Such tracks: Chapter 3

Hey!

Eh, you know the drill by now. Red alert, blah blah, here for a review, bloobity blah. (Oh my gosh that is the most horribly incorrect sentence I've ever written...)

Spoiler

#FF0000 "> Well. There's a bit more character development, you are definitely improving!! Keep on with the improvement and soon you'll be good to go, my friend.

Spoiler

#800080 "> I don't now why I didn't mention this earlier... With the personal notes coming from you, you could (and most like should...) but A/N: before them to seperate the note from the story. A/N stands for Authors Notes

I'll say it one last time and drop it, I know I'm probably getting obnoxious by now. Just remember to capitalize your title to be "Such Tracks"

Spoiler

#000080 "> There's typos sprinkled throughout this chapter as well, but I'll let you find those with the tips I posted on the last chapter . But I will point out two things.

As I finally arrived to my house (which is three blocks away but feels like five.)

You can cut this out, as we know this information already and it just seems redundant to post it again. So merge the beginning I didn't cut out with the next sentence, but leave the paragraph too be two sentences still so there isn't a run-on sentence. This this, perhaps:

As I finally arrived at my house, I knocked on the door and waited. Shortly after my mom came and opened the door and allowed me into the house.

"How did you in the race ,son?" My mom said. "Oh?" I said with sadness, " I got second place.", "Well that's ok," Mom said " Only one person was ahead of you, why are you so sad then?". " "Well,Mom," I sighed "There's this guy who's faster than me and I have no idea how to beat him, He's so competitive! so then my mom said, "It's ok son, just put god with you and you will succeed with every step you go." With-a-mom-you-say-too-much-face, I replied,"Ok, mom." As I took my advice, There was a knock- no, wait a doorbell ring but in our family, we never did that, so it was possibly a stranger.

You need to start a new paragraph when a new person speaks, so it looks a bit like this:

"How did you in the race, son?" My mom asked.

"Oh?" I replied with a hint of sadness filling my voice. "I got second place."

"Well that's ok," Mom said " Only one person was ahead of you, why are you so sad then?"

"Well,Mom," I sighed "There's this guy who's faster than me and I have no idea how to beat him, He's so competitive!"

"It's ok son, just put god with you and you will succeed with every step you go." Mom replied softly.

With-a-mom-you-say-too-much-face, I replied,"Ok, mom." As I took her advice, There was a knock- no, wait a doorbell ring but in our family, we never did that, so it was possibly a stranger.

This chapter was a lot better as far as me knowing the tenses and all of that. There were still quite a few grammar and punctuation things but not a whole lot and they are really easy fixes.

that Luke lied that he was sick... - that Luke lied about being sick...

race and that was... - race, that was supposed...

somewhere is... - somewhere else...

anyways- anyway

on the house's door...- knocked on the door...

and then my mom opened it... - and my mom answered...

did you in the race... - did you do in the race...

There's one point in the dialogue where you forgot to put in closing quotations. It's after the word competitive.

There is another spot where you put he and I wasn't sure if it was supposed to be the last race or his last race.

This story has really been improving and I can't wait to see what you write next. Keep up the good work!

Hi ! What's up ?

I like the story so far. But, don't you think it's going too fast?

I think that you should give the reader some time between events. I also didn't understand the main character's personnality that well. It seemed like he hated Luke but he didn't blame him and he agreed fast to joining the new track team. Well, maybe he wants to get his revenge by beating him in this new team.

Other than that, in the first paragraph there is a repetition of "loves you"and "stuff" .
There is also the "just put god with you" sentence. I think I would prefer "believe in god" .

Well, that's all. Keep writing. You are improving a lot.

There's no need for introductions, so I'll get straight into the review.

I couldn't BELIEVE that Luke lied that he was sick and now he got first place in the race and that was supposed to be MINE.
I normally wouldn't like reading fully capitalised words in a novel, but now I'm going to make an exception. Your character is narrating the story, but it doesn't even seem like their talking to me. This story is beginning to sound like a diary, and whether you intended it to or not doesn't matter, I like the way you've written it. Anyway, capitalisation is exactly how someone would emphasise a word in their diary.

It was Luke.
Reading this bit, you've got me thinking that this Luke guy is such an 'annoying' idiot, and why on earth has he decided to pay a visit? I liked the way you described how no one in the family rang the doorbell, it was a nice, personal touch.

(These words have sticked to my head for my entire life.)
Stuck instead of sticked.

The only problem I have with this chapter is why anyone would make a deal with Luke, especially after he just lied and made your character very angry. Add some justification to back up his actions, and it'll be good.