THE ROAD NOT TAKEN
TABITHA JONES
Her lips, painted with a dark raspberry shade curved into a crooked smile. Her face, flushed with a heavy dosage of make-up was even stronger than the rays penetrating their way through the spotlights circling her. I could see faces all around me flashing with yellow lights. The ivory glass bottle from Versace rested on her hands steadily and she handled it with all the care she could muster in the world. I gave her a broad grin to assure her that I was there if she ever needed me, and it was a nothing more than a photo shoot for Italian Vogue. But needless to say, she didn't need a certificate announcing that we both were inseparable, I would always have to be there.
Her black smooth curls dropped down her bare shoulders and I looked down at her gown-cream coloured, embroidered with copper thread, which could very well be the peach of any one's eyes. People pressed me hard from all the sides, running in a competition of which they themselves knew nothing of. They just had one mission now-protecting Janelle from any unwanted problem that her fans could cause. Other than that also came the business of keeping this princess happy and sound. The foul smell of perspiration made its way to my nose but it was soon replaced by the sweet mumbling fragrance of the Versace bottle.
The director was talking to a tiny blonde who was holding a paper board in her small hands. The blonde’s face wasn’t visible in the dark circle formed all around it. He grumbled once, and sunk his head in his palm, only to bring it up again and give her thumbs up gesture. The blonde walked out of the gloomy studio room, turning her head again and again to see the progression of the photo shoot.
All while I had my glance stuck on Janelle's face, to read her expressions; she could anytime need my help. This edition of the Italian Vogue was going to be dedicated to the contribution of the Versace to the fashion field, and Janelle, being the global icon of Hollywood had been chosen for the ad shoot. Ideally, some Italian model or actress should have been here, sitting on the maroon settee, wearing a gorgeous dress for which women could kill anybody. But that was Janelle's popularity; even Italians wanted her.
This had to be my dream; being suffocated by the presence of bodyguards, of an eminent director, and assistants who had the mere job of taking care of my needs and comfort. I wanted to be hounded by the lunatic fans, struggling to get anything of me, even a strand of hair. But fate had something else in store for me maybe; I had to be her assistant, her manager. Maybe calling me her servant would be better stated.
The photographer, Louie, dressed up in loose cigarette coloured cargo pants and an intolerable shade of green pointed his camera at Janelle, now seated on a leather settee. She brought her eyelids closer and eyed the screen with a confidence that was unique to her. The sound of a click was the next thing to be heard in the sudden quite room, later to be beamed with the chattering of people again. A moment later when the photographer had checked the image on his monitor, the room again became silent and then followed another click. I had lost the count of the number of times the same thing had played over before Louie gave a green signal.
****
She pulled out the black wig she had been sporting for the photo shoot and scratched her head which was covered with blonde flake- like hair. Her heels clanked against floor as she made her way to the green room followed by me. A young girl, maybe in her teens stood right outside the door, and opened it for Janelle who walked in without even recognizing the presence of the girl. I was about to step in when I felt currents splashing all across my right thigh, as I realized that it was my phone vibrating. Without any other thoughts, I instantly extracted it from my pocket and attended to the call.
"Hey!" Peter's gleeful voice echoed in my ears for more than I can recollect. His sweet husky voice made my heart vibrate faster than the speed of the light.
"Peter, hi" I replied, my voice just a whisper.
"So, where are you?" He asked.
"Where do you think?" I asked, the sudden sour remembrance of Janelle creating a dark, murky shadow in front of my eyes.
Before he said anything, there was the sound of his clearing his throat, obviously an unsuccessful attempt of controlling laughter. "Are you coming tonight?"
"Yeah. But..."
"But? I won't let you miss on this dinner because of that witch." The utter frustration in his voice spoke of the unconditional love he had in store for me. I could instantly tell why I said yes when he had proposed.
"Peter! She's my friend," I tried to bring down his anger meter.
"Yeah, a friend. A kinda which treats you like her toy." He replied back with glass like sharpness in her voice. I couldn't argue with him on that; she did treat me like her servant more than a friend, but I knew in my heart that she couldn't live without me by her side for even a day. I was indeed her manager, her friend, her enemy...All composed into one. I was not there for fun, I wanted my ticket to Hollywood. But it's not mean like her mission-to remind me of my failure.
"See you, then, baby. Don't be angry, okay?"I told him, with my sweet chocolate like voice reaching out to him.
"Fine, just for you. But once we're married, you won't even see her face." Before listening anything further he hung on the phone and left me with an answer in my mouth urging to come out. I couldn't do what he wanted me to; I had to work for her even after the marriage just because...
***
I tiptoed silently inside her greenroom, so as not to disturb princess Janelle.
The room was too flashy, showing off the lucid taste of the interior designer. The red shade was more than my eyes could bare and on first time seeing it my eyes instantly closed. But when I opened them once again, the room looked bit more neat as if somebody had toned the red shade down. The same girl, dressed up in the tabbard, now stood near Jane and placed cucumber slices on her eyes. Jane's back rested comfortably at the leather chair, and she didn't know at first that there was someone other than her and the girl. I coughed slowly just to make my presence felt, and when Jane signaled me with her hands to come closer, I gently moved forward. The girl with blue eyes looked at the slices she had been holding onto with confused looks, not knowing what exactly what to do with the remaining ones. I asked her to move out of the room, and that we were fine here. Without further ado she slipped outside the door, probably relieved to be out of Jane's wrathful company. I shuddered at the thought of that innocent girl going through Jane's selfish and crude talks.
Jane sat straight, her back erected against the leather. With the tip of her manicured finger, she took off the slices and turned her attention towards me for what seemed like the first time in the whole busy day.
"What took you so long?" She asked, chewing off to a candy kept at the table across her.
"It was Peter."
"Argh! Him again?" She looked at me with reproach.
"Yeah. So what?" I asked, keeping my hands akimbo. Quite clearly, I wanted to smack her on her face. Her words weren't that rude, but the way she delivered them to me sounded like words from the Devil itself. It seemed that she wanted to indicate that my fiancé was a piece of dirt.
"Nothing, but I think you should stop thinking about marrying losers," she chortled. What came next wasn't another insurgent anger at her or anything of that sort. But instead my heart started paining at her last words, sinking down every passing second. I felt tears gushing down my eyes and my whole face started burning with fury. But I kept quite. There was no point in wasting my energy at Janelle Bailey, the queen of Hollywood. But right after I had dropped on the idea of saying anything to her, I got an idea.
"But I'm glad I've someone, even if a loser." I shot my missile at her, the bullet landing straight at her heart. Her lips curved down inside her mouth cavity, and her eyes widened into like tennis balls.
She silently got up from her chair."Mind packing my gown while I change?"She asked. Right, Jane, do I get an option?
But to my relief I didn't have to pack her gown. The blonde from the shoot who worked at Versace had come to me and told me that the brand wanted their gown back. Earlier they had said they would give it to Jane as a deal. Sally was very sorry, and she asked me to try sooth Jane. I couldn't promise her any results, but surely I could try.
"Hmm, I think we have a problem, Jane." I replied, making her turn towards me.
"What do you mean?" She said, all her earlier pain vaporised in a second to be replaced by anger.
"They want it back." She tried to comprehend my alien words. "Versace. They want it back."
"Why? We had a deal," she said.
"Yeah, but they just realized that its their best design ."
"How lame!" she exclaimed. Her words were sober then, but I knew that she was going to get weird anytime. "But this isn't right. We had a deal." She inhaled a couple of breaths before beginning again, "What should I do?" she asked, her voice filled with anger.
"Huh?" Puzzle crossed over my face.
"I mean, they've broken their deal, I have to avenge them," she said, her hands rolled around her waist. My fists curled up in a ball. Do you have all the rights in the world, Jane?
"Nothing. Change. Give the dress to me so I could give it to Sally."
Millions of expressions crossed her visage in that millisecond when she first hesitated over my idea and fidgeted with the hem of her gown. But afterwards there was a flicker of smile and she turned around.
"Where do you think you're going, Jane?" I asked her gently, because I knew that going harsh with her could give some unwanted results.
"Changing, puppy. Are you suffering from amnesia? Didn't you ask me to do this just now?" This was something coming straight from Pluto or Mars or any world which we weren't familiar to. She was listening to someone without arguing? Did I hear it right? Generally, she isn't the one giving up so easily and she wasn't the one either who could be trusted. My mind said something, my heart contradicted to it. I had no option, but to leave the room for a while. But for once I had to confide in her and believe her. That wasn't that tough. Maybe
She walked out of the green-room in her tight midrib jeans, her pink floral spaghetti and a big leather handbag swaying along with her shoulders' movement. Her face was placid, much more than my expectation. Practically she should have been fuming with anger, her world and even mine should have rattled down by now. She should have been herself till now. My mind kept on nudging me that I was just being too rigid and my mind had to sometime become flexible and think of Janelle in a more calm way, as she was when we were two little girls. Fearless.
I went close to her and wanted to seize the control of her bag, when a finger pricked me from behind. I bowed my head down to study the finger of the very person who had dared to interrupt in my FBI moment. After all I was going to check if Jane had been planning to snicker away with the gown. I had full belief in her abilities. The nails were shaped in a triangular, with the tips coloured with French white nail liquid, and the other area swept with lurid shade of pink. I turned around to be greeted by Sally, the blonde who had been fidgeting around in the photo shoot. She shot a smile at me and I grinned back, obviously knowing her very well.
"Hey Sally."
"Hey. Mind if I could have the gown back?" She asked. I looked back at Janelle who stood there with air of arrogance surrounding her and shot a glance like 'whatever' at me. Even if Sally had any thoughts of starting the conversation with her, she had ruined it all. Although I knew her heart was breaking into millions of pieces from inside, but she managed to wear the facade. But it was her fundamental right to be broken, to be furious, after all they had broken the pride of a Hollywood star, an arrogant star. I ran back to the room to take the bag in which the gown had been neatly packed. The red paper bag was kept on a glass table. I picked it up and jogged back outside where the two ladies waited silently for me. There was not even a 'hi' between both of them, just a silence which couldn't even be broken if I threw a crystal.
"Oh, thanks, Tab!" She took a sigh of relief.
"No problem," I grimaced and nudged Jane to do the same. But her face muscles didn't even move a tiny bit from their place.
"I have got to run, okay? Take care...both of you." She forced the word both with great difficulty, that I could see. I had thought that she would run away now that she had the thing she wanted, but instead she opened up the bag there itself. But I couldn't care less, right? It was her business and mine was already over, so why should have been bothered? But I should have known better. As she unzipped the bag I saw Jane's face brightening up with a smile slowly. My mind then couldn't comprehend, and it need not to. Whatever was making her grin was surely going to be out soon. Sally had the peach gown in her hand, her mouth felt open, brows closer than before, and the worse of all...she stared at both of us with bloodshot eyes through the hole the gown had. Just like the hole Alice had fallen into.
End of chapter
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140,854 Literary Works • 673,694 Reviews
Hey there!
I loved the opening line, but I'm struggling with this a little more. I think you could put a comma after "make-up" and then the second half of the sentence kind of confuses me. How is her face strong? What are these rays?
I'm a little confused. So this is taking place at a photo shoot? That makes a little more sense.
I think "smooth, black" would sound better.
"peach-coloured gown"
This sentence feels off to me. I don't think "formed" is the right word and I don't think it's in the correct tense. Maybe think about rephrasing that a little.
What is an intolerable shade of green? Also, comma after green.
This all just feels very awkward to me. No one thinks like this. You can easily say something like "I was about to go into the room when I felt my phone buzz in my pocket."
With the dialogue that follows, the reader will understand that she took it out of her pocket and answered the phone.
This feels awkward to me too. Again, people don't think this way. Maybe try something like "He sounded frustrated. I felt bad thinking about all of the wonderful plans he had in store for me that may be ruined now."
I would throw in the engaged part later.
Huh?
I took me a couple of tries to get what you're saying here. I think you could rephrase it to something like "But at least I have good intentions. She just wants to remind me of my failure". That could make it a little more clear for your reader
Yeah, I would just take out the sentence above where she says she knows why she said yes to his marriage proposal. It's not really necessary there and the reader will know down here that they're married.
This didn't make sense to me either. What does it mean that her words were "sober"? How would she "get weird"?
I'm confused again. What does the hole Alice fell into have to do with anything?
Characters:
First impression of Janelle - she's a snobby bitch.
First impression of the fiance (did he have a name? Don't remember) - he kind of annoys me. Why couldn't he work out some sort of compromise? I get that it creates drama and conflict that he doesn't like her employer but come on. Suck it up.
First impression of the narrator - I don't know. She's just sort of there. I don't feel for her at all. I don't really have a strong opinion of her.
No one else made any kind of impression on me. There were a lot of people mentioned and it was a little overwhelming because I was trying to decided who is important and who isn't. And when you don't name them and just say the blonde one in the corner or the director over there it's more difficult to differentiate them.
Plot:
So I'm guessing the conflicts are going to be the finace doesn't like Janelle and doesn't like that she works for her, but she has to work for Janelle because she's her friend even though she doesn't like Janelle and that'll cause some issues between them.
I'm not sure what the deal was with the dress at the end. Versace took it back and then they got it back with a hole in it or something? I'm not sure what's going on there.
And I'm sure Janelle is going to stir up all kinds of conflict.
Right now I'm just a little confused about what's important and what isn't.
Overall:
I think it has potential, but I think you can cut it down a lot. There is a lot of description and flowery language and it takes awhile to get to the point and it's a little distracting to me. Try to cut out some of the not as necessary things and make some of it a little more concise because right now I feel like there may be too much description.
PM me if you have questions!
-Carly
Hello there, my friend!
Here to review.
First of all, (personally speaking) I think this has improved much better than the original version. Your vocabulary here is pretty good and I could find less errors. And plus, seeing those previous reviewers above me, I don't think I need to do a line by line anymore. So here it is.
Descriptions:
Metaphorically speaking, you have pretty placed a lot of ham, cheese, pepper and olives on your pizza. Which I really this is a bad thing. I mean, what kind of customer who likes to eat an "overloaded" pizza? It might look delicious but honestly for some, it would look unappetizing. I don't want to sound rude but sometimes you need to balance out everything well and don't always depend on adjectives. Although there's nothing wrong with that, but just always remember that too much or too little is not good, okay? However, reading it as a whole, I think you've written them suitably.
Speaking of your characters, I'm starting to like Janelle. Although her personality is what almost make your readers hate her, but still she is really realistic. So, I think you should be happy for that. And about Tabitha, since this is the first chapter, I think I don't need to judge her right away. But I hope I would see more of her "bravery" here and let her stand out for the upcoming chapter because I find her somewhat weak. Her reactions and inner thoughts are what really pulled me to like her, as the main character in your story. So, just let her personality speak out more and she'll be fine.
So, let's talk about good things. Your punctuations are almost excellent, Shubhi. there are just some slight errors though, that you really need to be aware of.
For example:
You really just need spaces after the speech quotes, that's all.
Also, your verb consistency is good, you've based your tenses on past form. So there were really no interruptions about it, but hey, I think there are some phrases that are worded awkwardly, so just try to see it yourself. Also, your spellings and the structures are all pretty neat and clean. And about the plot, I like the imagery you've set in your introductory part and I like how you've managed to create a good cliffhanger.
So, when all's done and said, this is really good. I'm intrigue and all, but I just want to say that my only nitpick is your descriptions. And my problem is that if you see this review helpful. *laughs* Anyways, I thank you for the good read, Shubhi. Hope I helped and PM me for questions.
Keep writing!
Peace out,
yuri
Hey there, Shubs.
Yaaaaaaaay!!!!!!! I'm finally reviewing something of yours. You've reviewed so much of my stuff recently and I'm so happy to finally be able to return the favour. I always feel guilty otherwise. Thanks for all of the reviews you've given me, by the way, Shubhi. Anyway! Enough of me blabbering... Onto the review!
There was a little phrasing error here, so I corrected it for you.
And again.
I wasn't entirely sure what you were saying here. I edited it a bit, but I still think there's some room for you to make it clearer. I know it's a bit harder for you because English isn't your first language, but I know you can do it! xD
I've edited this in a way that I think sounds more effective. It's only a suggestion though, so you don't have to edit it like this.
I got rid of a few words here because I think that the sentence flows nicer without it.
You don't need the comma in bold here.
This phrase didn't really sound right here... maybe you could change it?
I didn't really understand what you were trying to say here xD
You don't need the comma in bold.
If that's her job, shouldn't she know what to do with the remaining ones?
xD
You don't see words, you hear them.
You're missing out quite a few spaces after dialogue
Irony from above...
You don't need the comma in bold here.
You don't need this comma in bold either.
Great ending... it makes me want to know who this Alice is... O.o
Overall
Can I just say that I'm so glad you've decided to rewrite this story again because I really did enjoy reading the original version. I was worried that you'd give up on it! I'm happy that you haven't though. As for this second version, I have to say that I prefer it to the original version, so well done for achieving that. Since reading the first chapter of the original version of this novel, your writing has improved extremely well: grammar wise, description wise, content wise, and in all of the other aspects.
This chapter was a lot different to your original first chapter, but it was definitely better. I adored how you added that cliffhanger on the ending, making us readers eager to find out who this Alice character is. I also think that your MC is a distinctive character. You're probably annoyed with me comparing her to your previous character, but I think that she is shaped out better than Olivia was because, right now, I'm thinking of her as the new Olivia. I'm not sure if she is the new Olivia, but yeah. xD Although Tabitha is distinctive, she is kind of low key at the moment. There's plenty of time for you to bring her out of her shell though, so I won't judge too harshly. I'm also liking Jane's character; she's a strong one.
My main critique is probably about Tabitha's character, actually. At times, the way she behaved didn't really seem like the way you'd originally portrayed her. Like Pink said, the fight she had with Jane seemed out of character. She'd previously been saying how she was Jane's assistant, how she was also Jane's friend, how she was clearly slightly frightened of her e.t.c. I also got the impression by the way she behaved at the beginning that Tabitha wouldn't have normally argued with Jane. I'm not going to judge too harshly because this is only the first chapter, so there's plenty of time for us readers to understand and get to know your character's better. You just need to make sure that when you do write about your characters, be careful not to stray away from the way you originally planned for them to be. You don't want to make your characters behave... well, out of character.
You had some really great descriptions in this, but I think you need to be careful. Don't get me wrong, I think you've got just the right amount of descriptions here, but you need to be careful that you don't go a bit overboard on them. You need to make sure that you balance your descriptions out with actions and other things. In this chapter, the amount of descriptions was fine, in my opinion. It's just that I can see you maybe using them a slight bit too often in future chapters after reading this, so that's something you need to watch out for. On the positive side of things though, your descriptions were lovely. You had some really effective ones in this and every one of them suited the situation well. As long as you keep them up, but be careful not to overuse them, the best part of this novel could be your descriptions, for sure.
I hope I could help you out a bit because you've helped me a lot with reviews you've given me. All that you need to do is to take into account what us reviewers have, and will, say. Look over this chapter and edit it up a bit. If you do that, this piece could be really great. You had a few grammatical errors and a few awkward phrases, but that's totally understandable. English isn't your first language, after all, although you do a good job of not showing it! Although it looks like I've given you a lot of nit-picks here, there's really nothing extreme. I was just extra observant because I wanted to give you a specific review. You're writing has certainly improved from when I last read some of it.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey and thanks to all of you for being such a great reviewers today. I was just editing this and seriously I was laughing along as I read my weird stupid mistakes. I am very careless when it comes to proof-reading. But you all helped a lot.
@Ziggie: It's not a flashback, I meant in the spoiler that I am going to start off not from where I had started before(earlier version) but before it, but its not a flashback.
@Pinky: Lol, Jane and Janelle are not different people but one spoilt, rich actress. It's my mistake that I confused you up. And I understand the descriptions went too much in deep. It's always been a weak point and I have tried to work hard on it, but I think I went too far. Right?
And to all: Peter is not the boyfriend, but fiance. There's a difference, you betcha.
I am so very thankful again. Seriously.
Hey Shrub! ;D
Umm, I don't think 'unconditional love' suits this place. Instead of that line, you could just continue with the next line.Anyway, right onto the review.
The start: Okay, it was a very I'm describing the atmosphere kind of a start, which can be good if used to your advantage. Here, my main issue is that there you are introducing people to the readers like it's a play. It's okay, but, it didn't register in my head. It lowers my expectation for the rest.
Describing the tone in a first person is awkward. Maybe you could say something like ' the sweetest I could' or something like that.
Yeah, I was wondering why. Instead of leaving us with an ominous lack of info, you could suggest it subtly. This is like, urrgh, where's the rest of the words. The ellipses don't work in your favour either.
That is an awkwardly phrased sentence. Revise this.
I would suggest scrapping the 'cute zip' bit as it is a bit confusing and I had to read it twice to understand it.
Character Development:
Jane's character, was good. You portrayed her and her words well. You could do a bit more work on Tabby. As the narrator, you could spice it up a bit, especially this being the first chapter.I didn't really care much for the director and photographer.
On the boyfriend, well, it was a typical conversation, and it seems like you put it in only to get across that there was something that bound her to work for Jane which could be tactfully inserted elsewhere. It doesn't contribute much to character development or plot.
Overall: Well, I have read the previous one, and this is much better. You're getting better at descriptions. It was a good ending and it'd be good to build on it.
Cheers,
~Lava
Hey there Shubhi,
Tanya here, a little late, but here
Well this is a definite improvement of your first part. You managed to show off Jane's personality, without telling us. She's vindictive and a princess and used to getting what she wants. That came out perfectly throug this, nicely done.
Right now, I hope to get a better sense of Tabitha's personality. Right now, she kind of fades in the background, which she must do when around Jane but because you had her in first person, we are expecting to find out a lot more about her. Please don't make her a weak-minded character who just does what she's told. And especially since I read the first part, I know what ultimately happens with Jane and Tab, unless you've changed it, which means you're going to have to clue us in to that 'side' of Tabitha's personality. Am I making sense?
This was a great chapter altogether, I really liked it and can't wait to read more
Tanya
Hey Shubs!
Aw, I'm not first
Oh, well, here to review! Thanks for the pm, by the way :3
Nitpicks
I would say, painted with 'a' dark raspberry shade, curved into a crooked smile. Also, this sentence seems a bit long. May I suggest you chop it up? I'll even give you a knife
The thing with description is, you mustn't keep the sentence going on forever. Try to part some things. Long sentences don't mean more strength, either. So, when you feel like you're dragging too much, add a period and start afresh, that way we also have time to breath, lol
I'm afraid this sentence didn't make much sense to me.
Technically, a fragrance cannot mumble. I would just omit that word, altogether.
I would reword this bit. "Wearing a gorgeous dress which could make a woman kill someone for it."
Terrible example. I know.
I think you should use whisper instead of a hiss. I read this in a negative way, do you know what I mean?
You don't need to capitalize 'he' here.
"So, where are you?" he asked.
"Can I see that?" she asked.
"I don't want to do that!" he exclaimed.
"Why don't you sit next to me?" she suggested.
Before he spoke, he cleared his throat.
You don't need to drag the action with unnecessary wording.
I think this should be 'out to him' instead of onto.
*him again. He again, sounds weird
Comma instead of period after Jane.
Overall
Shubhi, you're writing again! *Glomphuggles*
Ahem, anyway. Back to the review. So, my first impression of this was sweet. I like the deep connection your MC has with her mean chick, Janelle I mean. I could see the sweet heart of Tabby as she knows she's a pillar, a leaning pole, an item of strength yet a tiny stepping stone for Janelle and it's bittersweet, in a sense. I know I'm supposed to hate Janelle, but I can't. I mean, she's alone, her cold attitude means she has no one but Tabby and she knows it.
Even with that being said, there were parts of this which didn't exactly fit tabb's personality. Mostly the part where they fought in the room. It was kind of off-beat but I'll keep that judging for later when I know the characters a little better and all. Right now, I'm not sure what their aim is.
Anywho, I noticed some weird wording in here but you did pretty well, considering all. I think you over explained a few things and some of your sentences became a tad too wordy, if you know what I mean.
One more thing, there were parts where I didn't understand the setting. Maybe I got lost in your descriptions but I knew they were at a studio but I was unsure of where the people came from or what was really going on during the opening scene. Maybe you could clarify that for me a little? If possible :3
I apologize for the shortness of my review. My mom's calling me and I had to tell her to wait like five times already and she's this close from coming at me with a stick XD
PM me when you post the next! I'll make it up to you in the next chapter, I promise lol
Much love,
~Pink
Hello there Subhi
I thought I'd do the honours. I have not read the original version so bear with me.
So, I'll start with the problem areas or what I think needs attention.
So, you really use great descriptions in your story. I also like your writing style. However, this really did not strike me as a first chapter personally. I get the hostility between the characters and you a great job at painting it, but is it a flashback? There are very few elements that introduce the story even if it is a flashback. This sort of eliminates any suspense I'm supposed to have, and the emotion is absent, well most of it. Someone else could see it very differently though. You also need to work on your punctuation, but it's nothing major.
Good job anyway. I like the way you write, it's so explicit and precise and your grammar is pretty good.
Good luck with the rest of your story
Okay Shubs! I'm excited to read this!
Corrections and that sort of thing are in red!
The cool stuff that was epic is in purple!
My comments are in bold!
Let's get started!
Overall
This is probably going to be short, as I don't have much time left to do this xD
I definately like the re-write better. The characters seem more distinguishable, and the descriptions in this version are really good!
There were a few discriptions and such here and there that were a tad awkward or worded a bit funny. I pointed out most of them. I'd skim it over quickly a few hours after writing the chapter to see if you can find anything that sounds a bit off to you.
I can't wait for chapter 2! The bit at the end...I loved it. xD
xoxo
Ish