12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter 4.5

Note. So this is a little bit out of order of upload, so sorry about that

I entered the room, where I would be fighting this novice. A small grin grew on my face as I saw the battlefield, a holy cave. One of the best places for me to fight, due to my power's and fighting style. I quickly scanned the room for any traps or secret's, there were none. My eye's shot up to the viewing area, a place meant to be hidden from me. But as I high level fighter, I know where it is and my experience and my power's help me see it. Glazier waved a hand, and the teacher left down a stairway, while Sabrael passed her on his way up. I shouted up to them “I get to show my skills to both of the great angels huh, not a chance I’ll take lightly. You know I’m impressed you got your team so large Sabrael when rookies that can withstand me are rare. Though you do have a priest meant for healing instead of battle."

Without warning I started to run toward my novice opponent. While I ran I drew the holy energy into two twin blades, just not fitting nicely into my hands. My opponent noticed and started to put up a small holy shield around his body and mind. But as soon as my dagger's were infused with holy energy I used a martial arts spell, or a spell that warrior's or non magic user's cast, that spun me toward my opponent at speed's too fast to notice. This spells often just affect the body or a weapon, but like some of mine it can also be like magic spells, like my create weapon.

My blades smacked down on holy energy and metal, bring my opponent to his knees. My foots was caught in energy, not allowing to move, then a surge of energy heats the air around me. And before the peak of energy I cast a minor teleport spell, a high level martial arts spell, or low level magic spell. I appeared away from him to see many small holes against the wall.

"Three seconds give or take, that was how long that interaction took and I think I know exactly how you fight and how to counter you. While you just were testing for weakness, of amor, skills, anything with that move. So can you withstand my new attacks.

I drew in all of the holy energy in the cave, leaving it nearly pitch black. With the remaining holy energy in my body I casted Naaririel, the same high level holy spell that he casted during his tournament not a few hours ago. A large beam of holy energy appeared, fighting against my opponent's shield. Then a large explosion of white light and holy power appeared, and lasted for a few seconds before disappearing.

When the light disappeared, his left arm bloodied, my opponent stood standing.

"Leo the copycat some call me," I paused "other's call me Leo, jack of trades. I prefer Leo, the prince rouge. If you withstood that blast, you are worth hearing my name."

"I am sure you know my name, so now that introducations are done, shall we fight. The time is ticking." My opponent

"twenty-two seconds have gone by since I first attacked, and I have yet to show you why I will win this fight." I nearly laughed

I used a high level martial art the darkness within, a spell that camouflaged myself and set many defensive spells as well as set the base for offensive abilities. It was a perfect defensive ability with plenty of flexible offensive power mixed in. A original spell I created, though there are many like it. To a great shock to me, my opponent casted holy purification, which removed my offensive spells and traps I had just cast.

But I didn't need offensive spells, I cast my sprint martial arts ability, appearing behind him as quick as a teleport ability. I then swung my blades toward my opponents back, to only be meant with a holy energy shield. It blocked my swing with the other dagger, and by the way it felt, it would break if I hit it once more. However I never got the chance as a massive mace was swung toward my head. I casted a martial arts ability minor teleport plus evade. Martial arts and spells can be combined and this would have me teleport away from harm's way and help me dodge ant traps I landed on. When my vanish spell as I called it ended I used a combination of three martial arts, create weapons, throw weapon, and speed up projectile's, or as I called it, suppression. After I set the spell into effect, I cast a martial arts which changed one of my dagger to a two handed blade until I cancel the effect, then I added a spirit spell. My dagger's I created hit first and I felt his shield go down, then I was upon him and my newly made two handed sword was going for his back. My opponent moved nearly as fast I, allowing him to move his back out of the way. My sword cut through leather and hit a solid metal layer breaking it, his soldier pad. I created ten more dagger's and sent it at him, then turned my two handed sword back into a dagger and swung one toward the back and the other I flung at his sword and used a martial art to speed the dagger up. The dagger hit his sword lodging it in the hilt and taking it to the other side of the wall. My other dagger's hit hard metal, then a white glow appeared, the sign of a rushed holy spell. He had made a thick metal wall all the way around him.

If my timing was correct, I had five seconds to take him down. I used a combination martial arts spell of nine with the martial art skill shadow realm as it's base. Shadow realm was a unique spell to me, many tried to make copy's or cast it themselfs, no one had gotten close. It transported people into a relm, and because it is not a copy of the real world he would no longer have a metal box surrounding him. The realm itself would give anyone trouble, moving around in yet alone fighting as moving through the floor is like a pundle if you don't have control of the shadow's. Moreover because he is holy, he could not get any more energy for spells and I could use this relm to block any attacks he throws at me. In addition I cast a lot of attack moves, that even I would have to take serious. And even if he lived I would have full control over this realm, I could make walls, monster's anything I wanted.

The spell took affect and then within two seconds my opponent, was impaled by shadows. Upon seeing my opponent's defeat I cancel shadow realm, bringing us back to the real world. At which point with three seconds left, the battle was over, I had won and he lay there nearly dead.

"What is your name." I asked

My opponent stood up and looked me in the eyes "Ishim."

I grunted "Such a novice answer"

"Wait. My name is Ishim, the novice." He said, a grin on his face. But his eye's told me he was disappointed.

"Don't feel bad, you made me use one of my most powerful abilities. Only my team and Sabrael could have won in your position . I am sure you'll soon make it to a elite team."

"Let me ask you one thing," I nodded my head in agreement "Why did you use a sprint spell instead of teleportation when attacking me."

"They teach you nothing do they, with a spirit spell you keep the force of your speed, with a teleportation spell you don't have any speed so you limit your force. Now let me ask you something, how did you block my attack."

"I used a martial arts spell, time control, currently only used by the god, demigod and the high lord angle. But because I am so weak I can only use it to make my reactions as fast a elite warrior, for half a second, But it drains me for nearly all my energy."

I nodded, impressed. The teacher came in, and I let them take him away, the best group he'll get into now is a low tier elite, if he is lucky. I was sure though, as rumor of his abilities spread and he learn's one of the top four squad's will test him, and find that he passes their test.

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mellifera
Review

Hey ox! Happy RevMo! Hope you don't mind me swinging by for a review today ;)

I haven't read anything prior to this, and I apologise if that colours my review in any way. I'm going to try to comment only on things that I know of related to this chapter.

A small grin grew on my face as I saw the battlefield, a holy cave.


You say this, but don't offer anything more? What does it look like? You may have an idea of how you want this to look, but unless you describe it to your readers, we aren't going to be able to visualise it! I'm a major sucker for description (probably too much at times). But like- what does the character see? What kinds of colours are there? How big is the room? What about the other senses? What does it smell like? If it's a cave, I imagine it's cold, but what if there's lots of torches or heat source, then is it hot? Is it hard to breathe? Easy? I mean, just imagine yourself in this place. Try describing what you might sense if you were here. It'll do wonders to help your readers get an idea of the setting.

One of the best places for me to fight, due to my power's and fighting style.


So quick little grammar stuff! There's a difference between pluralising something with an s and using a 's. 's is possessive, it's using to describe something belonging to someone. For example, "Andrew's dresser", since the dresser is Andrew's. Or like, "that's" for if "that" can be followed by "is". When you're just pluralising stuff, like you have here and in several other cases I noticed, you just add the "s" without an apostrophe (powers, eyes, secrets, etc). I...hope that makes sense? I'm sure there are better sources to explain this in better detail. But that's enough grammar right now lol.

Without warning I started to run toward my novice opponent.


I wish there had been some sort of signal? to this fight? I'm...not really sure what's going on as of right now. It seems like the protagonist saw the battlefield, but hadn't yet entered it? There was no description of them entering right now. There's also no explanation of the novice? I didn't even know there was anyone else in there with the protagonist?

My foots was caught in energy


I'm not sure if this is meant to be "My foot was caught in energy" or "My feet were caught in energy"?

So can you withstand my new attacks.


There's not closing quotation mark here to end the dialogue, and then? I'm not sure I understand what it is he's saying? Also uhh, if he's asking this as a question, there should be a question mark at the end to make it one.

I prefer Leo, the prince rouge.


the prince rogue*?

"I am sure you know my name, so no that introducations are done, shall we fight. The time is ticking." My opponent


(introductions*) Is this meant to be his opponent speaking? I would? make this a dialogue tag (she said, he asked, they shouted, etc) and change that last period to a comma (and add a period to the end of the last sentence to close it also).

"twenty-two seconds have gone by since I first attacked,


Whenever you start a sentence, it should always begin with a capitalised letter ("Twenty-two seconds").

or as I called it, suppression.


How would that be suppression?


Since this is an action scene? I don't think it would hurt to cut down on the length of sentences? Because like, everything is happening really fast, and the longer the sentence is, the more it draws out the scene. I MEAN I'm dreadful at action scenes though lol. take that as you will.


Also one of the things that kinda bugs me is that? You have really long paragraphs? Especially in an action scene, splitting your lines up so you don't have giant chunks of text is just easier to read. It allows more breathing room between what's going on and stuff, so you're not stuck on one giant clump for a while. I have read books with longer paragraphs, however, and I'm really not like, 100% on technical issues like this, so I really couldn't say what's "proper" or not, but that's just, a personal preference really.


many tried to make copy's or cast it themselfs


Following up on my earlier point! There are words, like copies, that are spelled, when pluralised, with "ies"? Usually when you have a "y" at the end of a sentence. (and then themselfs should be themselves, because again, pluralised something that ends in f usually translates to "ves", like "wolves" instead of "wolfs" or "hooves" instead of "hoofs")


Wait so, he's nearly dead, but then he stands up just after this? That...doesn't make any sense?


Okay so I know I was kinda complaining about grammar a lot (SORRY I just, I want to be able to help for future reference?). But it's an interesting plot here?? Like, I'm really into magic and fantasy and the likes. This has a heavy rpg-feel to it, and I think it could be enhanced by shifting some things around.


The other little thing I noticed is you...over-explain things? Like, in the action scene, you were explaining how the spells work/what they do/etc (and AGAIN wow I do this a lot too rip), but it's straying into info-dumping and it does nothing to help the action. So just? Watch out for that? And in general? info-dumping should be avoided?


I did like the ending though? He's being a gracious winner and he's obviously trying to encourage the younger fighter here and that's nice? It ended on a sweeter note and that was refreshing to read. And to see that Leo was confident in his ability to succeed, even after he had left <3


I think that's all I have for you though today! Sorry if I got got very "grammar police" on you haha. I like the idea you have going on and I hope to see you expanding on it! If you have any questions, feel free to let me know!

I hope you're having a wonderful time!

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User avatar
Tenyo
Review
Tenyo wrote a review · Thu Sep 20, 2018 12:35 pm

Hey Oxara!

I like the sense of urgency in the fight scene, it comes across really well in the way the actions play out. I can see a move-by-move narrative and it makes me feel really close to the action.

Please take no offence to this- this work is so beautifully nerdy. The 'casting' of martial arts abilities, the high and low level spells, it all feels very much like a role-play or computer game. It's a particular style, but one personally that I really enjoy because it explains things in very easy terms and it means that I can take aspects of it away and combine it with other things in my imagination, which is something that all the best magical systems have.

I also really like the casual fragments of conversation in between the action.

As a slight tweak, you tend to use a lot of commas where they're not really needed. They're great for using as a pacing device, but I think in this piece they come accross excessively.

Also it would be great to have a few sensory aspects to it, too. Maybe describe what magical camoflage actually feels like. I like the ten daggers flying at him, I wonder if they would have a sound or a gust of air of any sort when they moved. You're pretty good at keeping everything tight and fast paced so I don't think you would struggle at all to keep that up even with the extra details.

I had fun reading this. Thanks for posting! =D

Well I am really pleasantly surprised, normally when I open a review I am barraged by way's of advice, and not just someone who just clicks with a piece of work so that is great. (Not that the barrage of advice is bad, it is pretty awesome if you ask me. but then again so is this). I am really glad you enjoyed it, and I am 100% a nerd so I will take that as a compliment. But may I ask, if you have read any of my other demon maiden stuff, because some of my stuff is inconstant in first drafts, even in my last draft the quality can vary. Like I know my opening for demon maiden was very rough, and I really have to go back there at some point and fix it, well for most of chapter's but mostly the start. I think if I edit some of the other chapter's to be less clunky you may also enjoy quite a few of the other chapter's, but that's up for you to decide :). And to tackle you thing about sensory aspects, that has already been a weakness, especially for major cities or places, especially if I made that place and as I am a fantasy writing that is nearly all of my places. But I will definitely explore using more of it in fight scene's and working on it, so thank you so much!

Anyway, thank you so much,
Oxara

To be honest... Fight scenes aren't really something I click with, a lot of them irritate me =p I think you just wrote this well so it was easy to enjoy, you're really good with the action-based narrative. I've only read from chapter three onwards =[ I quite like this though, so I'm hoping to read it from the start at some point. I probably won't have the energy to review all of them but if there's something you particularly want feedback on I could keep it in mind when I do and let you know, if you like?



If you don't know where you're going, any road'll take you there.
— George Harrison