She heard her own screams before she realized she was falling. Firm hands had lifted her high, carried her to the balcony edge and flung her off. The last thing she saw was the rose in his hand, the same rose she had given him just a few moments ago.
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"Princess Amelia, you have a visitor.” A servant called from outside the closed doors.
Amelia placed the brush on her dressing table. She had been sitting there, mindlessly brushing her long red hair. Her own green eyes twinkled back at her in the mirror, sad and defeated, reminding her of her own mistakes.
“Come in.” She called in a soft voice. The doors to her chamber opened and a man walked in. He was tall and lean, standing proud. His clean, soft, blond hair rested gently against his forehead. He bore his own coat of arms on his shirt sleeve. His blue eyes smiled at Amelia, calling her to him.
The stool scrapped against the floor as Amelia rushed forward. She leapt at him, her arms wrapped around his neck. He placed his hands on the small of her back, keeping her aloft. She hugged him, feeling the warmth of his body against her. He had been sitting at the fire not a few moments ago; she could smell it upon him. He kissed her forehead as he slowly placed her feet back on the cold tile.
“You have missed me my love,” he said. It wasn’t a question, he knew. She had sent countless letters, begging him to come. She needed him there with her, she couldn’t live without him. But he knew that she couldn’t be allowed to live at all.
“I have,” she responded as he ran a hand through her hair. “You have been gone for far too long. I have been lonely.”
“I know, I have read the letters. You need a husband. Your father’s time is almost gone. He has few precious days on this earth yet to live.”
Tears began to fall from the princess’s eyes. She looked down, frantically trying to stop. She did not want Charles to see her tears. But he had seen and his hand felt warm against her cheek as he wiped them away. With a soft touch, he placed his hand under her chin and pulled her face upward. She stared into his eyes, those caring and loving eyes.
“No need to cry my love. You’re father’s memory will always live on within you,” he said calmly. Amelia nodded and choked back more tears.
“But he has been sick for so long,” she said. “I thank the Lord every night that he lived to see another day.”
“I understand,” Charles responded. “Come, let us walk out onto the balcony.” He motioned for her to go first and followed behind. Before they reached the doors leading outside, Amelia picked up a red rose off her desk.
Charles waited patiently, but his patience was running out. He needed to get it over with. He had to do what he came to do, his majesty was counting on him. Amelia opened the doors before him and walked straight to the edge. Charles watched her walk, her beautiful red dress dragging on the ground. He smiled to himself and shut the doors, blocking off her chamber. She would have no escape.
“My dear,” he said, moving closer to her. He stood just behind her, his hand reaching to rest on hers. He followed her gaze and saw the town. The fires burned high into the sky and showed no sign of stopping. The people ran for cover, but Charles knew they had no hope of hiding from the fire or his men. He smiled to himself, glad that it was all going well.
“My kingdom is dieing, Charles,” Amelia said, turning to face him. “I need your help. Will you take this as a symbol of our peace and friendship?” She held out the rose, her frail hands shaking. Charles laughed to himself as he took the flower from her grasp.
“I will take you flower, but I will not accept your offer of peace.”
Amelia looked at him, her eyes searching his. “What do you mean?” Charles laughed.
“My dear you must not be so trusting,” he gripped her shoulders and turned her to face the kingdom. “Do you see that? I did that, my men, my kingdom. We want you gone. Your reign is over.” Amelia shook her head frantically and struggled in his grasp. But he held her tight. Turning her to face him, he looked her in the eyes. They were full of terror.
“You act like you did not see this coming princess. You knew there was something between us. You knew, but you turned your head,” he picked her up and carried her to the edge of the balcony. She screamed, she kicked, but he never let her go. “And now with one action, I will be gone of you and your kingdom. Goodbye my love.” He let go and watched her fall, the rose in his hand; the rose of peace.
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137,826 Literary Works • 672,067 Reviews
Hello, Noelle.
For such a short space, you did a great job of establishing characters, relationships, setting, and story. My mind tends to wander while I'm reading, but you kept my attention the whole time. Yay!
Short stories is a great way to shake a bad case of writers block. Plus, it's fun to introduce yourself to new characters and settings after writing one novel for a while.
So. On to this short story.
Nitpicks:
Really hooking first sentence.
I noticed you did your dialogue punctuation backwards a few times in the beginning, but the rest were correct. I think you know how to do it, so I won't explain it.
I think you meant "scraped."
To avoid a comma splice here, I would change the second clause to "wrapping her arms around his neck." Or you could just separate them into different sentences.
Another comma splice. You could change the comma to a dash if you wanted to.
Very nice switch of perspective here.
No need to repeat "patient."
I don't think that's really necessary. But if you want to keep it, the comma should be a semicolon or a period.
"dying"
I'm pretty sure "princess" should be capitalized because you don't have an article in front of it, and he's using it as a title to address her. I'm not completely certain, though.
General Critiques:
I enjoyed reading this.
-Sea-
DragonGirl11 here, hoping to help you become a better writer.
Clearly, "Her green eyes" are her own, you don't need to have "own" in there, especially since "own" is used twice in one sentence. Getting rid of the second "own" wouldn't be a bad idea either.This story is a really good idea. The princess betrayed by her love: classic. The first few paragraphs really grabbed my attention, and you told the entire story very well in a small amount of space. The backstory was great, and I liked the transition from Charles, the lover, to Charles, the betrayer. You certainly used your prompts, "rose, loyalty, and fall."
However, I have a few nitpicks:
Starting with the title: "Treachary" should be spelled "Treachery." Other than that, though, you had excellent spelling.
"She called" is a speech tag. There should be a comma after "Come in," because it's all one sentence.
Maybe stick "and" in there, to show that she wrapped her arms around his neck after she leapt at him.
At first glance I thought Charles laughed, "What do you mean?" But Amelia was really the one saying this, right? "Charles laughed" should probably be with the next paragraph to avoid confusion.
The ending was a little weak. Repeat the first paragraph at the end would make it much better!
In general, go over the story and check your use of commas. Hint: there's a few missing. Think, wherever you would naturally pause, insert a comma.
In conclusion, great story, just a few grammar mistakes. Thumbs up!
Write on, and God bless.