Warning: This work has been rated 16+ for violence.
Fun, intoxication, partying, dancing, yeah
Dark, alone, bed-ridden, sad, depressed,
At the club, It's 12 pm,
Phone on my hand, looking at my feed,
With my friends at the bar,
Ordering drinks to soften up,
Scrolling down, the screen's so bright,
Commenting 'lol', but it never feels right,
Drink, drink at the bar, unending thirst
Take another shot, get another order,
Never gonna stop, because I know it's
Fun,
Where is my fun? Always alone, at day and night,
Crying till my pillow's all soaked,
So lonely, hungry all the time,
Laughing with my buddies,
Eating all the snacks, fries, chips
Jokes galore! Giggle, snicker and my loud laugh,
Sob, sniffle, a drama festival,
Why should I live? Why should I breath?
I should just die, be killed
Smile, kiss, make out let's have fun, fun, fun
The fun in life is always gone,
Beer in hand,
Knife in hand,
All goes to the body,
But in different ways they go,
Mouth,
Wrists or neck,
Live my life! Laugh and smile,
Die, kill myself, don't need to see the sunrise,
More days to come, for me to have fun,
More days to come, for me to cry,
So might as well live my life,
So might as well die,
Fun,
Fun,
I love fun,
Where is the fun?
I’m full of happiness,
I’m joy deprived.
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125,020 Literary Works • 672,733 Reviews
Hi, I'm here to share a review with you in honor of Review Day!
you put the line break at a very odd point. This happens a few other times too, and I'm not sure how I feel about it. On one hand choppiness is normally not great in poetry, on the other hand maybe this helps communicate the dizzy almost drunk feeling of the poem.So we have a lot going on here, I think the first few lines feel a bit stilted due to their list formatting, but I feel like that also goes with the sort of dizzy vibe this poem is portraying. The only part I would change for that first line, is taking out the "yeah" -- it makes it sound sort of child-like and maybe as if this piece is intended to be a song rather than a read poem.
A small grammatical note: I think you mean "phone in hand" rather than "phone on hand".
I'll also say that for me a lot of the lines felt choppy, because of the uneven lengths of the lines and word endings. For instance in this line
As this poem goes on, the party-happy feel is replaced with a darker depressed tone, and I think it's an unexpected turn, especially with the bitter repetition of the word "Fun". Those last two lines are quite poignant "I'm full of happiness, // I'm joy deprived".
Overall you did great on meaning and repetition, but you might want to take another look at overall flow/formatting (if you're going to give this dizzy/drunk vibe maybe mess with white-space a bit too?) and also you could work a bit on more figurative language. You cover a good amount of aspects of the "party-life-style" but I'd love to see a bit of figurative language thrown in there as well.
This was an interesting and unexpected poem, and I enjoyed reading it!
Best,
~alliyah
This Review is brought to you by Team Cardinals! Happy Review Day!!
I forgot to italicize :O
Hey there! Shey here for a good 'ol review!
I wanna start this off by saying I really enjoyed this poem. As always, I might be a little harsh with my review, but keep in mind while reading it that I actually thoroughly enjoyed it.
First, I want to comment on the theme. It's an overused theme. That isn't to say the poem was bad, or unoriginal, because it was definitely neither of those things. It's just that the topic - being alone, having no one to be with, alcohol reappearing several times - is all very common, nowadays especially. Keep that in mind for future works, because poems with unique topics are always more interesting to read. (Once again, keep in mind that I still adore the poem)
My next comment is on feeling. Poetry is essentially simplified storytelling, storytelling without as many words. To make the reader feel what the narrator feel requires much skill, because you're limited on words. However, seeing as I honestly felt what the narrator felt, every one of his/her emotions, I can say you have a great grasp on that concept. Which is a great thing! Bravo!
My last comment is formatting. Something you should know about me... I have an obsession with stanzas. If I look at a poem and see a chunk of words without splits, my first comment would be formatting. It may sound silly, and it is, but I think that stanzas automatically make a poem better. If you're having trouble with formatting in the publishing center, then consider checking out this.
That's all I've got! Overall, great poem. I really enjoyed it! Keep up the great work, and I look forward to seeing more from you!
Thanks! I'll be checking on your hyperlink later on this week.
Cool! Have fun!
Hey there! Akelia here for a review!
Wow...just....wow. There are so many things about this poem I love...oh boy where to begin. Before I start the review, let me just say, this is amazing. I love it, and a whole bunch of different aspects about it, which I will explain in just a minute. So in my reviews, I like to do a thing called sour and sweet. Basically, I give you Sours, which are things you can improve on, and sweets which are things I really liked and what you did well. We'll do the sours first to get them over with. Let's get started.
Sours:
1. Being a poem, it didn't really rhyme much. Although a poem doesn't exactly need to rhyme, I feel in this case it might help tremendously if it did. Although there were some spots I noticed like the line "Sob, sniffle, a drama festival" where "sniffle" and "festival" do go together. It just helps the flow a lot.
2. It's not really much, but in the line "Why should I live? Why should I breath?", breath is spelled breathe with an e in this context. Not much reason to be fussy, but you know.
Whew, those are over. Now onto the sweets!
1. The double vision. This was amazing in this poem, and I really enjoyed it. For some reason, I almost thought of DC Superhero's or whatever, where they are smiling on one side, but crying on the other. Don't ask me why. But in this poem, you really showed how people can act happy and great in life, but on the inside, they are a torn up mess. Good job on the differences between the two, and mixing them together!
2. THE MOOD. I loved how you were able to mix two different moods together so well. The happy and all good lifestyle, mixed with the messed up suicidal. Being complete opposites would make it hard to write, but you absolutely nailed it! Amazing!
Alright, I'm done. Good job in this poem! I did really good. Remember, never stop writing.
-Akelia
I did mess up the post by forgetting to italicize the different part. Silly me