you're spot on. Because even when I'm writing, I'll make really small mistakes when I'm typing fast and I don't notice when I'm reading over it. It's really important, because the less grammar mistakes, the easier it is for people to give you strong conceptual advice to help better the idea as a whole.

This was also difficult to understand in general. There was a lot of information being thrown at us, the readers, at once and I had a difficult time trying to sift through it and decide what was really important. For instance, there was a lot of information (two paragraph I think?) about this perfect ideal sword, but it hasn't even been made yet. Is it really that essential that we know every detail about it now? Before it's even been built?

I was also confused what was occurring when Les (I think it's Les? I was confused about the jump between this chapter and the next) when she suddenly teleported? To another plane, I think? And stole a cart? That part didn't feel very well explained or with enough build up. So I just felt dropped into the scene that felt only tangentially related to the Blacksmith. Also, it felt really fast that within the part she got all the material needed in order to get this magic sword without that much opposition at all. Considering it was described as so powerful, it felt kind of odd that she got it without much effort.

Overall, I think the chapter could go with a lot more condensing and more clarity. Even though I have not read previous parts, I felt like I was lost within the timeline of this story, which is an issue.

Best of luck writing ~
- Wolfe




User avatar
129 Reviews


Points: 1820
Reviews: 129

Donate
Sun Sep 30, 2018 1:20 am
Wriskypump wrote a review...



Hey there! So mostly what I'm finding in this is a lot of incorrect grammar and punctuation things.

"I only stared at his empty chair as he moved to *(the)* back room, to talk to glaziure and the other god chosen." ++ I'm assuming Glaziure is a name and should be capitalized. god-chosen would need a hyphen like that.

....we are making to begin with." The blacksmith said = You should put comma following with and a period following blacksmith said.

"All I know t if a non demon general"' ++ You seem to have left out some words there; and non-demon needs a hyphen also.

"At least with a weary grin asked," = You mean/ At last with a weary grin he asked, right?

I was taken "(so)" aback by the question that I took a second to gather my thoughts before speaking.

His grin grew into a big smile[.]/period/ "I thought you might..."

His pen hit paper as fast as a blade struck a tagert == This is a good comparison you have depicted here :D target seems to have been misspelled tho

As well as two small sheild(s). _++ two or more of something will be plural/(and I before e except after C when spelling shield) ;)

gems to hold and can use magic + You don't need to say can, just use.

"The sword itself was a masterpeice it combinded and was made large enough to be complently devasting but would not slow down. The sword would not break no matter how much stress (one) put on it " ++= i before E on masterpiece. Combined has a typo, so does completely and devastating.

"a(n) *because the following word starts with a vowel we use an instead of a* unbreakable show of sheer power. It would be able to cast spells as power(ful) as that of a general's in essence to cast repeated organized spells."


"The sword could also ac(c)ording to this sketch, become a sh(ie)ld that would exten(d) and curve to about halfway around my body, compared to the full body of the dagger sh(ie)ld. My mouth must have show my desire for this blade, maybe I might have been dro(o)ling a bit."

I can make two dagger(s) each with their own power combine together to make a weapon worthy of the demon maiden = I would caps Demon Maiden since it is a moniker.

Galizure (this character's name was spelled differently earlier in the chapter) just glanced at him before saying "We will get the meatial (what is this word?) for the god's material(;) well not me but Folas and (S)aberal. You however, have to get the material for the other."I nodded toward them and vanshied(vanished) into shadows(no apostrophe needed because nothing in this sentence belongs to a shadow. We would use it if we were saying Shadow's aura, shadow's arm, or shadow's threat for example) "as my body entered a demonic world."

Let me show you what I would do to this sentence since it has abrupt interruptions:
" highest material I could find would be -- I felt a sudden tug at my back -- to see two short swords; one glowing green the other white."

the land beanth(beneath) me as hard as stone and tainted with green engery(energy)

The walk felt like going through a dester(desert) untill(typo, one L) I reached a small town, of demonic labores(laborers)

Some were imp(-)like creat(ur)es, other's(take out apostrophe) were muscled demon's(no apostrophe) with wings.

I pulled my two blades (don't include and) in one soild struck(clean stroke;) (it) blocked one -- the other cleaved him in twain(xXeXx no e), my other dagger was already on another demon as the (initial) demon drew his last breath. My blade got stuck in the demon's body, so I spun around cleaving (another) who dared to get near me. The body loosened off my dagger (I loosened the body off my dagger) and (I) flung (it) toward another,

"The last one I closed the gap(,) and before he could react

"but I had gotten out of the ward(')s range "

He did many things I did not understand but the result was two master peice of a blade, good enough for even me to be statifufied(satisfied) as they were. (Don't try to stuff masterpiece into this sentence, for it is awkwardly bulky to read. Maybe say "two top-notch pieces of blade)

I took it form(from) him in a swift motion and swung it around, smoother than the blades I had just fought with. I activ*(at)ed both powers, a large sh(ie)ld and spear in my hands. I felt it then, the unision(unison) between them, and I tried to combine them *and saw a weapon.* -- WAS THERE A NEW WEAPON FORMED ON THE FLY HERE? -- It(s) metal was a greenish white and white(-)green sparks flickered form it. A blinding green light appeared then and my hands burned with engery(energy), I was (blown) back with a cry and when I looked at it, the weapon had lost all of its white en(erg)y and was now a pure green, and my hands were burnt, something I did not know could happen to demon's. Galizure shot my hand and made me drop my new weapon.

The blacksmith('s) month(mouth) was open. He took a(n) entire minute before speaking. (And this was eventually what he delivered: "I know what...etc)"

gave you as a pro type(prototype)

he forged two dagger's(cancel apostrophe there) that seemed to be just that (--) dagger's;however the blade was just as deadly as before. I looked at the blades up and down(:) one demonic, one holy(.) they fit nicely into my palm, but unlike before there was reaction in my hand. I (sliced) and (jabbed) some practice swing(s) and once again the blades (whistled) even easier than before, like a dance where I was being lead by the dagger's *(don't say this bit -not me leading the dagger's-*.

A small grin grew on my face(.) it may not have been as powerful as I planned, but for now these were my weapons.
_________


So you have a lot of grammar mistakes and typos. I would suggest slow down and take your time as you are writing, or go back over it after having slept on it once to check for minor word issues and that everything makes readability easy. I like your style of writing for the fact of how straight-forward to the point it is. It probably needs slightly more description about where the characters are standing and stuff (setting) but I followed it okay.

You seem to like swords, loool! :D I hope my edits help you out!





What we do for ourselves dies with us. What we do for others and the world remains and is immortal.
— Albert Pines