My first story, expect mistakes. Pls correct me in reviews so I can learn.
Many people get tired from running too much, but not Luke. Luke is proably.. wait, cross that out, the FASTEST guy in our track team. The team heavily depended in him. Everyone likes Luke, even I admit I like him since the time he give me five dollars for like NO reason (I told my mom I earned the money after she caught me with the biggest piece of dollar in my life)
We had a race with this school team called Cloud runners, which would be no problem if it was not of luke who was sick of chicken pox. Well guess who was the second fastest guy in the track team? Me.
We were starting in 3:30 pm which is in half an hour exact. But now I was doing math homework, so yeah, question one: Jimmy bought 72 couches.. Wait WHAT?!? Who in the world would but 72 couches?!? Any ways: question 2, Jimmy realized that he's buying too much couches so he decides to buy two instead, well that's SMART but wait! What's the question asking for now? Jimmy realizes he needs two BLAH BLAH BLAH so solve this: (9(8-3)÷3×36+74÷15+65-23÷91? Well I know the answer! Nobody CARES! Well i am not going to do this now since its 3:20 pm and I got to start wearing my P.E clothes (yes my P.E clothes are also the track teams's) and starting walking to school which is just three block away but guess what? I am the second fastest guy in the track team! So it felt only like one block!(it really felt like five blocks) and made it in time.
Before you knew it I was in the tracks about to run with my entire track team depending in me. What could go wrong?
To be continued.....
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125,009 Literary Works • 672,837 Reviews
Good Morning/Afternoon/Evening/Night(whichever one it is in your part of the world),
Hi! I'm here to leave a quick review!!
First Impression: Okay...this is one of the few stories I've seen centered a lot on sports around here, and you've managed to go and do a pretty awesome job here, creating a decent amount of stakes here around all of this and making a pretty interesting chapter one. It does have a couple of issues but not too many...more details on all that down below.
Anyway let's get right to it,
Okay, well, that's a bit of an interesting point to start. The first line about running is certainly an interesting bit of dialogue to start a story from, and then going on to introduce who I assume is potentially the star of this track team and talking about how they seem to also be a nice person from what's mentioned there. Well certainly not a bad start, its not the most attention grabby, but its definitely getting the job done and it is a decent start to a story that you've got right here.
Ahh, well, that's a fun moment. When the star athlete is down and the person who's always the second at things has to step up...at least it doesn't look like there's any other ulterior things happening here, it just seems like a regular race and just an unfortunate disease that's putting this protagonist here in the spotlight. Well, its certainly a pretty exciting spot to start with....now we're getting into some stakes here for the story.
Okayy...not gonna lie, that was kind of a long tangent there, a bit too long in my opinion, you really don't want to drag on about math homework for that long. It is quite funny to see his reactions, but this isn't a story about him completing math homework, is it? So, you really wanna try and control that one a bit more there and maybe just mention it in passing rather than trying to talk of all of these little things. That aside, well, looks like there's a bit of a time crunch and off he goes to get to that...well this is about as epic a start to this as you can get, with someone almost being late. Also the joke there about the distance feeling longer than it actually is despite running fast is just very relatable as well....besides also being funny. People just seem to think distances feel shorter just cause you're fast.
Well, this is certainly a great place to end the first chapter here, leaves you in just about enough suspense there to make you really want to get to the next chapter and see how this all ends up going down. So, yeah pretty cool cliffhanger to end this story on here. I do love where this appears to be going.
Aaaaand that's it for this one.
Overall: Overall, a pretty decent little start to a story. It certainly sounds like it would make for a pretty cool story, and one that I would actually read. Aaand that's about all I've gotta say for now.
As always remember to take what you think was helpful and forget the rest.
Stay Safe
Harry
Hey, MrMuddyPig!
RED ALERT: I can be blunt at times. I'm really not trying to be mean at all, I just sometimes get carried away and forget to be kind. Just know that I'm honestly trying to be helpful.
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Spoiler
Original~
Revised Suggestion~
Notice the fixing of the spelling of "probably", and changing ".." To "..." (The ellipsis should have three periods, not 2 or over 3) Also not the changing of the two "in"'s to "on", and the added punctuation.
Original~
Revised Suggestion~
Just some basic rewording.
Original~
Revised Suggestion~
Overall, this has pretty good potential.
~Myth
Thanks for your review!
This is an interesting story but it doesn't flow very well. It doesn't have the right sentence structure to really keep a reader hooked but that is something that is very easy to fix by just switching words around in sentences or maybe taking out words.
proably- probably
heavily depended in him... - in should be on
starting in 3:30... - in should be at
depending in... - in should be on
which is in half an hour exact...- which is in exactly a half an hour...
but- buy
anyways is not a word. It's just anyway.
too much couches... - too many
if it was not of luke... - if it was not for Luke...
sick of chicken pox... - sick with chicken pox...
in the track team... - on the track team...
wearing my P.E clothes... - start getting into my P.E clothes...
and starting walking... - and start walking to school...
These are just a few that I found. I hope this is helpful to you and I will be keeping up with this story because it seems like it could go somewhere. Keep up the good work!
Thanks for your review and fixing my mistakes.
Good story line does have some line mistakes.needs more description.You need to adjust fonts for him thinking about the homework that is no longer narration.On your sentence Before you knew it I was in the tracks about to run with my entire track team counting on me you need a comma after it.You need to wright more about your character but make very brief. You need to describe more about the track and Luke.Like Luke the best runner on the team is wearing sweat pants that are soaked with sweat and a short sleeve shirt keeping him cool from the hot humidity.The tracks worn out dirt from all the feet ponding on and the white dividers destroyed from all the races.This is the life i live.A racing life. i like the book it is very meaty and has a little bit of description i think that this should be voted for and keep writing. And avery good at describing what he thinks about the homework you also have weird paragraph endings that tie to the same subject
Hey, MrMuddyPig, Dracula is here to review.
I was originally just going to review the second chapter, in the Green Room, but I thought I should read this chapter first.
Luke is proably.. wait, cross that out, the FASTEST guy in our track team. The team heavily depended in him.
It should say depended on him. The reason I used both sentences is ecause you use two different tenses. The first sentence is present tense, the next one is past tense. Reading on, I understand why you used past tense, but at the time it confused me enough that I paused for a moment. You might like to try rewording it.
which would be no problem if it was not of luke who was sick of chicken pox.
If it was not for Luke. And I'm sure that he was very sick of those spots, but it should say [/i]with chicken pox[/i] instead of [/i]of[/i].
three block away but guess what?
Just a typo, block should be a plural.
The ending was great, a real cliffhanger! I hope those few things will help you, I'll get to chapter 2 now.
Thanks for your review!
Good story line does have some line mistakes.needs more description.You need to adjust fonts for him thinking about the homework that is no longer narration.On your sentence Before you knew it I was in the tracks about to run with my entire track team counting on me you need a comma after it.You need to wright more about your character but make very brief. You need to describe more about the track and Luke.Like Luke the best runner on the team is wearing sweat pants that are soaked with sweat and a short sleeve shirt keeping him cool from the hot humidity.The tracks worn out dirt from all the feet ponding on and the white dividers destroyed from all the races.This is the life i live.A racing life. i like the book it is very meaty and has a little bit of description i think that this should be voted for and keep writing. And avery good at describing what he thinks about the homework you also have weird paragraph endings that tie to the same subject
Thanks for your comment, I will put more details next chapter!
This is a really good story. Maybe you should try to add some more details to make the story more meaty, other than that,its perfect!
Thanks!
No proplem
This is a really good story. Maybe you should try to add some more details to make the story more meaty, other than that,its perfect!
Hi !What's up ?
So the idea is no bad itself but there are some mistakes : depended on // since he gave me // at 3:30 ...
There is also the maths part which is something (sorry for the word but ... ) useless .
Well ,it's clear that you style is relying totally on actions and thoughts and there is no description : that's not something bad (it's something that I do myself ) but you can improve that .I mean give the thoughts more depth and don't put something useless or let's say out of the story or if you do for a particular reason like for the sake of telling us more about your main character , make it brief .
To sum please bear in mind that I'm no better than you and that you shouldn't take these words as if they were coming from a pro . I am learning just like and I believe that if you continue working hard you'll improve .
Best of luck !
Thanks, I just want to tell you that I think of my story as I write, that why the math part there, next chapter I will focus on the tracks.
Hi MrMuddyPig! Here is your review.
First, never ever ever use chat speak. "Pls" is not a word; it is an invitation to be put in literary quarantine.
Second, the story actually got off to a good start. Most writers screw up the first sentence; but yours actually drew me in. Then typos started showing up and things spiraled out of control after that.
Second sentence: probably instead of "proably."
Third sentence: on instead of "in."
After this, you started going into what I interpreted as a stream of consciousness. In the past, stream of consciousness writing was thought to be hip and cool; but that was before people realized how silly people were in terms of their thoughts.
The result was that the story lost all semblance of structure; and just became random. Which is a pity; because I wanted to see more about the track team, their preparations, and the importance that the race had for them. Maybe they're up against their rivals; maybe there is a pretty girl that one of the runners is desperate to impress, but we don't know.
Hopefully this review is helpful.
I am sorry with the "pls", but the "pls" was not part of the story, just a comment I wrote before the story. Thanks for your review, Next chapter , there will be less mistakes and make my story less random. Your review was helpful.