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Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter nine

by Oxara


I sat on a wood log inside the destroyed castle wall, my blood slightly drooling from my mouth, My entire body shaking, while having the pain of having massive spasm. I stared up toward the horizon once again and turned to the wall, being slowly covering in walls. I picked myself up from the bloody log and slowly revised the time on another section of the wall, before once again tasting blood in my month.

"Stop it liz, Galizure order's." Leo said

"It's my fault the demon attacked." I started to say

"It doesn't matter, you got stronger and we are in a better position because of it, now let's go back. Our little mage cooked you something real good I hear."

I only started to draw the energy once more from my body, only to have the wall before me disappear. A second later I found that leo had teleported me to my bedroom. I looked at it for second started to protest, but just collapsed on the bed.

When I awoke a strong smell hit my nose, the smell of a cooked demonic wolf. I grinned slightly. I thanked Adonael, for the very rare food. Not bothering to think of how much it had to have cost. I savored the rough, almost spicy taste of the cooked meat. The spices and sauce only added to the heat within my mouth. A taste and feeling rare for me, but so inexpensive for those around me.

I wiped the spice and sauce form my mouth before getting up and glanced at the wall to see it completely done. My head snapped to the door, as galizur locked with a grin.

"What just because your the one who destroyed the demon, so your the only one who could repair it's damaged?"

I set his hair afame, to which he just waved it away. His grin grew as his eyes glazed my plate of food, now nothing but a bit of leftover sauce. He drew a bag and threw it toward me, by the weight I knew it was gold. I gave him a questioning glance, the only response was a grin and him heading toward the door.

When I opened the door, the sun blinded me, and as my eyes adjusted to the sun I noticed we were in the city, meaning glaizure had set it up so that he made a teleport so that when I walked threw it would take me here.

I saw glaizure ahead, turning to the right of the street we currently stood on. As I picked up the pace and turned around to the right, to hear cheering. My eyes caught a object headed toward my face, and I quickly dogged out of the way. As I turned around to see what it was, I learned it was a green flower, I turned back around to see, a rain for white and green flowers headed for me, as well as littered across the road, on the rare occasion there was a gold piece, that for some reason my bag of gold collected from the road. As we continued to walk, the flower's stopped coming, and the homes and fountains become more industrious, and the roads become wider, even though you could walk a small army in them before.

Blacksmiths, traders, plants, people of all business walked by, often give a bow before us, or rather galizure. By the time galizure stopped walking, and sat most of the building's were trimmed with gold, or made with the light metal, nearly as good looking as good, and stronger than most metal. He lead me to a dinner, however he lead us to table with two other men. Upon seeing us, they stopped their conversation got up a bowed. Deciding this was not meant for me I started headed for the door.

"Don't you think you should introduce yourself, less?" Galizur interrupted me as I turned around.

"Well you just did so for me me, So you and your little buddies have your chat." I responded

"It would be quite difficult to do that, when the topic of the conversation is off in her own world."

I spun back around and gave him a questioning look, to which he just gave me a nod. I looked at the two men, one was a tall man well muscled, perhaps a blacksmith. While the other seemed to be in his fifties. Despite seeming aged, he still wore two one handed sword by his side. I bowed my head and said

"hello there, my name is Lesiksa, however you may call me les. May I inquire your names?"

Glaizure was the one who responded "This is Lyari the blacksmith, and Folas, the chosen one."

"And why am I here?" I said, slightly annoyed with him

"To embrace your new public face." He said

"And what does that mean." I said barely keeping my cool.

"Didn't you notice the flowers, how their both green and white?" He said as charming as ever.

"What he means to say, is that now that you saved us form a demon, and now know to be a god chosen, the public views you as a hero" Folas, the fifty looking man said.

"Society doesn't work like that, don't be so hopefully." I responded

"Who do you think they were throwing those flower's at?" Lyari spoke, for the first time, his voice deep befitting his stature.

"Galizure of course" I responded in a matter of fact tone.

"With white and green flowers?" lyari said, his deep voice sending a shiver against my spine

"But, wait green and white, as in demon's and holy so wait that was for me?" I shuttered

"That's right, and this here is the best damn blacksmith, made for legends. And this here is another god's chosen, with them and your experience as a demon. We'll make you a blade and amor, benefits both your demon and your holy side. We will leave for his black shop to discuss how to make such a blade, and talk more of your powers."

"But I no longer am a god chosen's just a demon." I protested

"You are mistaken, I sense your holy power's form here, you just have to learn to use them. I mean you couldn't even use them when you were facing off against the demon could you." Galizure struck once again

"That is only half true..."

"It is still the truth, So let's go shall we, demon chosen?" Glazier interrupted me

I only sighed, watched them ate and talk about this and that, sometimes we talked about what materials would might good for the blade or something more serious. I joined in sometimes, both in the serious and rarely in the casual conversation. After their food we continued down the street until we in the most rich of trademen's, where every wall seemed to be well defencied and look like a piece of art. I was leaded to the very last workshop on this block, though it was more like a temple or plane than a workshop.

On the lower levels were black smith's, clearly high quality form the weapon I could see, on middle level were storehouses, and the very top were various room for him, One had a forge I had not seen a kind like it. Another had boxes full of strange looking weapons, clearly more experimental than anything. And on the second to last, was the largest forge I could imagine with two forces that looked like more experimental forged. Unlike the other floors anything that was not needed, was not here. The workshop was clear and organized and prime weapons littered the wall. And on the top floor was a bedroom as well as living room, where we now sat at a table drinking tea.


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Sun Sep 30, 2018 5:54 pm
SpiritedWolfe wrote a review...



Hi again, Oxana~ Happy Review Day!

So keeping in mind that I haven't read every part before this, I'll still try my best to give some advice.

I'm not going to comb through all of this for grammatical mistakes since you can easily get an online grammar checker to help you out (I've heard Grammarly is good, and it's free!) but I'd like to touch in some things. First of all, proper nouns need to be capitalized all the time. So make sure every time you write Les or Glazier their names are capitalized. It just makes it easier for the reader to understand it's that person you're taking about. Another grammar thing I notice is run-on sentences and comma splices. These are essentially when you mash two sentences that should be independent together or place a comma between them without a proper conduction. This messes with the flow because the reader will try to read it as it's written and then stumble. So be very careful about properly punctuating sentences if it's a completely different thought.

The beginning part of this chapter was pretty fast in my opinion. Even though I didn't witness the fight with this demon, it still feels like everything was wrapped up really quickly and then she was suddenly teleported away without surveying much of what just occured. It felt like a missed opportunity to get some good characterization, showing us how Les feels about what occurred and how others around her viewed her. Instead she was whisked away to two different places in a really summarized fashion.

My suggestion is to really slow things down and give the reader a chance to recoup with Les. Also, focus more on her thoughts and feelings instead of simply her actions. Quite frankly, the reader doesn't care what she was eating or what it tasted like. Sure, that's some good actions to have along side the narration so we're still grounded in the real world, but it's not nearly as important as her mindset, if that makes sense.

Also, it felt really fast that she's suddenly considered a hero for a defeating a demon she just beat in the last chapter. I also don't know anything about this demons bed why it would be considered bad enough to suddenly make her a hero. Was this type of context provided in the chapter previous? If so, then maybe expand on that more here! If not, then the aftermath is a perfect time to provide the reader this kind of background to understand why she would suddenly be a hero.

If you have any other questions, my inbox is always open! Wishing you the best ~
- Wolfe




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Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:47 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey, Oxara! I thought I'd drop back in for another review on this lovely review day. :)

I like that this is a slower part, a good contrast from the intense battle scene last chapter. Having that balance, that time for the characters to react to what happened, is really important. I really liked how you showed Less' surprised reaction to being seen as a hero, and I think it'd be interesting if you explored that more in other places throughout the book - will it be harder for her to go around unnoticed? Will people start expecting more things from here?

I stared up toward the horizon once again and turned to the wall, being slowly covering in walls.

This sentence, and the rest of what you mention about the wall and Galizur repairing it, just confused me. What does a wall being covered in walls look like? Do you mean there was a hole and the hole is being repaired? After Leo tells her to stop, she's teleported to her bedroom and sleeps, and when she wakes up she eats some food, but then you say she looks at the wall and sees it's done. But she's in a completely different place inside her bedroom - how can she see that wall from there?

"What just because your the one who destroyed the demon, so your the only one who could repair it's damaged?

This sentence felt a little awkward - I think you meant "damage" instead of damaged, and also remember what I told you about apostrophes last time? "Its" and "it's" are (sadly) exceptions to that rule. "It's" is always the contraction of "it is" - the contraction takes precedence. Because of that, "its" is actually the possessive form, as in "its foot", even though it's weird because other possessives use the apostrophe, but this one doesn't.

I think that's about all I've got for you! Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck, and keep writing!




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Points: 90000
Reviews: 1085

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Sun Sep 30, 2018 2:22 pm
Mea wrote a review...



Hey, Oxara! I thought I'd drop back in for another review on this lovely review day. :)

I like that this is a slower part, a good contrast from the intense battle scene last chapter. Having that balance, that time for the characters to react to what happened, is really important. I really liked how you showed Less' surprised reaction to being seen as a hero, and I think it'd be interesting if you explored that more in other places throughout the book - will it be harder for her to go around unnoticed? Will people start expecting more things from here?

I stared up toward the horizon once again and turned to the wall, being slowly covering in walls.

This sentence, and the rest of what you mention about the wall and Galizur repairing it, just confused me. What does a wall being covered in walls look like? Do you mean there was a hole and the hole is being repaired? After Leo tells her to stop, she's teleported to her bedroom and sleeps, and when she wakes up she eats some food, but then you say she looks at the wall and sees it's done. But she's in a completely different place inside her bedroom - how can she see that wall from there?

"What just because your the one who destroyed the demon, so your the only one who could repair it's damaged?

This sentence felt a little awkward - I think you meant "damage" instead of damaged, and also remember what I told you about apostrophes last time? "Its" and "it's" are (sadly) exceptions to that rule. "It's" is always the contraction of "it is" - the contraction takes precedence. Because of that, "its" is actually the possessive form, as in "its foot", even though it's weird because other possessives use the apostrophe, but this one doesn't.

I think that's about all I've got for you! Let me know if you have any questions. Good luck, and keep writing!





I am not a person I am a natural disaster
— TheWordsOfWolf