Sacrifice

by Noelle

Published January 1, 2017

In Shorts

A/N: I found this in a folder while I was cleaning out old writings on my computer and figured I'd post it here for help. I like to keep my shorts ambiguous and a very little detailed in order to keep them from turning into something more. I already write enough novels to begin with.

Basically I want to know if you understand what happened in the end and what the main character's decision was. I think I put the clues in there, but sometimes I feel like I know what's going on and my clues aren't as strong as they need to be for this to make sense. If you could add that onto the end of your review that would be very helpful. Thanks!


They burst through my cell door without much grace. I'm barely able to look up before I'm ordered to my feet -- by the crown prince no less. His fair skin and shaggy hair holds no spell over me. Any moment of fantasizing vanished when I agreed to my brother's plan.

It's hard to carry the chains I've been bound to for weeks and I don't get up fast enough. A guard reaches down and yanks, nearly pulling my withered arm from its socket, until I'm on my feet. If it weren't for him holding me steady, I would've been back on the floor. Miraculously, my chains fall, clattering against the plain floor. My hand flies to my neck, massaging the sores left from the metal surrounding it. That chain was the worst.

"Here," the crown prince grunts as he hands me a sword. I fumble with the handle and it burns when I grasp it. Stars line my vision when I finally capture the sword with all my strength. When they clear, I see the prince staring at me. I'd question his choice to give me a weapon, but I learned long ago not to talk to royalty.

As my crippled brain tries to understand, another set of guards enter my cell, dragging my brother between them. He's beaten and bloodied, his simple blue shirt stained purple. Hardly any feature of his is recognizable. I want to curl over and empty my stomach, but I have to stay strong. If not for me for him.

The prince ignores the additional prisoner and pulls my gaze to his. "Kill him."

I can only stare back. "What?"

"I'm offering you a deal," he says in that diplomatic, fake voice that makes my skin crawl. Even those brown eyes of his make me squirm. They're every bit as evil as his actions. "Your brother is the real culprit. You're just the wench that got roped into the crime. Kill him and you are free to go. The court will not pursue you."

Now the weapon makes sense. And it only grows heavier in my grasp. The proposition chokes me, cutting off my breath as the chain had attempted for weeks. I have an out; I can go home. My husband will be waiting for me, our son clinging to his leg. Even the thought of that image lifts my spirits. This suicide plan my brother created can be behind me.

I wonder if it's worth it. My brother is family, and there isn't much of us left. Family should come before everything else. I guess it would if my parents weren't ashamed of us.

The prince seems to be drawing impatient. "Make your choice. Or I'll make it for you."

I know what his choice will be, so I make mine. It's not an easy one to make. And I come to that conclusion faster than I would like.

I stare into my brother's dead eyes, desperate that he understands. He'll never forgive me for this; I can see it in the fear he gazes at me with. I don't expect him to ever forgive me. But he needs to understand that I am helping him. That's all that matters. I need him to know. The kingdom will never accept my decision, but my brother will when we meet again in death.

With my remaining energy, I raise the sword. My arm shakes and I fight to get it steady. When I lunge, I see my brother's eyes widen, the death in them fading slightly. Blood splatters across my arm, dark and final. The sight of it, or maybe the release of so much energy, makes my head spin. I collapse onto the unforgiving floor. The pain doesn't register. I know what they're doing to me, but it doesn't matter to my broken mind. I am lost.

With the sound of my own slow heart beat echoing in my ears, it's hard to make out who the torturous scream belongs to.

I think it's coming from me.

Comments & reviews · 3
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erilea
Review
erilea wrote a review Review · Jan 1, 2017

Hey, Noelle! Lupa here for a review! :D

1) "His fair skin and shaggy hair holds no spell over me." Here, "holds" should be "hold" since you're talking about two things at once.

2) "Any moment of fantasizing vanished when I agreed to my brother's plan." I feel like you could use a better word than "moment." Perhaps "thought" or "notion?" (Sorry about the horrible suggestions. :P )

3) "I fumble with the handle and it burns when I grasp it. Stars line my vision when I finally capture the sword with all my strength." In this section, I don't think your word choice is quite clear. Why would the sword handle burn? What's making the main character have stars in their vision--is the sword heavy? I know that writers should show and not tell, but I think a little more explanation would be nice.

Ah, this was a dark piece. I don't have any other nitpicks besides those three that I pointed out because you did so well. Although the ending was a bit gory (maybe you should rate this?), I like how much you built up to it. Nice work, Noelle, and keep writing!

XOX,
Lupa22

Noelle replied · Jan 2, 2017

My shorts are probably 98% show. I like to make you guys think :3 You actually understood completely what the burning and stars in her vision meant. She's been stuck in a cell for days in the same position with little food. Anything heavier than a feather would be too much for her muscles. And when you stand up after a while being like that, you get a bit dizzy. Reading a story is probably 25% the author directing your thoughts and 75% you coming up with your own ideas. You got everything out of this that I wanted you to :)

Could I bother you with a question? If you could tell me who she kills and what's happening to her at the end that would be awesome. Thanks so much!

erilea replied · Jan 2, 2017

To be honest, I'm not exactly who she kills or what she does at the end. I think she kills the main character's brother, but after she does kill him, the details get kind of fuzzy. Sorry! :)

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JosephHazel2 Review
JosephHazel2 wrote a review Review · Jan 1, 2017

J here for a review!
I think I understand what's going on, and it was really clear throughout. Very nice writing, really only two critiques from me. "Now the weapon makes sense." We can tell this, no need to say it in my opinion. The "it only grows heavier in my grasp" would be better alone. Two cents and all, though.
Also, "they're coming from me." is plural while "the torturous scream" is singular. I recommend changing "they're" to "it's" but either works.
I'll look into your other writing later if I'm looking for some reading to do, thanks for writing this piece!

Noelle replied · Jan 2, 2017

Thanks for catching that at the end. I've changed it. It's funny how there are more mistakes I don't catch in my shorts than in the longer pieces I write xD I guess my mind just skims over it.

Could I bother you with a question? If you could tell me who she kills and what's happening to her at the end that would be awesome :)

I think she killed the prince, and then the guards are beating her up. But I could be wrong!

Noelle replied · Jan 2, 2017

Oh thank goodness xD It did come across the right way, you're correct. Thanks!

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reneehope
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reneehope wrote a review Review · Jan 1, 2017

I for sure understand what's happening. I think this would be a really great prologue, or epilogue if you played your cards right. Maybe even a rising action? I don't know. But I really, really liked this section... it kind of reminded me of Game of Thrones but I just got finished reading "A Dance with Dragons" so right now any and all medieval timey thing sounds like Game of Thrones to me. Best of luck with wherever this is going!

Noelle replied · Jan 2, 2017

Can I bother you with a question? If you can tell me who she killed and what is happening to her at the end that would be awesome :D

I actually might add something like this into a novel I'm currently working on. Who knows. I like writing single shots like this for my shorts. They really focus on character and how a single event could change everything. Thanks for your review!

She killed the brother didn't she? And I thought she was screaming at the horror of what she had done.



you ever say spidgit finner unironically?
— FireEyes