Sew Land Men (June 4th)

So this is Ink here for another review for your poem

This poem is rather heavy-handed with the theme--that you can really see things in their true shade if you can't see it. Let me analyze this message :p So this applies specifically to love--that you can see the true color through love? So that's an interesting perspective here that's displayed. The reason, in my opinion, that love is blind is that you can't really objectively "see" whoever you love. Like I said, this is an interesting twist here!

So the first few lines are strong in imagery but I was rather confused by it and fumbled because of the structure. I suspect this leads back to something I talked about in my previous review: the flow. Sometimes, if the flow is disjointed, it can also lead to confusion--in my experience. So what I said about flow in your poem "My Holler Keen Tan" can apply to this poem as well. I also agree with the previous reviewer that putting commas in most of the lines isn't effective.

I also suggest experimenting with the imagery there. To me, it feels like it can be molded into a stronger metaphor that wraps around the piece. The glasses can make everything seem crystal-clear--but is that a good thing to see everything,even the flaws? So I'm guessing that that's perhaps the direction you're heading?

So I hope this helps. Like I said, feel free to ask me any questions you have , and remember to take what you find useful from the review and throw away the rest.

Hello! Makoto here to critic.

The first thing I noticed here was, of course, your title. I wasn't able to understand the meaning behind it but it was probably because I didn't know the context, which I hope to find out. I find it crucial that the title should be understandable because it vaguely shows the direction of your poem. Anyways, on to the poem itself.

I easily noticed that almost each line ended with a comma. From what I learned, not every line should be punctuated. In my opinion, punctuation marks should be treated as words, too. Only add them when you think it would make sense, because for example, on your first three lines:

"From thin to thick,
Varying in width and height,
Glasses they cater,"

I think removing the commas would still result to the same effect. Meanwhile on the lines:

"To that lacking in eyesight that shows beauty and color,"

"Can only be seen by the blind,"

"We should see the unseen,"

I felt it would be better if replaced with a period or a semicolon, since the lines after give different ideas.

Another thing I noticed, a lot of times the structure felt awkward. It was hard to know which lines were expressing the same idea. Some consecutive lines felt better together such as:

"Glasses they cater,
Like food in a buffet,"

and

"True color as I believe,
Can only be seen by the blind,"

By separating the lines, it felt more confusing.

Here I will give an analysis on each part of the poem:

"From thin to thick,
Varying in width and height,
Glasses they cater,
Like food in a buffet,
To that lacking in eyesight that shows beauty and color,"

I think the words you used were good and easily meant how glasses appear. However, I felt that this part lacked an idea. I understood that glasses were the subject but I felt the point was missing. I suggest you should edit these lines.

"True color as I believe,
Can only be seen by the blind,
To learn to appreciate what you have none of,
The advantage of that of the unseeing,
That is what we should truly see,
Like expecting the unexpected,
We should see the unseen,"

The start of this part felt like there was a huge gap between the previous part's last line but it might be because of how I understood the previous part. Anyways, I liked what you meant here that blind people see things better. That might have been the main message of your poem. I hoped you would expound on this more because I felt it could have been more powerful.

"And with that,
Truly,
Love is blind."

First, I would like to point that "Love is blind" is a very common sentence and so using it might not give the strong message you intended. Second, I find these last lines confusing. Before you were talking about how the blind sees true colors but what you conclude here is that love is blind. The previous lines felt like they lacked the ideas and arguments you needed to make this conclusion. I understand the relation but I think it was too vague in this poem for it to be concluded. Maybe, as I said previously, expounding the main idea may lead here if you still choose this as your conclusion.

And there you have it! Please remember these are only my opinions and I'd appreciate if you choose to follow them or not. Keep writing, love writing. See ya!