z

Young Writers Society


12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter eight

by Oxara


I did not bother to keeping my eye is open on the way, though I kept my hand on my new necklace The water seemed to try to reach toward me, and the wind seemed just make my flight be more smoother than ever before. The energy around me, of the land, the creatures, the forces were overwhelming. I fell asleep, too tired to be awake to these feeling.

I awoke from my long sleep, still flying to see leo panied flying upon shadow wings towards me.

"Hurry, we need to get to the city at once." Leo said in a shaking voice

Without even responding we entered the shadow's and within a second we were upon the city. A city now burning with the infernal flames of demon's. There was only one demon standing behind the wall, with every demon hunter in the city attacking him. Yet I could see no blood, scratch or damage of any kind of him.

His eyes met mine, and then his massive jaw began to move, almost like a monster roaring. "Well you have come, demon maiden."

"I have no need to introduce myself, now do I, well what of you?"

"I don't often give my names to such inferior beings, but since you managed to beat my brother's. Well anyways my name Torgalmath, the demon of time. I am part of the high council of demon;s. The reason your demon hunter friend's can't even hurt me is because of that. I have the soul's of two other's high general's demon's imbued within my skin."

The demon of time, the fact that our city looked like the eternal being's, the fact that the demon stopped the voices when I entered the sea. Maybe demon's directly come from the eternal sea. It would make sense they share quite a few power's with them and their near immorality. But then why would our city look like the eternal being's?

The demon interrupted my thoughts, as he yelled into my mine. Well aren't you smart, yes that is right, humans were created upon this land. We were once friends, until the great war. We lost our access to the eternal sea then, and you only had access because of us, so a wall of voices were made to stop you. But then you a master of both human and demon could make their way in.

"Well let's get this started shall we? I will kill the demon maiden for weakening my brother."

I unleashed my power, allowing my body to be consumed to my demon. I made a spear and a sword, that if anything seemed like they were meant to be fired by a ballista rather than be held.

"I am no fool to face you, when your a demon." He said with a cruel laugh echoing throughout the city. He started to cast a spell, the entire energy seemed to more than even galizure and me could produce together.

And within a second a large sphere with branching lines appeared, a structured spells. Spell's so powerful that in order to cast them, they need a magical structure to be built for it. Human's have cast a spell of that power only once, to banish the most powerful demon we have ever seen, and in honor of that hero the mage's used that spell as their crest.

Even with my desperation of trying to dispel it, the spell hit me a second later. And I felt a pain, as though my flesh was being torn off of me. As part of my brain was taken from myself, as my energy and power left my body. As my blood, stopped being itself and changed, shifted with in my own body.

And when the pain subsided I saw my body and there was no hint of any demon. I could not hear their voices, not feel their power and energy within my body or my blood. And my eyes they glow with a energy and light. A light that I would have had if I was a god chosen, where I grew up. I could not feel any power or energy, beside that small amount, so it would not help me in this fight.

Thinking quickly, I searched my body until I found my necklace, and drew energy from my body. I tried to fly toward the demon, but hit a wall of air. I focused all of the energy in the necklace and the world opened up before me and I appeared a few yards away. However I had no more energy within my body

The demon grin grew and he drew a bow from his back pulled a arrow from a unseen quiver. I tried to move, to do anything but my body only floated there. I stared at that massive arrow and that demon, and met the demon's grin with my own. My laugh echoed across the battlefield,

“A demon to the end I see, a shame you didn’t join us.” His voice spoke, sounding more like thunder than a voice.

The arrow flew towards me, a green flame now upon it and more than enough spells to be fatal. Yet I just stared at him smiling, waiting for my life to be drained from this world, yet I would never give in to the demons. I would always smile at the demon’s ready to kill them or be killed.

However, the arrow never hit me, as galziure shield met the monster’s arrow. However not even he could stand there un touched, and his body continued to fly toward me. He pushed against it, almost flying against it only end up only a little bit away from me.

The demon had already drawn a blade, just as powerful as the demon general I had killed before. It was then that I started to feel a flow of energy within me, where it was coming from I did not know. Out of the corner of my eye, I noticed Several flying toward me a ever faint grin on his face.

“I guess you don’t need my offer any more. Anyway about time you killed this thing, don’t you think?.”

“And how am I meant to do that?”

“Fight a organized spell with a organized spell right? We will send you the energy for it, you just have to use it.”

“I can’t do that, I never even used any magic beside the demon's and this body is not a demon’s.”

“Your a god chosen now, so don’t let me down.” He simply winked and flew away putting defensive spells up and a shield on his arm.

As energy continued to come in greater and greater amounts. My body made demonic wings made of wood and stone and my skin became a hard scale, almost bark like in it’s texture. I laughed once more at the demon, at its ignorance. With one last grin toward the demon; two large sphere’s appeared next to me. And slowly lines started to connect to each other within each sphere.

The demon began to attack in more frantic patterns using more and more of its energy, nearly bringing the defender’s shielded down, even almost killing a few. Even galzuire and saberal seemed to be tiring against the repeated attacks.

I doubled my pace, however my body started to shift to change. My wings became foul smelling, and my skin began to change to have a demonic tint with my normal infernal war paint. I panicked for a second before realizing this was my body, my energy. This was the energy and power every demon hunter. I focused on the sphere’s once again, and the lines and branches started to re-form slightly, change connections to glow a bright green flame.

The demon at last broke the shield and was already upon me within the second. His sword swung toward me, yet my sphere's has already made the connections seconds before. I stared at the demon, as a massive spear, as tall as any mountain, impaled the demon before me. A second later blue flames enveloped his body, as well as a massive chain's disarming him and containing any magic he tried to cast. The next sphere began spinning, fast and faster, the flames grew hotter and spread within the sphere. After a few seconds the second sphere disappeared, as I felt the demon energy entering my body, and as a drained a very small amount of his powers, the power of time. It was not long before his body turned to ash and his soul returned to whatever hell he lived in.


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Sun Sep 30, 2018 12:53 am
Mea wrote a review...



Hey there, Oxara! I'm here for a quick review on this lovely Review Day. :D

It seems I've jumped in at a really dramatic chapter, and honestly I like that. You have a good flair for the dramatic, epic battle here, and those are always fun to read assuming they're placed at the right time within the story. Unfortunately, I can't comment on whether or not it is, since I haven't read previous chapters.

The main thing that made this difficult to read for me was your consistent grammar errors. You had a wide variety of them, everything from apostrophe and capitalization errors to occasionally not ending your sentences with a period. Honestly, at times it feels like you didn't proofread this before you posted it, and if that's the case I really recommend that you proofread it at least once, just to catch the simplest errors. It'll make it so much easier to read, and then your readers will be able to give you better feedback by focusing on the story rather than the grammar.

With that being said, there's one grammar thing I want to address: plurals and apostrophes. Apostrophes followed by an "s" *only* indicate possession, as in "Leo's sword." Apostrophes followed by an "s" are essentially *never* used for plurals. For example, it's "brothers", not "brother's." That was the most common and most simple grammar error I saw, so I thought I'd talk about it.

Human's have cast a spell of that power only once, to banish the most powerful demon we have ever seen, and in honor of that hero the mage's used that spell as their crest.

So, this spell is really cool, and I really liked the way you described it. I love grand, sweeping magical fights, and you've captured that tone in this chapter really well.

That being said, with what I quoted above, I can't help but wonder if the spell is so powerful and difficult to cast, how is this demon able to do it? Are they really that much more powerful than humans? And why was Les taken by surprise by the spell that turns her back into a human instead of a demon? if Les fights other demons a lot and is enough of a demon to be familiar with how they work, than shouldn't she know of the existence of a spell like this and be prepared to fight back against it or to avoid it?

I think that's all I've got for you today! This is a great start to your story so far. Good luck with this story, and keep writing!




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Sat Sep 29, 2018 9:19 pm
BluesClues wrote a review...



The demon interrupted my thoughts, as he yelled into my mine. Well aren't you smart, yes that is right, humans were created upon this land. We were once friends, until the great war. We lost our access to the eternal sea then, and you only had access because of us, so a wall of voices were made to stop you. But then you a master of both human and demon could make their way in.


This feels like a clunky, potentially infodumpy way to give us information about demon/human relations. I'm actually sort of surprised it hasn't come up earlier in the story, at least in the bits I've read. If this is the big deal about Les' identity, it probably should. Also, wouldn't Les already know about the great war and the history of demon/human relations? This is another reason this bit feels clunky.

Have I given you my favorite Tumblr post about dialogue formatting? I don't remember. If not, here it is:

Image

I don't have a ton to say about this specific chapter because once again we've got Les fighting another demon. The story is getting to be really repetitive, because for the last several chapters, at least, it's been a series of fights, mostly between Les and other random demons. We're now, what, three chapters from when Les initially left the training compound for this city? And I'm no closer to understanding why Les left in the first place. There doesn't seem to be any actual purpose; everything that's been happening feels random. These last few chapters need more focus. What needs to happen to drive the plot forward? What does Les want to accomplish? What does Les need to do to make this happen?





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