Finding me back-Prologue(Final edit) Please re -read

Hello! I'm here at your request! I really liked this prologue, it draws you in as soon as you begin reading it. I greatly hope you continue this! I want to know who Jemima was, and why she has become Melanie!!
I shall review this in ravishing red.

wearing my pajamas.

No more Melanie Stone and Jemima Rover would haunt the Iraq streets.I don't understand this sentence, please try revising it.

It would be more heart-breaking. No, I would have to wait for them.

...turned back at her to see how serene her face looked.

...tied in a perfect ponytail and no strand of hair was out of its place.

Well, it is better now. And everyone else has pretty much covered what I would have said.

If you like then please press the button for,LIKE'.

Thannks peanut.

Hola!

So I'm here as requested. Pardon me if I repeat what some of the other reviewers have said here. I'll write my own and then I may read what the other critics here said. If I do repeat something, then it'll just reinforce the fact that maybe that part needs editing.

On with the review! =D

A Few Nitpicks

“Melanie, stop,” I cried. I was running after her on a dark street in God knows where, wearing my pajamas. She was very frightened so she didn’t look back. She was sure that it was one of the Iraqis that were trying to kill her and I was sure that it was Melanie. How could I forget my own figure and the dress I wore on my last birthday? It had to be Melanie. How could she not recognize her own voice?

She turned back, and I could just make out that she was happy to see me here, but facial features weren't clear . After I said these words, she stopped and for that moment everything stood still. I could hear an animal’s cry as if to mark our reunion. But why were they crying? We were going to meet after nine months so why did they mourn? Maybe we weren’t going to meet. She turned to look at me though I couldn’t make out the face clearly.I could hear a horn from somewhere nearby.I saw something bright flash into my eyes and Mel's too, disrupting our meet.

I didn't think about anything else or they didn't give a chance and I began running to a place which I also didn't know where was.

I had trifled the last chance I had got.

I woke up from this nightmare which formed a very much part of my existence now, since they had left.

Since you've gotten a lot of comments, I'm just going to clarify this point here:

shubhiloves2write wrote:Thanks for reviewing my work and I will work on the characters.
@Demeter:

The dialogue sounds a bit stiff in many places. When putting words into your characters' mouths, think of whether you could say the line in an ordinary conversation, or whether someone else could. In short, just try saying it out loud, figuring if it sounds realistic. For example, how many people do actually add "Mom" in their sentence every time they're talking to their mother?

Many of us say, 'mom' while talking to our mother. Sorry couldn't agree on this with you.

“Yes mom. I just came down to drink water. Why are you awake?” I inquired when I saw Mel’s mom dressed in her pink nightgown standing right next to the kitchen entrance.

“Actually I have a project to complete so was up to complete it. You know how stressed I am these days,” she said and looked at me carefully. There was no sweat now only tension which couldn’t be hidden from her, I turned to the other side so she could know that her inspection was irritating me."Had that dream again?” she guessed.

“No mom,” I lied.

“Don’t lie to me .I heard the voice of something you broke,” she was angry.

So she had heard this and was also lying to me. She was coming upstairs to see me .I turned back at her to see that how serene her face looked.

“I was just taking my medicines, mom,” I said. By now I had practiced a lot to call Mel’s mom mine.

Thanks. Will definitely go through it.

Hey there! Tis WD, as requested! As has been mentioned, you have an interesting idea here... but, also, as has been said, it is confusing right now. The Melanie/Jemima confusion is fascinating. But I feel it could be conveyed with less surrounding confusion in a less convoluted prologue. Right now, as a reader, I am confused about many things. I know where the setting is, but I have very little feel for it. I feel like if you ground the reader more in the setting and give us a better feeling for what is going on, this will be more engaging. Right now it's too much ambiguity to chew for a prologue. Ambiguity in the form of foreshadowing is great for prologues; ambiguity regarding action, relationships and setting tends to put off readers, in my opinion.

So, a few suggestions on how to achieve this:

1. Make the dream read like a dream

The dream she has feels like a memory right now; it's written in such a way that I had no idea the first two paragraphs were a dream until she woke up from it. This can be nice sometimes when the dream is concrete, but right now the dream is so ambiguous that is sounds like the narrative voice is leaping from scene to scene and trying to confuse us rather than introducing the story with a recurring dream. Putting the dream in italics may help with this. Giving it more dreamy qualities may also help. Think about the dreams that you have and incorporate some of those qualities into the dream.

2. Ground us in the setting

When she wakes up from the dream, ground us. Right now the dream and the real world mesh in such a way that is confusing, because neither of them have well-developed settings. For dreams, this is all right. For the real world, the reader needs to be able to distinguish and get a feeling for the atmosphere and setting. This doesn't mean you have to go into great detail about the appearance of her room, but a few details and hints at the current situation and atmosphere would help the reader realize he or she is, in fact, in reality now.

3. More character

I commend you: your narrative voice is pretty strong! You have that going for you, but, when your character goes downstairs, the reader gets very little feel for her physical reaction to the dream, her emotional instability/stability, the way she moves and talks and her body language, the quirks about her that make her who she is. Try to develop her more strongly in reality and the reader will have more to latch onto and relate to. Right now she just seems a little too distant to engage the reader fully. Try cutting down on some of her internal monologue and using more body language. Give the reader some solid ground to stand on, or the reader might fall through and lose interest.

I know, these are some pretty big picture things, but I think these issues need to be ironed out. As has been said, spellchecking and grammar are vital here, so make sure you proofread. Also, try reading your work aloud. There were some awkward sentences here that you could probably catch if you read it aloud. You have a pretty decent start; just experiment with those things and try to engage your reader without losing them. Make sense? Keep writing! If you have any questions, feel free to PM me!

Thanks Valentine. But I think that people do co-relate their real life relationships in their dream. This dream was just a way to bring out her feelings and fears to the readers. Sorry, couldn't agree on this.
Thanks by the way. I will edit it and you can try it read later.

Hey-Here as requested.

The first thing I noticed was that it was thick. That sounds weird, but while i was reading it, it felt like i was trying to walk through a foot of mud. Try to thin it out more. Don't change anything, but huge paragraphs can be tough to get through if they're boring.

There are punctuation errors, which I'm not going to point out, but if read it out aloud, you can find those and change the awkward sentences. Make sure not to use the same word twice in sentences near each other. I noticed one of those:

Actually I have a project to complete so was up to complete it.

Actually, I have a project to do, so I was up to finish it.

“Melanie, it's me, Jemima." I shouted to make myself audible against the howling winds. She turned back, and I could just make out that she was happy to see me here, but facial features weren't clear . After I said these words, she stopped and for that moment everything stood still. I could hear an animal’s cry as if to mark our reunion. But why were they crying? We were going to meet after nine months so why did they mourn? Maybe we weren’t going to meet. She turned to look at me though I couldn’t make out the face clearly.I could hear a horn from somewhere nearby.I saw something bright flash into my eyes and Mel's too, disrupting our meet. The next thing I knew was that she was shot dead by the soldiers while I stood there watching them do this. I didn't think about anything else or they didn't give a chance and I began running to a place which I also didn't know where was. I had proved that I was such a coward. She was gone. I was gone. Forever and ever. I started evaporating and in the next moment I wasn't there anymore. She died. I died. I had trifled the last chance I had got. The howls of the birds were the only living thing present on the silent, dark road. That was the end. It was the end of the story that had started nine months ago. No more Melanie Stone and Jemima Rover would haunt the Iraq streets.

Thanks for reviewing my work and I will work on the characters.
@Demeter:

The dialogue sounds a bit stiff in many places. When putting words into your characters' mouths, think of whether you could say the line in an ordinary conversation, or whether someone else could. In short, just try saying it out loud, figuring if it sounds realistic. For example, how many people do actually add "Mom" in their sentence every time they're talking to their mother?

Hey, Shubhi! Here as requested. =)

The idea you had here (mainly the Melanie/Jemima confusion) seems fairly interesting and something that would be fun to read when executed well. So far, however, I was mostly confused about everything else. For example, I had a very hard time following especially the first two paragraphs. I think it's mainly because the fact that the Melanie/Jemima thing gets more screen time toward the ending of the prologue. It would be great if you found a way to introduce the double personality thing (in search of a better word) with keeping the suspense and making the reader want to know more without making them confused.

The dialogue sounds a bit stiff in many places. When putting words into your characters' mouths, think of whether you could say the line in an ordinary conversation, or whether someone else could. In short, just try saying it out loud, figuring if it sounds realistic. For example, how many people do actually add "Mom" in their sentence every time they're talking to their mother?

Also, never ignore the meaning of proofreading and spellcheck. I won't go into further detail now as I'm in a bit of a hurry and since a lot of it seems to be already covered alright. However, feel free to PM me if you would like opinions about some particular thing, for example. Hope this helped!


Demeter
x

Thanks Taimur. I will surely go through it.

well, the idea began well but it could have been further developed and emphasized....apart from the grammatical errors which were not serious in the first place, develop ur story line...sentences like "I had to fight a lot with destiny now." appear to haphazard and blunt...remove such as this one......

i dont need point...jus review ma own sotry "the piper of palestine"

cheers taimur

Thanks to all who reviewed my work.I will soon be going through all the errors and edit them. I will PM when done.

I was a little bit confused at the beginning, but I finally realized that "Melanie" is Jemima. Good writing. Really good plot!

Hey, Dreamy here, as promised. Alright, I agree with Lydia. This needs some proof-reading. You have tons of errors that can easily be caught. Here we go, my corrections in red, asterisk meaning I took something out:

“Melanie, stop,” I cried. I was running after her on a dark street in God knows where, wearing my pajamas. She was very frightened so she didn’t look back. She was sure that it was one of the Iraqis that were trying to kill her and I was sure that it was Melanie. How could I forget my own figure and the dress I wore on my last birthday? It had to be Melanie. How could she not recognize her own voice?

“Melanie, it's me, Jemima." I shouted to make myself audible against the howling winds. She turned back, and I could just make out that she was happy to see me here, but facial features weren't clear . After I said these words, she stopped and for that moment everything stood still. I could hear an animal’s cry as if to mark our reunion. But why were they crying? We were going to meet after nine months so why did they mourn? Maybe we weren’t going to meet. She turned to look at me though I couldn’t make out the face clearly.I could hear a horn's voice from somewher nearby.I saw something bright flash*into my eyes and Mel's, disrupting our meet. The next thing I knew was that she was shot dead by the soldiers while I stood there watching them do this. I didn't think about anything else or they didn't give a chance and I began running to a place which I also didn't know. I had proved that I was such a coward. She was gone. I was gone. Forever and ever. I started evaporating and in the next moment I wasn't there anymore. She died. I died. I had trifled with the last chance I had got. The howls of the birds were the only living thing present on the silent, dark road. That was the end. It was the end of the story that had started nine months ago. No more Melanie Stone and Jemima Rover would haunt the Iraq streets.

I woke up from this nightmare which was very much part of my existence now, since they had left. I was gasping for breath. Although the same nightmare had been haunting me for months, each time it scared me more than the previous time. I was sweating and panting. I looked at the clock which showed the time 05:30 PM and threw it away in disgust. Couldn’t the clock go to the last day of my life and show me with all the people I loved, from Melanie to my parents? I think dying once is easier than dying everyday with guilt stored within me. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea; what if they didn’t exist then. It would be more heart-breaking. No; I would have to wait for them. I think dying once is easier than dying everyday with guilt stored within me. The door didn’t open so I assumed that Mel’s parents were still asleep and hadn’t heard the voice. I got up from the bed and walked down to the kitchen to fetch myself some water.
“You are awake?” a female voice made me jump as I retreived a bottle from refrigerator.
“Yes mom. I just came down to drink water. Why are you awake?” I inquired when I saw Mel’s mom dressed in her pink nightgown standing right next to the kitchen entrance.
“Actually I have a project to complete so was up to complete it. You know how stressed I am these days,” she said and looked at me carefully. There was no sweat now only tension which couldn’t be hidden from her, I turned to the other side so she could know that her inspection was irritating me "Had that dream again?” she guessed.
“No mom,” I lied.
“Don’t lie to me .I heard the voice of something you broke,” she sternly said.
So she had heard this and was also lying to me. She was coming upstairs to see me .I turned back at her to see that how serene her face looked.
“I was just taking my medicines, mom,” I said. By now I had practiced a lot to call Mel’s mom mine.
“You should take them now .I’ll give those to you .Wait here,” she had a command over her voice.She went to the cabinet near the kitchen."Was Jemima again in the dream?" she called out from there.
Couldn't I tell her that I was Jemima and her daughter had gone there ? Jemima is here, Melanie is there,I shouted in my mind.We had changed souls and hadn't anyone know of this?
“Yes,” was all I could manage .Why didn’t I have the courage to go to her and say that I don’t need your help and let me be me. Maybe because I was hiding something from her and I was guilty. She brought the pills that I had to take. I gulped them with a glass of water.
“Now, you go and sleep .Don’t roam around. Try to forget Jemima. I know it's tough but you have to for your own good,” she said as her usual bright smile returned on her face. She patted me on my back and hugged me. Her grip was too tight that I couldn’t break myself free.
“Let me go,” I demanded and she released me and then smiled. I think I had been too rude to her. She just wanted to hug her own daughter. What was wrong in that? Maybe I felt so claustrophobic because she wasn’t my mom after all. She made a sad face and then walked back to her own room.

I went upstairs after taking medicine still thinking: why I ever agreed to it? Why did I ever agree to it? The pain to go there was curling up inside me. I wanted to be there with them, feel what they were feeling, listen to what they were listening. But not now. It wasn't possible now. I had to fight a lot with destiny now. The fight might have been going on between two countries: USA and Iraq but I was fighting another war. The one with destiny. If I fail now, I won't ever get other chance to fight anymore.
She wanted it, I didn’t. Or did I? Did I want to be in her shoes and see the world as Melanie? No, never, I was okay being Jemima. What if I was a little bit less popular than Melanie and no one would want to be my friend except for her and Kara? I got good grades and had a bright future so why would I want be Mel, an average. It was Melanie who insisted on this. Not me. It was her idea and she wanted it to be executed.” I am not guilty, judge." I had to get her back even if that meant going to hell.

Hello Shubi! I am here to review as requested.

Well Done with this, it was a complex subject which you handled fairly well. I loved the first paragraph it had me hooked right from the first few words. You need to make the changes that everyone else said above though. I also notice quite a few typo's and grammatical errors. They can be fixed with a quick proof read so I won't pick them out.

Characters

I am a little confused as to who is who in this at the moment though I hope it will become clearer with time. I think that you could fix this by re-wording some of your story. It was just the way it was written, it made it a little confusing.

Plot

The plot is interesting. There are a lot of twists. I didn't quite understand the dream and how she had changed into Melanie but I suppose you will add that in with time. I also think that this was a little long for a prologue. You could cut it off at the end of the second paragraph and make the next part the first chapter. It is more of a cliffhanger there and it gives us a taste of whats to come which is what a prologue is supposed to do. It works as it is but it would be more effective that way.

Overall I liked this, it needs a little proof-read and a few tweaks to the storyline. You can break it down how I have said as well if you want to.

Well Done
Keep Writing
~Lydia

shubhiloves2write wrote:So hi all,
[color=#BF00BF]
I woke up from this nightmare which formed a very much part of my existence now, since they had left. I was gasping for breath. Although the same nightmare had been haunting me for months, each time it scared me more than the previous time. I was sweating and panting. I looked at the clock which showed the time 05:30 PM and threw it away in disgust. Couldn’t the clock go to the last day of my life and show me with all the people I loved from Melanie to my parents? I think dying once is easier than dying everyday with guilt stored within me. Maybe that wasn’t a good idea; what if they didn’t exist then? It would be more heart-breaking. No; I would have to wait for them. (deleted repeating sentence) The door didn’t open so I assumed that Mel’s parents were still asleep and hadn’t heard the voice. I got up from the bed and walked down to the kitchen to fetch myself some water.
“You are awake?” a female voice made me jump as I retrieved a bottle from refrigerator.
“Yes mom. I just came down to drink water. Why are you awake?” I inquired when I saw Mel’s mom dressed in her pink nightgown standing right next to the kitchen entrance.
“Actually I have a project to complete so I was up to complete it. You know how stressed I am these days,” she said and looked at me carefully. There was no sweat now only tension which couldn’t be hidden from her. I turned to the other side so she could know that her inspection was irritating me "Had that dream again?” she guessed.
“You should take them now .I’ll give those to you .Wait here,” she had a command over her voice.She went to the cabinet near the kitchen.We had changed souls and hadn't anyone know of this?
“Yes,” was all I could manage

Hey Shubhi!

This is a good read. Let me just help you out with a few comments.
1.It began well. Good description. I agree with Merlin that the sudden appearance of the truck is unnatural. They would have heard it's noise or something to indicate its presence.
2.I'm a little confused as to who Mel and Jemima are. The way it's written makes it confusing.
3.

“Yes mom. I just came down to drink water.

USA and Iraq but I was fighting another war.

This was interesting. I found a few grammatical errors and some words missing so just re-read your story and you will be all set on that part. I found the first paragraph hauntingly beautiful. I could picture it all in my head. So great job there. I feel that you could have described the two main characters a little more though. You showed us what was happening instead of just telling us so that was great! I really like and believe that you should continue this story. Great job!

I did notice a few grammar errors, but nothing too serious. I'll go through your first paragraph and bold bits that could be improved.

“Melanie, stop,”I cried (1). I was running (2) behind her (3) in the dark street in God knows where (4), wearing my pajamas. She was very frightened thus didn’t look back. She was sure that it was one of the Iraqis that were trying to kill her and I was sure that it was Melanie. How could I forget my own figure and the dress I wore on my last birthday? It had to be Melanie. How could she not recognise (should be "recogniZe") her own voice?

“Yes mom. I just came down to drink water. Why are you awake?” I inquired when I saw Mel’s mom dressed in her pink nightgown standing right next to the kitchen entrance.

“Actually I have a project to complete so was up to complete it. You know how stressed I am these days,” she said and looked me carefully. There was no sweat now only tension which couldn’t be hidden from her, I turned to the other side so she could know that her inspection was irritating me" Had that dream again?” she guessed.

I love this! I didn't find any grammar errors, so that's good!! I love the storyline here! It's creative and great!!! The first paragraph captivated me!