Dear Diary,
Today I smiled, but I think they seen right through it.
I tried, but failed to make eye contact. Maybe they noticed, I fear they noticed.
I don't think I can fool them any longer. God help me, they can't know.
They can't know my smile is insincere, when a giggle escapes between my lips,
it's really a cry for help. Why can't I ask for help?
It's easy to sit there and listen, but the thought of speaking frightens me,
why is that? Maybe the fear isn't that my voice will be heard above the rest,
but I might accidently ask for help. Instead of saying "I'm great," i'll say, "save me."
But they don't know what to save me from, I am alone. Alone with the thoughts,
that act as the monsters in my recurring nightmare. I run from them,
but they are always right behind me, just as they are when I am awake.
While chasing me they whisper and chant the same words they do in my head,
"you will fail, you will fall, and you will be forgotten." Is it true?
Please god don't let it be true. It repeats in my head over and over,
till the tears drown them out. "You will fail, you will fall, and you will be forgotten..."
I tell myself I may fail, and I may fall, but I will never be forgotten. I wont be forgotten, right?
though I wished I was forgotten today.
They spoke to me, asked me how I was, and I wished they hadn't.
I wished my presence was utterly unknown, unnoticed. They noticed...
Diary, I wish for a better day tomorrow.
Will you be here tomorrow?
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Canary word: Present
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125,018 Literary Works • 672,857 Reviews
Just a little mistake here, maybe? I don't know if you meant it to be that way:
Maybe a period here instead of a comma?
Lovely poem! Very full of emotion. I'm sure a lot of us have felt the same way a thousand times before.
Happy Review Day!
yubbies21
Thanks so much for the review!
Hey JC here for review day.
This is really an amazing piece!
I'm a fan of this freestyle of poetry. It's more important for us as poets, to look past punctuation and see the words. I really enjoyed reading this and I'd not change anything.
Keep writing!
-JC
I totally agree many people are to hung up on punctuation to see the words and story behind the piece.
Hello there, Buzz here to review!
Well your diary is certainly filled with anxiety and worry, which is brought out nicely here. It was fairly simple to understand. It's an interesting idea of the diary almost being personified for the author of it. However there is always room for improvements so I have a few suggestions for you, which may improve your poem further.
You have some slight grammar misplacement, but most of them have already been highlighted by the review below, so i won't repeat that. You also have some moments were the lines don't flow well together, maybe that's due to word choice and punctuation.
I'd have overall wanted to see more exaggerated emotion in this, since it's a diary emotions are more dramatic than in reality so an emotional connection needed to be created, so the reader also goes through these motions with you.
"I tried, but failed to make eye contact."
Here, would've been a good place to elaborate on, who you can't even bare to make eye contact with, what has driven you to that point?
"when a giggle escapes between my lips,
it's really a cry for help. Why can't I ask for help?"
I think you should have worded this in such a way we feel sympathy for you, that you're laughing to hide the cries you keep inside, looking for help that isn't there or something along those lines.
"Maybe the fear isn't that my voice will be heard above the rest,
but I might accidently ask for help."
*Accidentally.
I feel like this line is not really needed, or if you want to keep it change it a bit because we've already gathered that your voice being louder, isn't the reason for your fear.
"I wished my presence was utterly unknown, unnoticed."
Just a minor nit pick here but i think it would flow better, removing the utterly.
e.g. I wished my presence was unknown and unnoticed.
Overall your poem has a lot of potential, hope i was of help to you.
-Buzz
Thanks so much
Thanks so much
I don't really know much when it comes to poems but I'll do my best to review yours today! This poem was a really interesting concept but I think you could have captured a lot more emotion in it. Maybe tell a little more about how the MC is feeling. Whenever I'm writing about emotions, the Thesaurus is my best friend!
So when you said "Today I smiled, but I think they seen right through it."
The correct grammar wold be 'they saw' not 'they seen'
They can't know my smile is insencere"
Insincere.
"its really a cry for help."
It's
"Instead of saying "I'm great" i'll say, "save me.""
'Instead of saying, "i'm great," I'll say, "Save me."'
"Please god don't let it be true."
'Please god, don't let it be true.'
"I wont be forgotten, right?"
'I won't be forgotten, right?'
"though I wished I was forgotten today."
'Though I wished I was forgotten toady.'
"will you be here tomorrow?"
'Will you be here tomorrow?'
There are a lot of minor grammatical errors that could be easily fixed by rereading your writing when you're finished with it. It's a good habit to get into. Keep writing!
Thank you for the review!