Young Writers Society

Hey, MrMuddyPig!

Here for another review, with the same red alert as before.

Spoiler! :

#004000 ">
Hmm. I liked this chapter a bit better, but it's still super short. I just really want to see more detail in your writing. This feels bland. We gotta throw in some spices! A little bit of paprika here, some clover over there, and boom, you got yourself a pretty good descriptive story. So my connection to "spices", is more meant to be like adjectives, a bit more of what's going on. Do the other runners seem to be falling back? Does anyone seem to have gotten injured? Are they people in the stands watching the race? Is the coach watchin the runner like a hawk, maybe watching out for foul play? These are all things as a reader that I may want to know, and things that you as a writer can add to spice up your story. I like the plot twist you've introduced! It makes me really wonder about Luke.

Spoiler! :

#FF0000 "> I'm still not seeing much character development, but there is a bit more. Just make sure to flesh out your characters so they're not just names on a page.

Spoiler! :

#000080 "> Ok. So I know that last time I pointed out the mistakes and corrected them, but I felt like a rude old teacher with the dreaded red pen. So I decided you give you advice for catching those mistakes on your own.
1. Read your story out loud. It may seems silly, but it really does help you catch those mistakes. Do this at least twice before publishing your work. (I read my work to my mom, )
2. Have a close friend or family member read over your work. They'll help catch mistakes that you didn't notice. You can have multiple or just one person read over your work before publishing.
3. You can cheat and put your work on Microsoft Word, and use the Spelling and Grammar check. It will catch most of your mistakes.

This chapter was still confusing and some of the sentences I didn't really know what corrections to give because I was so mixed up reading them so I'll just tell you what they are and ask that you read back over it and see if you can find it. I'm also confused as to whether this story is past or present tense because it says the depended but then you use some present tense words so just try to make it clearer for the reader.

In the second part of the first sentence the way you wrote it doesn't make sense right now.

Maybe instead of writing "they will probably have fun..." write something like "they probably have fun..."

And then the next sentence should be "but, that's not the case for me right now..." or something like that. The one you have right now doesn't exactly flow.

At the end of the first paragraph don't running the run. Maybe instead of the second run write race. What kind of race is it? Is it his fastest race? Maybe the longest race? Give a little bit more information.

leg should be plural

That's it for now because I don't know how to correct some of the other sentences because I don't really understand what tense you are writing in but maybe once I know I'll know how to better help you. I hope these things are helpful to you and that I don't upset you with my honest review. Keep up the good work!

in the first sentence of paragraph 2 when you talk about your leg it should say legs instead of leg. forwards should be forward there should be no comma between forwards and ready. also when you say i bet if Luke was running today, It should be i bet if Luke were running today.

kThis is a very good chapter 2. You also did a very good job at taking somebody's advice. Firerift24 right.

This is a really going good so far ( I read the first one too). I think the only thing you did wrong in these last two "Chapters" ...... ARE GRAMMAR/SPELLING MISTAKES!
"I couldn't believe it! I was in front of everybody! Even my enemies, that i bet if Luke was running today, I would be faster!
Should be:
I couldn't believe it! I was so in front of everybody, that i bet if Luke was in the race I would have been definitely been in front of him!

Now that was just ONE of the mistakes here, It's pretty obvious what the other mistakes are, so... yea....
I think you should make these stuff like 3 to 4 paragraphs more!
This IS really good though!

Here I am!

But totally not on my case,
Totally not in my case. All these words are confusing, I know, it's so easy to get them mixed up. But don't worry about it, after you write for a while you'll be doing it right without thinking!

Well, I was in a position in which one of my leg was stretched forwards,
Leg should be a plural.

See the finsh line not far way
You need to add I at the beginning of this sentence to make it flow better.

WHAT!? That was a major plot twist and I definitely did not see it coming. I'm interested to find out why Luke is running for the other team, or why he lied and said he was sick! Nice job!