I enter the classroom
More tired than before.
I pull out my binder
Paper, pencil, and more.
iPad, sketchbook, I’m all set
for once again another period.
A name called, my head raised
My brain still daydreaming away.
Time passes by
And I try
To keep my self awake
More drawing
sketching
paper strewn
And a last bell with the sound of an earthquake.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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125,005 Literary Works • 672,801 Reviews
We all had some miserable last period class. I'm with you.
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After reading a few of your pieces, I feel that your style is very simplistic and to-the-point. If this satisfies you, then ignore what I have to say for the rest of this review.
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I'm repeating myself here, but you could add an element of mystery and interest (foreshadow, symbolism) to counteract the directness you have. Use imagery, too - Drop the reader into your scene.
The flow is personally too bumpy for me here. So try:
And I try to keep
Myself awake
Just a suggestion! You can toss it away if you don't want to.
These could be in the same stanza. Once again a personal preference, but it eases the flow and ebb of writing.
There are other little tidbits here and there, but I'm sure you can catch them with good review and practice. That's all from me!
-Manilla out
(Feel free to disregard any comment you deem unhelpful or offensive...It wasn't intentional!)
Radrook here a once again
to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend.
It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside
all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true
by being extra careful.
That having been said
Yikers! That brings back so many memories of how I used to daydream and fall asleep and and be broght back to reality by that bell the same way. In fact I got nicknamed Dizzy because the teacher kept asking me where my mind was at during classes. There is actually a medical condition called Narcolepsy where the person falls asleep suddenly. Driving isn’t recommended nor working with machinery. But to determine if this is the cause, a medical examination is necessary.
Here is an article on it.
Narcolepsy
https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Narcolepsy
Suggestion
I enter the classroom
More tired than before.
I pull out my binder
Paper, pencil, and more.
Please note that the above introductory stanza sets up an expectation of meter and rhyme scheme [a,b,c,b]. When it doesn't continue, it is like a sudden wrenching stop. Had it continued in a similar way to the example below:
A Pad, and a sketchbook,
I’m really all set
for another school period.
that I'll never forget.
Then it would have flowed smoothly on.
In any case, I enjoyed the memories and the straightforward way they were expressed. Looking forward to reading more of your work.
Thanks for the suggestions! I%u2019ll keep them in mind for the future.