Young Writers Society

Home » Literary works » Poetry » General

12+

An Ten (June 8th)

by NathanRaux


22, 24, 26,

The dearest ages I oh so love.

My sisters,

Closest to my heart.

With them I feel,

Like the sun is near me.

Warmth not heat,

Energy is around meSecurity is a sense they give me.

With their help,

My wisdom is true.

Forever shall I be with them,

In many ways than one,

Because already,

I have won.

My sisters are,

My trophy, my life,

No medal can match their worth,

And that is fact,

So is my love for them.

In life they are my trophy,

Always with me,

A prized possession held closely.

With the dearest of remorse,

With the strongest of trust,

With the most powerful of love,

I see the.

They can bark like a dog,

Hiss like a snake, and scratch like a cat,

But like those animals,

They care for their young.

Light to darkness,

Heat to cold,

Food for hunger,

Water for thirst,

My wants and needs,

Do not outweigh them,

They are heavier as ever,

To my measuring of forever.


Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.







Is this a review?


  

Comments



User avatar
1080 Reviews


Points: 125
Reviews: 1080

Donate
Sun Jun 25, 2017 1:24 am
Kaylaa wrote a review...



This is Nikayla here dropping in for a review!

The first aspect that I noticed about this poem that I noticed is that the beginning of each line is capitalized. I'm not saying that this is something that you're not allowed to do in poetry, because it's a stylistic choice that is yours to make, though I'm not sure if I enjoy it. This is especially because there are no stanzas and in this format, I find it harder to read. I see that you're newer to the site so I thought I might explain how to create stanzas, since the Publishing Center can easily ruin the formatting of a poem that goes through it.

One way is to line up a stanza and then after each line or wherever you want the line break to be, press shift+enter to make stanzas. If that's too vague, then you can use a dash or another symbol such as '~' to break them up, since I think stanzas would be beneficial in this poem. I'm mainly wondering why you capitalize each line since there doesn't seem to be a purpose. Is it for a reason as simple as the aesthetic or look of the poem or is it more complicated than that?

Any answer or explanation is fine, though I'd like to have one. So I can see this poem is based around family for the most part, and more specifically, the sisters of the speaker. I can only assume that this speaker is you, though it doesn't have to be for the poem to be valid. I enjoy the part of the poem that compares sisters to snakes and cats but then shows them in a more caring manner and breaks the stereotypes that those types of animals are automatically mean.

Something else I wanted to touch upon with this poem is that it could use some form or structure to it. Some shape. It's something that can be done with polishing and another revision, though right now some parts of this poem feel either a little unnecessary or not as strong compared to other parts, or not as cohesive as the rest. The theme is pretty straightforward here with the sisters being the center of the poem and it's a pretty sweet poem, so I like that.

It's a little overdone at points, though it works. More of a usage of poetic devices is what I'm going to ask for here because the poem is straightforward and doesn't leave a whole lot for the reader to explore. Use similes and metaphors or other forms of figurative language to help convey this emotion that's felt about the speaker's sisters. Other than what I've described here, this is pretty solid even though not everyone will relate to this, of course.

If you have any questions, don't be afraid to ask! I hope I helped and have a great day.

Image




NathanRaux says...


Thanks Kayla! I was just taught by my teacher in this way and I guess I just started making poems this way. I write poems continuously so I never do stanzas, probably bad so I'll definitely be changing on that.



User avatar
12 Reviews


Points: 178
Reviews: 12

Donate
Thu Jun 22, 2017 7:08 am
sabrinaz547 wrote a review...



Hi, there! Sab here to leave a review. I'll go through it as follows!

LIKED:
I liked this poem mostly because you can truly feel the love you have for your sisters. The meaning radiated off my screen! It was interesting how you said they're warmth but not heat. That line in itself was profound and quite beautiful I think. I really adore the layout of the poem too. It flows well and the use of short, concise lines capture the essence of what you seemed to be conveying, I think. I thought it was interesting, too, how you used the comparison of animal-esque tendencies to those relative to your sisters. Clever!

CONSTRUCTIVE CRITICISM:
One thing I really noticed, and this may very well just be me, that although beautiful, your poem had a tendency to view your sisters as objects than actual people. I understand the analogy by comparing your sisters to trophies because they're prized and such, but, referring to them as "possessions" seems to demean them rather than praise them as you're doing the rest of the poem. My only suggestion to maybe reverse that so it doesn't seem like they're trophies would maybe be to use an analogy that doesn't make it seem like they're something to be won or possessed.

All in all, I think this poem is a beautiful description of the love one can have for their sister. It's elaborate yet concise, simple yet effective. I can't wait to read more of what you have! Great work. :)




NathanRaux says...


I'll work on the possessions part. Thanks for the review!



User avatar
55 Reviews


Points: 4517
Reviews: 55

Donate
Sun Jun 18, 2017 11:01 am
DarshayataDeka says...



Wow...this poem says it all! The language is so clear and simple and yes, very true. I feel the same about my sisters, who, unfortunately, are cousins instead of siblings. Anyways, this poem is simply awesome! The lines "But like those animals/They care for their young." touched my heart. Keep up the good work!




NathanRaux says...


Thanks bruh! I notice a lot of people like the animal thing.




"Perhaps it is better to wake up after all, even to suffer, rather than to remain a dupe to illusions all one's life."
— Kate Chopin, The Awakening