12+ Violence

The demon maiden chapter three

PreviousNext

I let myself sit there for a hour, before I dragged up my mind form the depths of the pain. I started to slowly, delicately separate my powers form one another. I started to cast healing magic on my hands, to very little effect. After a time of legnth, that my brain could not calculate, the pain slowly started to disappear.

I sat there, a demon once again. The only sign of the ra'oxa powers I used before, hidden away within my mind, within another relm. I felt that demoinc blood flowing through my veins. The demonic power within my body. I let my skin, my physical being fully become a demon. My skin became a greenish blue and was smooth, yet extremely strong, almost stone like I spread my newly formed wing, and shot into the sky. the sky I had claimed for myself, the sky I hadworked so hard to get.

The demonic winds and sky welcomed me to them. I moved as though I was just a part of that wind. I felt the wind shift and I shifted without a thought. I had earned this, I told myself, this is a world for a demon hunter. A world the demon once owned, would be the world where I would use to smite them and kill them. I landed at my favorite spot, a island where you can see nothing of the rest of the world. It was as though it was it's own world, with it's river of demonic engery falling off into the void. I returned my skin back into human flesh, but my blood, my heart was still demonic, and I still had my wings.

I felt my world's portal being opened, I knew it was my sqaud before they even appeared before me. Only they could firgure out my locks on my world that quickly. Then they were there, staring at me, at my wings. Their eyes pulled away form my wings, toward my hands. while they stared at my hands I made my wings disappear, in case they think of staring at it again

"Are you ok?" Galizure said, in a soft voice.

"Just a normal day as a demon" I said with a much of a smile I could muster

"A normal day, how come that has never happened before. And what of those wings?" Leo snapped

I only listened linstead to my stream of green engery, almost water like, flowing off the island on this world which we know stood.

"I'm sorry, I didn't mean anything by it. Don't answer if you don't want."

I stared at Leo, his eyes were full of concern, surpise, even what I thought might be awe. The rest of them looked worried. This was my squad, the peaople who understood me and accepted me. The peaople who made me think I was one of them, not a demon. They had earned a honest response.

"I'm sorry to have made you all worry," They were shaking their heads. I begain to tell them everything of today, of how I saved those demon hunters, of my inabilites to use both powers at once without that pain, of my true demonic form and I left it at that.

"Why hide that? we've already accepted your powers, you think that will make a difference?"

"You guys, I doubted it would change you guys minds. But other peaople, they already hate me. If they saw that, I would not doubt if they tried to get the rest of the demon hunters to kill me. And I would not be surprised if the high council agreed to it."

"Screw those guys," he moved his eyes to meet mine, "Fine don't show it in public, but with us you can."

Galizure spoke up at last "Enough Leo, she has been through a lot. I understand and respect her desicion to hide this even form us. I don't know what the high council will think, but she should be careful like she has been. However Leo is right on one thing, in our house your free to use that powers, we will make sure no one see's it."

The fools, can't they see it is also to be like them. I like being part of this squad, being truly part of it. If I went around in my demon form, I would be more different then I allready am.

"Thank you guys for the offer, but I must decline. If I really need a space to do it, I have this entire world. A world for a demon, a world where I can do anything to it I wish. Where I can be anything I wish. But I like being a demon hunter, having this week flesh, having these human muscles. So don't worry about it me. Truly it was just a way to clear that mage power form me and return my demonic powers to it's full power." I smiled a pretty smile. It did not feel right smiling in that way, a demon smiling like a human.

Only after Amnayelth ented the portal did I realise the portal was still partly open. Our eyes met and he nodded. I picked up his meaning, his appercation. I only nodded back toward him. At my nod, my squad spun around to see him standing there.

"What you plan on choking me with stars this time?" He said with a slight smile.

"I didn't think you had humor when you stormed at me, declaring a battle, earlier."

"I didn't, but why not learn now? I can't hold on to my old beliefs anymore, that includes creating a new personality. Plus I saw your squad, laughing at time and serious at others. I realized I wanted to be like that." He shrugged

I walked over to him building up my power, realeasing it as fire that englufed my arms.

"You want to be like us huh, well go get me a beer." I said in a amused tone.

"Well there's no beer here, and if there was why don't you get it your self." He exclamied in a slightly amused voice

I clicked my touge and glared at him and prepeared to strike. He glanced and put up a shield for himself up. I stoped half way and chuckled "seems to me you already are. Anyway let's get out of my world, otherwise my demons might eat you."

And all of us, as equals in this world entered the portal to Loïc.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Sun Aug 26, 2018 8:17 pm

Hello hello!! Here to bring this out of the green room for you! :D

This is an intriguing concept with the demon defending the demon hunter. I really liked the description at the very beginning when the MC transformed back into their regular body. I really liked how you showed how she was feeling and what that transformation is like.

I think what I mostly want out of this chapter is for things to slow down a little. After that cool description at the beginning I feel like we just take off for the races and I felt a little lost.

I felt my world's portal being opened, I knew it was my sqaud before they even appeared before me.

I would love to see more of how this portal is opened and what this squad looks like as they come. I'm new to this world so I really want to see what this portal looks like and what the squad looks like, what everything looks like :)

I agree with Biscuits that there was good spacing out of action and inner monologue and I'm glad you didn't have talking head syndrome with the dialogue. I think with the dialogue there were times it was hard for me to follow and I think that was because sometimes it sounded overly formal, and I think also because there wasn't a lot distinction of personality between the characters. Dialogue is super tricky to get right, especially in the first draft when you're also trying to get to know your characters! I agree with Biscuits that it would be good to show more of each of their personalities. I think once you get to know the characters more yourself it will be easier to infuse that personality in to each conversation.

I'll leave things there for now, but let me know if you have any questions or if you'd like feedback about something I didn't mention! :D

Well, I am honestly quite surprised as I feel descriptions are one of my big weakness. Same with dialogue. But I appreciate it, and In terms of the portal i kinda left out of the description of it, as I thought it wasn't that of great importance. But onto the more major thing of personalities, i agree that currently it is lacking personalities (even up to to chapter seven) However I have started to explore other character's and I believe they are starting to develop more of a personality, though I do need to work on it more.

Anyway I was just saying that I appreciate your review and will consider it when making my chapter's in the future.

Thanks,

Oxara

User avatar
ExOmelas
Review

Hi again, I just wanna say I've just started this and already it is so so much smoother than the first two chapters.

Nit-picks:

"I'm sorry to have made you all worry," They were shaking their heads. I begain to tell them everything of today, of how I saved those demon hunters, of my inabilites to use both powers at once without that pain, of my true demonic form and I left it at that.

Wait wait wait! When did this happen? Have I missed a chapter?

Only after Amnayelth ented the portal did I realise the portal was still partly open.

Again - what what portal? Also I don't remember this character?

Overall:

Okay so this is basically perfect pacing. The description of the action is detailed and I get a good amount of inner monologue from the MC. I pretty much know what is going on in this scene, which makes it so much more enjoyable.

What I don't know is what happened just before this. When was she challenged to a fight? Didn't she call out that rookie from before? Didn't she go looking for a fight? And when did she save demon hunters? I'm so confused. Like, genuinely feel like I might have missed a chapter.

There's also not that much distinction between your other characters. I can definitely tell that Leo and Galizure are different people, but I'd really like some character-building scenes where they have deep conversations and I can get to know their personalities.

Hope this helps,
Biscuits :)



History repeats itself. First as tragedy, second as farce.
— Karl Marx