12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter seven

Note. this is told form the point of view of Adonael. 

The footsteps of my teammates fell away, I am sure leo would give me a earful for leaving. And Les would be curious, but she would let me be. However Galizure would know why I am heading down here, and would make no mention of it.

Soon the hall way ended, with a small door stareing at me. I felt the familure golden handle. As I opened the golden door, that familiar smell of my cave hit me. It was the home I learned my powers, a home just like the one I lived in now. It was also here, that my master fought to the death for me. A cave I have not been back to, snice then.

Galizure told me to take time, but to come back here when I was ready. He could have been a mage saint, someone who made a large impact of the advancment of magic and mages. It is given to only those who found magic and those who's advancment changed magic as a whole. Below these mages are heros, peaople who used magic to save and advance the war, and great magic inventors but not enough to be a saint.

He invented soul, a new element of magic. Just like fire, earth, wind, water, light and darkness. A new element of magic has not been invented snice the great fonders. The discovery it self would make him a saint, but the spells he made with it would be on pair with some of our greatest inventors. However the damn fool asked me not to tell away, not untill I opened his letter.

I pulled a letter form my magician storage, a storage where you can keep anything in magical space-time, a area created and sustained by magic. The only limt to what you can keep their, is the amout of magical strength you have.

I stared at the seal, a sphere with inter connected lines and patters through it. The old paper was old, slightly bented, and was very brittle. I stared at it a little more before letting it slip into my storage once more.

I moved forward, up a spiral leading to the room of my youth. In the center of the room was a mass of engery, and a grave. I stared at the other rooms braching off form this room, the rooms of the elements. And in a unfinished room, a room meant for soul. He alway said air and water were his favorite, so he made a room that combinded both, a forest with a river for meditation.

Around the grave, I created flowers made of each element, including soul. I said I was sorry and then just mediated there. My mind started to be pulled toward my storage, the letter. I pulled it once more out of storage, and I reached to open it. I stopped as I sensed a spirt, a demon who dispite the wards was teleporting into this room.

"Hmm what do we have here, a student about to fall into the same fate as his mentor. Well let's see how well you fight little boy."

I had already cast razor ice at him, ice being a sub-element of water. Razor ice was sharp icicles that can peice a demon's skin. Before I even saw his response I wraped plants around his legs and then tried to send a beam of light toward his chest. He simply stood then, then became a blaze of green flames. It burnt the ice and plants and even stoped the light beam in it's track.

"You know most peaople consider me bad verus mages, consdiering I have no dispells. However I have devolped a perfect counter to any spell. I have and always will overcome my weekness and turn them into strength's." The demon croaked.

Is he tricking me, trying to bait me into using a large spell. My specialtiy is casting many spells at once, even up to three top teir spells at once. Does he know of this? Even my master could not do that, but he could cast more powerful spell quicker, But what he is saying would not even matter. , nearly all dispells would not help against me, as only the highest end of magic users can dispel these spells.

The demon notcied my hestastion and charged with duel blades, each curved like a hook. I only manged to cast jet blast, a spell which pushes fire out of me in a direction, allowing me to dodge and create a wall of flame for them to fly into.

He flames only engulfed mine, making them look as though I was a demon. I set aside thoughts as I casted five quick spells, a bolt of earth, fire, air, and two water. They barley bounced off him as he turned around getting ready to charge once again.

Wait a demon, that is the answer, what would les do? Probally try to abosb the flames, or make green flames of her own. Not a bad idea, but I had no spell to do that. Decidieing I would have to use everything I had to defeat the demon, I started to cast three high end spells. Even glaziure and les could not fully block these spells. I started with a spell that would focus on creating a explosion that could suck in engery increasing it's power, causing more and more damage untill they got out of it, or reacted to it. Next I created a defensive spell which put a barrier around me, and any thing other than me that touched it would be shocked and lit aflame. And lastly, starting the cast behide the demon was a spell that when summoned would create a glaical spike to implale the demon. All of these spells required mastery of every element and a large magical engery capacity. The fact I could cast all of these at a time showed I was as powerful as any magic hero.

He simply chuckled to him self "your a fool, unlike your master." His flames went away then and he started to glow with a new power, the power of magical engery, like myself. He then forced himself control of my magic. I stood facing three of my highest level spells, still being powerd by me. I tried desperately to de-power the spells even use the rest of my engery up by releasing it into the air. I had too much engery and the spells would soon go off.

And before I knew it I was sent flying, and I skittered across the ground as a stone might on water. I barley could move, and I looked up at the demon who would kill me, the demon who killed my master. His flames reappeared and his blades grew with darkness and demonic flames. Then the massive engery in the middle of the grew was absorbed in the flowers I had laid. Then the flower's writhered and died, and form it was born a human firgure made of pure engery. He then started to cast a spell know as, soul unity, the most powerful spell my master made, the most powerful spell a mage can caste. The demon notcied and screamed "You were no fool, you damn mad man. I will not end here, I will control it just like the others." I could sense him try to probe and enter the spell but be blocked by a wall of magical engery.

The only thing I saw of the spell gonig off was that of the bright light, brighter then any sun or spell I had seen before. When I opened my eyes my master pulled the letter out of my storage, something I have no idea how he did, and un did the seal. And then his body crumbed into dust. I sat there for a minute my eyes blurred form tears. I stood there for a second before removing the tears and looking at the letter.

"Firstly I am sorry I left you, but I had to. And let me ask a selfish request of me, tell everyone you invented soul. I found soul because of you, and I want you to have it, and everything that includes. You must complete the soul series, you must make new spells using soul, maybe even find a new element using it. Which I think there is, but nether or less, you will become a mage saint, and you deserve it, more than I do. So please to honnor me show the world the power of soul, in your name. Knowing you though, you will tell those you trust of this secerct, so go ahead, but the world must never know of my deeds. Anyway If my theory is correct, I think you'll be seeing more letter's in the furture. Oh I never told you did I, I belive soul can open commincation between the ra'oxithis and the living mages."

Ra'oxithis, the afterlife for mages where the mage saints rule and the most infleuntial mages, heros and iventores, help rule the land. A land where magic is understood and used everywhere. Where magic we can't even begain to understand, are understood there.

I stood up slid the paper back in, leaving the seal open and slipped it into my storage. And I headed out of the cave, to that golden door, to leo's fight and to where my furture awaited.

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User avatar
SpiritedWolfe
Review

Hey, Oxara! Happy Review Day ~

I'm here to save your chapter from the Green Room, despite having not read previous parts, so I'll try my best ^^ Let's get into it!

The footsteps of my teammates fell away, I am sure leo would give me a earful for leaving. And Les would be curious, but she would let me be. However Galizure would know why I am heading down here, and would make no mention of it.


So, two things about this paragraph. Even though this is technically in the middle of a novel and a reader would already be reading, typically people put down books in between chapters and it's just as important to have an engaging first paragraph to help them get back into it. That being said, this doesn't feel like a really strong start. I appreciate the effort of this character trying to think about how others would perceive their actions, but the ways it's phased and confusing. Why is it important that they think this way? How does it affect the character? It feels a like more like telling than showing.

Galizure told me to take time, but to come back here when I was ready.


The paragraph was also pretty confusing to me because I'm not sure the purpose of this character visiting again and then the focus of the paragraph shifts to what feels like a dump of information about Galizure and the mages of the world. I don't understand how that information was pertinent to understanding the scene unfolding.

Overall, I think a major issue with this is that there is a lot of explanation of what is occurring as it's occurring. This is kind of infodumping in a sense, but it feels more like you as the author taking a moment to pause the event of the story to directly tell the reader what is happening. Here's some examples:

I had already cast razor ice at him, ice being a sub-element of water.


I only manged to cast jet blast, a spell which pushes fire out of me in a direction, allowing me to dodge and create a wall of flame for them to fly into.


[/quote]Ra'oxithis, the afterlife for mages where the mage saints rule and the most infleuntial mages, heros and iventores, help rule the land. A land where magic is understood and used everywhere. Where magic we can't even begain to understand, are understood there.[/quote]

These kinds of explanations, while they seem helpful, actually just pull the reader out of the story. These are the kinds of things that need to be established close to the beginning to the beginning of the novel through the world building and describing the setting and should be well established and understood by the reader by this far in. They're really just distracting and feel like you as the author trying to tell me something. My recommendation is to try to really establish the magic system close to the beginning of the novel and show the reader lots of magic so they become familiar with these terms and how the world works.

Also, I'm confused about the purpose of this demon. I do understand that this character is discovering their own mastery of the new soul form of magic, but it was very strange that there was just this nameless demon that conveniently showed up to fight them. What is the significance of this demon? Of this fight? Why did this character even go to this area in the first place? I think these kind of details need to be better established in the motivation of the character as they're progressing through the story.

I am intrigued by this story and it seems like something I would be curious to read more about, but I think there needs to be a stronger focus. Since this is in the beginning of the novel, I should be able to read this and understand the conflict or the goals of the main characters, but I am really unsure of where this is going or where it even came from. Something to keep in mind.

Best of luck writing!
- Wolfe

User avatar
Aleta
Review
Aleta wrote a review · Thu Sep 27, 2018 11:59 pm

Hello! I'll try to review this to the best of my ability despite not reading your previous chapters. I really do like that this has not only a demon but mages and magic in it as well. It seems pretty interesting. For the most part in this review I'll try to help with grammar and other mistakes.

"The footsteps of my teammates fell away, I am sure leo would give me a earful for leaving."

Make sure to capitalize Leo's name. Also, this sentence seems a bit choppy and I think it would flow much better if it were worded differently or divided into two different sentences. Here's an example:

The footsteps of my teammates fell away. Surely Leo would give me an earful for leaving.

"Soon the hall way ended, with a small door stareing at me. I felt the familure golden handle."

*staring, *familiar.

"It was also here, that my master fought to the death for me. A cave I have not been back to, snice then."

Take out the comma after here. *since instead of since

"It is given to only those who found magic and those who's advancment changed magic as a whole."

*whose instead of who's


" Below these mages are heros, peaople who used magic to save and advance the war, and great magic inventors but not enough to be a saint."

*people instead of peaople

"The only limt to what you can keep their, is the amout of magical strength you have."

*limit, amount, there

"I stopped as I sensed a spirt, a demon who dispite the wards was teleporting into this room."
*spirit, despite

I only corrected a few of the mistakes, but maybe proof read before you post it. There are also a handful of great websites that can help you with stuff like this. Hope I helped. ^^



People find it far easier to forgive others for being wrong than being right.
— Albus Dumbledore