It's midnight with your
wine glass still sitting at
the table where my dinner
goes cold and
the candle streams smoke
from it's pointed lips
with a note by the
glass reading
"Never again will I fall so deep
in love only to be pushed further down
without an oxygen tank to breathe."
I sit at the table
my head and
heart in my hands
and I weep for the memories,
those moments in time.
If I could got back and remember
that day in the fall
where you told me you loved me
without truly knowing me at all.
Where your smile lay hopelessly
tangled with thoughts of regret ,
mixed with days of empty silence
and angry screams.
Oh, how I wish to go back to that day in September
where your hair smelled of ginger
Can I please just remember?
In this dark dining room,
with a note and the cold
I swear
in that moment you took the best of me.
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139,359 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hello! ^^ Seb here for a review
And it think it would be great in that format too. It makes me think a little bit of Andrea Gibson.
Let me say, I really enjoyed reading this. I love the tone, the mood, the meaning. It was fantastic, and you're a fabulous poet.
I think my favorite part about this piece was how... rambling? it sounded. It was a solid stream of thought without much punctuation, without much break. If this was read out loud, it seems like it would be read with barely a pause for breath--and I like that. On a similar note, I think this would work very well as spoken word. I like it a lot
My next favorite thing? The description. You work description and intricate little details into this poem.
The description here is amazing. It's better than what a lot of authors can do with prose.
This is an emotional poem, and it seems like a very personal one. It's passionate, it's honest. I love it.
I want to do some more specific quotes, but I don't even know what parts to pick out. They're all fantastic.
I feel bad that I don't really have any constructive criticisms... If I had to make one suggestion to better this poem, it would be to remove all non-essential bits of punctuation. Maybe take out all the periods and the commas? I would leave the quotes and question marks since those are important for comprehension, but take out the rest. Also, I think this poem would be interesting if you played around with capitalization and the format (i.e. the indents). This poem would look really good uncapitalized, I think.
Anyways, this was a fantastic poem. I loved it!
Keep writing <3
Thank you! I listen to bands that do spoken word (ex: La Dispute) and I loved how poetic it sounded so I thought I'd give it a try. I'm really liking what I can do with it!
Well, I think that Crimsona pretty much covered all the grammatical nitpicks, so I'm not going to bother with that.
Now, onto content:
Oh. My. Gosh. This is amazing. It's so emotional, it almost had me in tears. If you can get readers in tears, then you have a pretty darn good poem. In fact, this is actually a really terrible review because I literally cannot find anything wrong with your poem. The description is just right, it's poetic, but not too poetic, and emotional to boot. It truly speaks of abandonment and lost love.
I really love this line, because it's just so true.
This is art. Keep writing. Please.
Great, great job.
Thank you so much! I'm so happy the words moved you!
Hello! Crim here to review your poem!
Apologies in advance, this is going to be a fairly hopeless review because after reading this poem it left me feeling so nostalgic that I sort of sat here staring at it for a good five minutes trying not to tear up.
I absolutely adore this poem, it is beautifully written and the imagery is just completely gorgeous! I can't find a single fault in it other than in this line:
'tangled with thoughts of regret ,'
And that's because there's a space before the comma after the word regret. But that's it, other than that - flawless. Which is why this is a pretty useless review because I can't even try to give advice on how to improve. Instead, I'll just say what my favourite few lines were:
'"Never again will I fall so deep
in love only to be pushed further down
without an oxygen tank to breathe."'
^ Those lines were really beautiful, concise but so wonderfully put together. I envy your poetry skills, I really do!
'Where your smile lay hopelessly
tangled with thoughts of regret ,
mixed with days of empty silence
and angry screams.'
^ And these, absolutely gorgeous.
I don't really have much more to say other than this is possibly one of my most favourite poems that I've read on this site and I really hope that you write some more soon.
Take care and keep writing (please, keep writing >.<)
Crim
Thank you! And I will keep writing until the day I die so no worried there!