12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter six

I awoke to the shrink of a demonic, my body already burning with demonic energy. My wings were spread around me in a cocoon. I teleported to the edge of the cliff, to see a horror I have yet to see. A city of stone, burning with fel energy. Amongst the air large imps with wings similar to my own. If their wings were made like mine, then they hold massive power, though very few demons had more power than mine. Amongst the grounds were demons of snake , horse and many other, the most deadly was those in their demonic form. Similar to my own form their skin was more scaly than flesh, but their was had no demonic energy, they were simple demons with very little power. And hovering over the city, larger than any demon I had seen was a demon it’s skin as disgusting as mine own, it’s fel busting in the same war paint form as my own.

A general, a demon of so immersive power that it is impossible to kill it, being on a demonic worlds, and striking where it is weak. However you did not have to kill it, to stop it, that was my goal. The world once again opened up before me and before me was a imp demon. Upon seeing me, it summoned demonic flames and formed it into spears and flung them at me. I barely noticed them as I laid a magic sphere around me, any then sensed any demonic energies within it, then crushed them with demonic energy.

“So the spy comes out of hiding.” the general commander rumbled, demonic fire appearing as he breathed.

“So you followed me, used my demonic powers against me, like I do to your kind.” I responded, no grin on my face as I normally do.

“Your kind? Don’t make me laugh you are more my kind than those imps and demons you killed. You sense of power, sense of humor, benefits even me.” He chuckled“So I can kill you then?” I asked, no humor showing

“Not in this world, and neither can I you. Now let me send you to our homeworld, demon.”

I drew demonic enger and sent it at him, some of it taking the form of metal, some fire, some water. It pinged off him as it would had me. The problem with the demons I have taken power form, is that most are weak compared to him, even combimbing their power won’t do it, but their defensive powers should hold me. My mastery and twisting of their powers will hold me, everything I have learned will hold me.

“Oh is that all the demon maiden has to offer, let me show you my power.”

My wings became heavy , and I could no longer fly fast enough to attack. He tried to send demonic energy and form a demonic energy I was unaware of. I drew all my energy of my soul and drew that energy away from me. A metal formed in the air not two feet away from me, and hover there. I drew the power’s of the same demon that had made my walls, the demon of minds, and used it to sense the field of demonic gravity.

He drew a sword of metal, it’s ended in flames of demons. It’s power surely rivaled myself. I drew energy around myself and made as many barriers, walls, wards every defensive measure I could take. I made myself a blade and shield, it made of green demonic metal and was infused with shadows of demon’s made it one of the best blades I could make.

I only had a brief second before his sword was upon me, and my wings barley evaded the attack. My body started to burn, not with flames. But rather with engery, engery that as a demon myself I should not be experiencing. However yet again that blade was swung at me, while at the same time new spells of demonic power started to form around me. I nimbly dogged each other attack while slowly spending energy to dispel as many spells as I could.The few spells that got through I evanded and landed on the ground where the center of the gravity field was. Hours I spent this, I grew weavery and tired even as flying became easier and easier until the field disappeared entirely.

My demonic oppeanet roared in anger, and three demonic angels appeared. He spells grew more intense but his swings stopped, in exchange the angels came at me. Their weapons and armor imbued with holy and demonic energy.

I flew out of each swipe, and sent demonic energy at them, trying to form demonic energy within their bodies. But each and every time they counter and sent their own energy toward me. A combination of holy and demonic were one of the most powerful and hard to counter attacks I have dealt with.

I kept thinking out of the thirty or so demons I had most of them just gave me lots of power and energy. Only four gave me new abilities compared to the other’s. Three of those were spells and one was based on demonic martial arts.

Thinking of the last one, I changed my hands into claws and arms like a spear. I swung two fast arms, more deadlier and sharper than any spear, human or demon made I have seen. My wings slowed my speed slightly, causing the angeles to slipped by me too fast to slow. I formed the end of my wings into sharp pointed blades and swung them at the other two angles.

Surprised by my attack they stumbled with defences, unfortunately only my arms connected with their target. When then pierced the angel’s skin I released my demonic power through my skin, and the angel bursted into demonic flames, too powerful for it to handle, it’s holy power betraying it. The body fell to the ground, as bright as a star.

I had to use a lot of demonic power to fly forward and speed fast enough to dodge the two angle’s attack. I casted a spell, nearly impossible to dispel. It spewed forth demonic fire on the angles in front of me, causing them to become giant blue balls of fire, one of the only blue fire spells I had.

If they had decided to go get any distance, even a foot, it would have lost its power at the speed I casted it. But they attacked me, and that was their downfall.

A single spell came bearing down on me, it’s speed barley avoidable and it’s power would be fatal, a ball of demonic water mixed with shadows and caged souls. It left a trail nearly as deadly as the ball hurtling toward me, and I was sure those souls would summon something if I let it hit anything. Without even thinking, the world opened up and I was several feet away and the ball hit my teleport and went to a demonic world.

I turned toward the general to see him holding his sword and say “fire burst” in demonicia, or the demon language. The flames of the sword expanded outwards and them embraced me. By the time it stopped it had engulfed most of the city, and its structure was comparable to the field I had used to destroy the imps earlier.

The heat and energy of the flames kept building on my body until the pain became nearly unbearable.

“I guess I should explain, we generals have weapons of immersive power. But not even I can wield this properly. Only it’s true wielder and my master can wield it for it’s full power. But if you are not it’s true wielder but powerful enough you can wield it, however you have to say the name of each spell out loud to have the sword cast it, and with much lesser effect. Myself I am the true wielder of nearly six swords, but even I can’t use this. Even still this weapon has many instance casts, you know spells that can’t be dispelled because they happen as soon as you cast it. Though the spell caster generals have instance casts of their own.”

By the time he was done rambling, my body had become used to the flame and had absorbed small amounts of its power.

“You know I do think we have the same humor, your talking to insult my knowledge of weather instance casts were real, and bragging you had them, has given me plenty of time.”

He eyed me and then the fire disappeared, only to be replaced by the fire of the sword swinging toward me. I moved my hands to block my face and thankfully they were still hardened by being spears and only one of them became ripped, oozing green demonic power.

He began attacking in ernst again, no spells came after me, but the attacks were faster and more deadly and I could only avoid so many of them.

As I narley avoided his attack once more, he spoke aloud “metal splitter” The sword shifted and small metal fire spikes begun to come at me in rapid session. I put up demonic energy and burned them before they got to me. But I missed when he started to move the sword again and was once again pounded by sword I was flung toward the ground.

As my body was flung around I noticed, off the distance, the being of wisdom staring at me and then he winked and started to fly towards me. I landed and quickly put up a barrier and turned toward and tried to walk to meet the being but found I could not. He found me quickly but seemed to not be able to walk any close. Then a voice rang in my head

“Listen to me while you can, release it. You can’t win this fight with the power of the demon’s you have, so release it you damn fool. Your demon, the demon maiden that is within your head, if you listen to the power of these words, you will know how. Just do it and you can defend us,” A wall of flames appeared between us and no more voice rang in my head. However it was too late for the demon, I knew what he meant, I have heard a strange demon calling me, I thought it was just the side effect of collecting many demons in one body. I followed that voice in my head, and found a wall of demons blocking it. All of these demons had scales like I had not seen before, there was no slime on it, the demonic war paint now had a mist to it, sometimes lighting ran across the mist, running across the body. Sometimes small fire formed in the mist, staying there before disappearing.

I tried to use demonic energy, but it did not work. This was all in my head, other demons could not help me.

“Move you pathetic creatures, your master calls and I am telling you to move” I screamed in my head

Two demons, demons who held massive shields and resembled a humanoid-dragonkin, a dragon who stood on two feet and had the overall form of a human, moved away. Behind them was lines of the dragonkin demons in a line bowing, and I walked. When the line stopped darkness settled over me before a glowing eye settled upon me.

“Oh is my power going to be unleashed yet?” those eyes said

“It is time.”

I returned to my body, to feel the general sword hit me and lift up, before my body exploded in flames. The world shook and the ground crumbled inwards, as though I had crashed form space. My scales no longer had any slams, and a mist enveloped my body, my form had become that of a much more powerful demonic humanoid-dragonkin, the only ones I have seen were those in my mind. I had grow a tail, the light made it simmer revealing poison and detachable spikes, deadlier than any demon I had fought before this fight. My head became shaped like a dragon, and my wings had become dragon like, as well as forming a new smaller pair of wings on my tail. My arms had became more muscled and had scales more powerful and defensive than before, my hand becoming dragon claws. My chest became more muscled and now carried a new power, a power tied to dragons, instead of demons.

I stared at my new opponent, with my new green glowing eyes and without any thought cast five spells, powerful enough to have killed me four times over before this new transformation. My new spells, instant cast spells, sped at him at speeds I could not even fly before, though now I could do it with ease. The general desperately slashed but only destroyed two of the spell’s and the three that hit him made him go to his knees. I drew the power form my chest and fire, not demonic fire sprayed the demon before me.The demon beings started to collapse in on into self until nothing but ash was left of the demon.

As I flew back toward the rest battle a great pain filled my body and I roared as my body returned to the demon form I was in before I became a demon dragon. Most of the other demon’s were dead I sent some demonic flames towards the few remains I could see and then landed at the four being’s room.

The being of wisdom met me, and led me to a room with a room and a dresser in it. Without thinking I feel on the bed and lost myself to sleep.

By the time I awoke the battle was over, any loses were reborn, and a celebration had started, to the battle and to me. I went straight toward the four great being’s room.

“Welcome, demon maiden, please eat.” Skjold, the being of time said.

“I can’t,” I stopped as I saw that the food was neither mortal nor demon, “I guess it could not hurt.”

The food and drinks was sweet, and had a calming effect on the brain.

“I appreciate the food but what was that?” I asked, watching my tone to make it respectful.

“To what part of the battle?” Reheal, the being of the mind asked.

“Me, what am I?” I asked

“You are the demon maiden,” Hermund the being of wisdom said. “But I know that does not satisfy you, so let me explain. That was you, you may not have been a demon or a dragon, but what you have done, that is what you have created. That is your true form, the real you, a form of power and of beauty. However the reason your changed to your demon form, was the fact that you reject that body. You reject the title ‘demon maiden’ as though you can’t be with humans as a demon. Because of that you won’t be able to stay in that form, your true form, for any more than half a minute. You are just lucky then we lowered the demon’s power with our control on the world.”

“Enough of this, let me present you with a gift.” Skjold, the being of time interrupted. He brought a small necklace with a coin like object as the centerpiece of it. “You said you came here for power, you have discovered the wisdom of your own power. However if you still wish for power, then accept this gift. It will allow you to control your world, in a small area around you, as we control the world here.” And he handed me a necklace, with a small stone in it. It swirled with the primal elements.

I nodded thanked him, and cheered him with a drink and ate until late in the night. After the celebrations I went to bed, ready to set off for my home, whenever I awoke.

Comments & reviews · 2
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User avatar
BluesClues
Review

I'm a little confused at the start of this chapter. I remember Les flying off at the end of the last bit I read for reasons unknown, but I think having at least a hint of his motives in that chapter would help me feel less lost in this chapter. Or did he not fly out over the city specifically to stop this general? It feels somewhat spur of the moment, like he happens to see the general demon as he's flying and thinks, "Hmmm, I should stop that guy."

But I also recognize this is already chapter six, and I haven't read from the beginning, so it could be that this was all explained from the very beginning of the story in a part I simply haven't read. If not, I suggest some clarification earlier on - even in the last chapter, as Les flies over the city, it would help to know what he's thinking and what his plans are. Or even if he has no plans but sees these different demons flying around and thinks about how bad they are. Something so it feels more understandable when he decides to take one on.

I think the description of the fight between Les and the general demon is a decent start to a fight scene, because you focus more on what Les is experiencing physically than every single move either one of them is making. However, I think you could take this deeper. Consider what Les is feeling mentally and emotionally. Consider the stakes. He knows this general demon is at least as powerful as he is, possibly more so, but he also knows he can stop the general demon without killing him (which is something I don't think the general demon has considered). What is he risking by engaging in this fight? What does he stand to lose if he loses or gain if he wins? How does he feel about the possibility of losing? I know it's crossed his mind, because he's acknowledged that this guy's going to be tough to beat.

Actually, now that I find out Les is the demon maiden...is Les he or have I been getting this wrong the whole time? Is Les a maiden like a literal maiden, a girl? Does maiden mean something else in this case? Do demons even have binary gender? They have all these different forms they take, so I could see them essentially being agender or gendefluid.

User avatar
Shady
Review
Shady wrote a review · Wed Aug 22, 2018 2:28 am

Hey Ox,

Shady here with a review for you, as promised. I will be trying to focus this review on clunkiness and seeing if I can offer some suggestions about how to help that, but I will also be trying to help with any other general patterns I see as I read. Please don't get discouraged if I have negative comments -- I tend to be a critical reviewer, but the intention is to help you learn and grow as an author (which you've expressed is your desire) so I will do my best to make this a helpful review. Let's get started...

I awoke to the shrink of a demonic, my body already burning with demonic energy. My wings were spread around me in a cocoon.


I think you have a pretty strong opening. The first sentence doesn't make sense to me, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt that if I hadn't jumped in at chapter six that would make sense. But even despite that, this adds suspense ("what's going to happen?) along with a nice description of where the MC is (wrapped in the cocoon of their own wings). Nice job with a strong opening paragraph.

Amongst the air large imps with wings similar to my own. If their wings were made like mine, then they hold massive power, though very few demons had more power than mine.


I'm going to assume that this is an example of one of those clunky sentences you mentioned, so let's talk about it. Part of the problem here is the repetition. "wings similar to my own" followed immediately by "their wings were made like mine" and I get that you were trying to set it up as an if/then sort of statement, but repeating such a similar phrase makes the sentences flow awkwardly.

Another issue is that this is hugely info-dumpy. I know you've probably heard the advice of show don't tell, but unless that advice is illustrated it makes little difference, you know? So here you're explaining how powerful the MC's wings are -- but it's just a really clunky sentence because it feels like it was tossed at us rather than woven into the prose.

I would suggest eliminating one of the wing comparisons then trying to be a bit more subtle about the implications. Such as: "Large imps were in the air, wings similar enough to my own to hold an impressive amount of power" or something like that. That's not a particularly fantastic example, but do you see what I mean? Find a way to phrase it so that you're still making an implicit comparison, without literally spelling it out for the readers in a way that becomes cumbersome.

A general, a demon of so immersive power that it is impossible to kill it, being on a demonic worlds, and striking where it is weak.


This is another example of what I mean, in not being so explicit. This is literally just telling us that the generals have a huge amount of power and can't be killed. But you could come up with a more creative way to phrase it. "A demon with invincible strength, advanced even to the ranks of general, looking to strike where it was weak" would even help reduce some of the clutter (though again that's not a fantastic way to describe it. It would be much better if you could work into your world building to convince us that your generals were invincible, without you having to just flat out tell us that it's so).

My wings became heavy , and I could no longer fly fast enough to attack. He tried to send demonic energy and form a demonic energy I was unaware of. I drew all my energy of my soul and drew that energy away from me. A metal formed in the air not two feet away from me, and hover there. I drew the power’s of the same demon that had made my walls, the demon of minds, and used it to sense the field of demonic gravity.


Another thing that I'm noticing quickly is you use the word demon/demonic waaaaayyyyy too much. Your story is about demons. We get it. The demon maiden. But you really need to find other ways to describe the power and the attacks than "demonic" because it gets really cumbersome to read after a while.

Out of curiosity I ran your chapter through a word counter... you have 2,671 words. And you use the word "demonic" 36 times, "demon" 28 times, and "demons" 15 times. If my calculations are correct that means that approximately 5% of the words you use in this chapter are literally just "demon" or some variation thereof. It's important to have a robust vocabulary. Not a verbose one, where people will need a thesaurus to get through your work -- but one that includes more than just the word demon over and over.

“Welcome, demon maiden, please eat.” Skjold, the being of time said.

“I can’t,” I stopped as I saw that the food was neither mortal nor demon, “I guess it could not hurt.”


Okay, so punctuation within dialogue can be tricky (these two examples I quoted are both incorrect). Luckily, there is this lovely article in the Knowledge Base that is all about properly punctuating dialogue. The author there did a wonderful job of explaining it so I won't waste review here space re-covering what they already said, but if you have any questions or specific examples you'd like me to take a look at I'd be happy to do so. Just lelt me know :)

Also, just for fun, enjoy my favorite meme about writing dialogue ;)

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I hope I didn't discourage you with any of my comments. As I mentioned, I am purposefully critical in the hopes of helping you improve your craft (where all positive comments are helpful in stroking the ego, but not really revising ;) ). I do think you have an interesting premise and a really promising story line. I mean an epic demon battle, what more could you want for the first chapter you stick your nose into, amirite?

I think just focusing on really thinking through what your setting is, and then leveraging that to your ability to "show" rather than "tell" us your story is going to be hugely beneficial. And of course the bit I mentioned about varying your vocabulary.

Hope this helped! Keep writing!

~Shady 8)

This review was brought to you courtesy of the Better Review Bureau

Well, let me just say firstly I am hugely grateful for this review. Now to respond to this just awesome review.

So to the clunky sentences you mentioned. I have re-read the line over and over and agree that the repeated use of words. However I have also re-read other lines I think are clunky, and I think part of it is grammar/spelling. So if I work that, hopefully that helps quite a bit, but I know I will still need help to work on that.

To the show don't tell. So it is a bit of struggle. So there are things I haven't explained enough and kinda am just not sure how to weave in without telling, or I guess I struggleing with the execution of it. I plan to go look for the resource thread on it, to remind me of it as it has been a bit.

Ah poor vocabulary. I mean not I am not sure how to expand my vocabulary other than time, I mean yes I do go look up synonym and look up stuff on thesaurus. But sometimes I just don't realize I am using dull words/using the same word over and over again. So if you have any tips for expanding vocabulary let me know, though I do think it should get a lot better in the second draft (not that, that is a excuse) Also I DID have another word for demon, I was using fel and infernal, but I deleted them because I was worried of copying off something (and clearly I didn't want to make a name up for my demons in this world). Though I can use infernal know that I think of it.

dialogue grammar- yea I am just bad at grammar. I really just need to learn and continue to use grammar in order for it to be second hand nature.

Anyway these on how I plan to tackle the issues you have presented to me, some of which are very new some while some are things I am having re pointed to me. Tell me if you have tips on how to deal with the issues you have presented if I am not doing it, or doing something stupidly.

Also I did not get discouraged, I asked for a though review and I got a a pretty honest though and fair review. (way more fair than I thought tbh) In fact I think you were the one who encouraged me most, though biscuits is pretty close. When you complemented my first line, I realized I do have good lines. Before this I was struggling to remember that to be honest, My mind just focused on the clunky and poor writing rather than those rare gems. And I know it wasn't fake as you ripped the rest of it to shreds (in a good way). Sorry for getting personal, just wanted to let you know, you really helped me a lot man. I really do appreciate it. And I am currently talking all this information you have given me, as well as biscuits reviews and starting a new story (yes I will still do my LMS and demon maiden.) So far the starting is WAYYYY better than the starting for demon maiden, and a large part of that goes to you.

Anyway sorry for getting person, I just felt like it worth mentioning in case you found it interesting or something.

Anyway Thank you so much, and If I ever need help in the future I assume I may ask you? if not it's fine was just asking.

Anyway it's late and I would like to get a little more done on my new story, so good night and for the last time thank you for the review.

Oxara

I'm glad you found it helpful and not discouraging :)

I do think that focusing on improving your grammar/spelling, as you mentioned, would also be helpful. I try to steer away from grammar based reviews so I didn't point them out, but I did notice several errors (and quite a few straight up typos) that you could definitely focus on improving upon.

And of course, yeah, if you need help in the future feel free to ask :) I don't have time to commit to following this novel faithfully, but if you have any specific questions or if you have a chapter that is giving you particular difficulty then definitely feel free to run it by me and I'll do my best to offer helpful suggestions :)

~Shady 8)



I was never insane except upon occasions when my heart was touched.
— Edgar Allan Poe