With my heart and soul I scream your name, but my lungs burn as I pronounce each syllable; my tongue bleeding and pleading for me to cease but I scream on because the name needs to be ingrained and etched into my body so when it's the middle of the night and I have no thoughts but my own, my whole being will gravitate to you.
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139,354 Literary Works • 672,540 Reviews
Hey it's Neverland here to review your piece!
I'd like to start off by saying that this should be in stanzas. It always reads better when it's in stanzas, just like Pinkiegirl13 said.
But over all I enjoyed it, the concept. It's a classic but I still love it, I don't think I'll ever get over it. It was written well over all, just need to put it into lines and stanzas and make sure it has the appropriate grammar.
Good luck with writing, and I hope to see more of your writing.
~Neverland.
Hello ^^ Seb here for a review.
I really love short, non-traditional poetry—like this! It strikes me as something that would resonate well as spoken-word, and I would encourage you to pursue spoken-word; if this is anything like the rest of your pieces, I think you would do really well with it.
I'm going to start with broad comments/critiques before I move onto the more specific stuff. Of course, I really enjoy the theme, the tone. It's a passionate piece, and you can hear that in your word choice. I like the format you chose to use, and I even like the fact that you chose to italicize it. It flows well except for a few places.
There are a few spots where the flow seems to be interrupted. The semi-colon does the worst damage to the flow, I think. I would recommend changing it to a comma, since semi-colon breaks are almost like periods but you have no verb in "my tongue bleeding and pleading". If you'd like to keep the semi-colon, I would suggest changing the line to be [i]"my tongue is bleeding and pleading." Proper grammar is most definitely not necessary in poetry, but I think it sounds better.
Another alternative would be to get rid of punctuation entirely, but that's just my preference for unpunctuated poetry xP Of course, that's not to say that it isn't good as is. It's actually fabulous as is, and I have no other criticisms.
I think the feelings behind this piece are something nearly everyone can relate to, so congratulations on making a poem that's so unifying ^^
Hi, Meilanimo. This is Pinkiegirl13. I like to review your poem if you don't mind.
I liked this poem. I enjoyed this poem. It remains me of my first crush. I was very desperate to be with someone that I loved until he told me that he loves me. We are dating now and I love this poem.
I really like it. However, can you do a line length? All poem supposed to have their lines in a line. Anyway, I want to read more from you.
Keep writing!
Cheers
Your reviewer, Pinkie.