Marcia walked into the post office carrying a toy boat underneath her arm. In the other hand she carried her purse, small and elegant, but still one for a working mother. She walked up to the counter and a young man stood behind it. He had short black hair and sea green eyes. He wore the required employee outfit: a blue polo shirt and black slacks
“Excuse me, sir, but I need to send this boat to my cousin. How much will it cost?” Marcia asked.
“A boat, a real boat?”
“No, it’s a toy boat.” She placed the boat on the counter.
“Well, where does your cousin live?”
“He lives in Montana. He has a little boy, his name is Dale. Would you like to see pictures?”
“Uh, ma’am maybe another time? We close in an hour.”
“Oh no, this will only take a minute, you just wait.”
The man sighed and continued on. “To send that boat to Montana from Georgia would be—”
“See, here’s Dale the day after he was born. See how small he is!” She excitingly waved the photograph in his face.
“Yes, that’s a lovely picture, but—”
“Six pounds four ounces. He was so tiny! He’s gotten much bigger since then. My cousin hopes Dale grows up and plays football, he’s a huge fan.”
“Aren’t we all?”
“Totally! Do you watch football? Lucky the lockout’s over, huh? Otherwise there wouldn’t be any football to watch!”
“Yeah. Now, how do you want to send your toy boat? We have many different options. Or did you already have something in mind?”
“Oh, and here’s the cutest picture of him,” she said, shoving a second picture in the man’s face. “It was his first birthday and he tore apart the cake with his hands! How cute is that?!” She laughed loudly, holding her sides. The worker simply stared at her, not knowing what to do.
“Here’s another cute one. That’s him on his third birthday. He was scared of fire back then so he wasn’t too fond of the candles. He was crying the whole time we sang ‘Happy Birthday’ to him! How cute!”
“Uh, ma’am are you going to—”
“And this picture is from the one time I went to visit him. You see here, his hair was still curly! It’s gotten straighter since then. I wish his hair was still curly.”
“Okay,” the worker said. “Thank you so much for showing me your nice pictures, but it is now four thirty and this post office closes at five. You have held up a lot of people who really need to send something. Are you going to send this boat to Montana or not?”
Marcia looked back and saw a long line behind her. “Oh goodness, I am so sorry. There’s got to be a dozen people standing behind me!”
“Yes, so are you going to send the boat or not?”
Marcia took a long look at the boat. It was a nice boat, one of those toys your kid could play with in the bath tub. It was purple and pink, her daughter’s favorite colors. But Dale liked those colors too, that’s why she had picked out that certain one. She was sending it to Dale because she forgot to give him a fifth birthday present. But her daughter’s birthday was also coming up soon.
“No.”
The man looked at her in disbelief. “No? What do you mean?”
“I’ve decided that I am not going to send this to my cousin Dale in Montana. I am going to keep it and give it to my own daughter.”
“So, let me get this straight. You just stood here and talked to me for a half hour about your cousin’s son, Dale, and now you’re not going to send this toy to him?”
“Nope. I’m going to give it to my daughter. Do you wanna see pictures of her?”
The man groaned.
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139,278 Literary Works • 672,524 Reviews
I liked how you used your dialogue here, and I liked the flow it created. I have to disagree with priceless on the show and don't tell stuff, I don't think it's anymore effective to "show." Really that's more indicative of third person narrative, and that is what you have here, but there are many ways to go about that. If I was you I would keep the ending, but the thing I couldn't understand is the characters motivation, and if I didn't understand the motivation of the character, how can I sympathize with the character. I like you were giving descriptive words to show how people looked, but I would also like to see what the main character looks like more. Other than that, I think you have a fast short story that has a good ending. Keep on writing and learning!
Thanks for sharing with us.
I liked it! I couldn't find anything that Priceless didn't mention that needs fixed, and I especially enjoyed how you captured what people who are like that act. It made me think of situations I've been in where there has been a person like that, and it was totally spot on. Keep it up!
Heya,
xD Okay. Funny ending. Although I don't know why, I expected it to have a sad conclusion. Can't explain it. o.O
Mini info-dump. Instead of telling us what the purse looked like, tell us what brand it was.
Is excitingly even a word? Again, show-don't-tell. Make her smile till it lights up her eyes. Avoid 'ly' words as much as possible.
Again, telling and also, we've jumped from Marcia's head into the worker's. Cause she wouldn't know what he's thinking, so show us instead.
That was all I noticed, otherwise, nice work.