NaPo #6: Track and Field

Hello! I am here to review yet another of your lovely NaPo pieces.

Let's cut to the chase, shall we?

Technical commentary:

1. One of the big things I learned in English class was that a lot of poems have a pivot point (or two or three), and that this pivot gives a sense of complexity to your work. In a lot of like... famous poetry, it's usually something kind of existential, so I enjoyed the change that line 9 brought to this work. It's a happy change of tone! And I think that going from that torture hard work of running to the softer winning part is a fun transition.

2. Grammar conventions are, of course, optional in poetry. But since I noticed that both this piece and #5 skip punctuation entirely, I would also argue that it's fun to play with the way that punctuation and capitalization can add to the form and meaning of a poem. They can tell the reader when a ideas larger than a line stop and start, and give divisions through the different parts of a poem, in a way that's similar but not quite like stanzas.

3. I think the pattern of using only 'ing' words would be strengthened by rewording line 3, if that's a thing you want to do. It would also strengthen the pivot in line 9, since that's where you stop using the 'ing's.

Subjects, themes, and misc. items:

I don't know much about long distance running (or moderate distances. I ran hurdles) so I probably can't comment much on the veracity of your statements about running. But I still think you do a nice job with the portrayal.

Hmm... that might be it. I enjoyed this piece! I think in general your poetry style is fun to read, and it's straightforward enough that I don't get lost.

I look forward to catching more of your NaPo work!
-Buggie

Radrook here a once again to offer some suggestions.
Apologies if i offend. It isn’t my intention.
Please feel full free to cast aside all things you deem not helpful.
But if you do be sure its true by being extra careful.

That having been said:

Thanks for sharing this poem of a long-distance runner under extreme physical duress, who is about to cross the finish line first. He is described as being drenched in sweat, deluged by rain, pummeled by wind, struggling against mud, tears streaming down his face from weeping from pain or joy or both, while water surges down his gullet towards his lungs, and muscles his aching something fierce. Yet he is described as still running fast and strong! That is a very determined runner indeed. Someone of lesser fortitude might have simply fainted from lack of oxygen, blindly crashed into a tree or into a bystander, or succumbed to the pain in his legs. Goes to show what determination can accomplish if we put our minds to it.

A very interesting read! Looking forward to reading more of your work.


BTW


My experience in long distance racing wasn't aching muscles but inability to get them working faster no matter how hard I tried. I was stuck in one velocity which didn't permit me to catch the dude who was just several feet ahead and occasionally glancing back and grinning at me. He was probably in the same condition since he wasn't pulling away. Talked to my cousin who was a regular long-distance runner and he termed it rigor mortis which I later found out is the term applied to what happens to the muscles after death. So how he came to associate it with running is beyond me.

But I found this article that makes a reference to it:

Rigor Mortis Bend
https://bbcatmcmaster.wordpress.com/201 ... nderstand/