It's been deleted and thanks if you cared to open it up.....so here it is-the newly edited version. Click on the View Novel option above you.
The only reason I am saying this all is that when I posted it, it said with that flashy red color=="Your message contains too few characters."
LOL.
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137,563 Literary Works • 672,044 Reviews
Here's the next post! L-D
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NITPICKS|ADDED|CHANGED|PAY ATTENTION
>> I really don't know what this means. O_o
>> After this sentence, we read about young ladies. So I'm not so sure with what you were trying to say. But we see here that there were not many. What were not many? The ladies? But just mainly old ones? It was kind of confusing you see.
>> If I were in her place, living in a nightmare, I'd rather have the image broken and see my own self. But it seems like she likes what she's seeing?
OVERALL
I just want tell you things that went a bit weird for me: Why did she have to go back to the room as if it was part of her daily routine? When she already knows she has no idea where she was? It's just kind of weird. Was it for a jacket? She's clearly having a hangover, is she? OK, that explains her weird acts. So, you made a very good job at that. And I also like the way you spoke -- the tone. But there were just some times that I find your sentences weird. She should sound like she's from NYC, right? But never mind me. I just want to know (this ain't nitpicking anymore), is she and Rebbecca childhood friends or something? It doesn't seem like they're best friends. LOL
Anyway, I like the way you started off. With her being tipsy adding up to her confusion. Oh, poor Alicia. It's funny, girl! Keep it up! Though don't forget to edit before you post! =))
This was hilarious:
Great way to end it.
~ Jash ♥
Hey there, Shubs. It's been awhile. Oh, I love the cover! Haha...kidding.
Wait...vitamincakes? LOL
Spoiler
I'll divide this into three parts, so it'll be easier for me. (Long posts make me want to stop reviewing. HAHA)
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>> I have no idea if this is possible. But it was nice description of not being able to breathe. Was it?
Um, I just found some weird phrasing:
The first inverted sentence was a bit awkward. Maybe because it must be the least kind of sentence order that we use; bu the second one was fine, I think.
Also, I found that there were times this Alicia was speaking out too scripted. If you know what I mean:
Here it was too obvious she's trying to tell a story. It's a bit weird to read.
And, I was just a bit bothered by the introduction: the smell. And then, the fact was, she really wasn't bothered by the smell, but by the bee. Maybe introduce those smell in a later time; instead, concentrate on what woken her up. Just make the introduction strong. I guess, it's because it's the first thing people read.
Anyway, I remember one thing you told me: they were best friends. How come Alicia has no memories of her own friend's place? Hmm... was it because she was drunk? Maybe. I'll just have to read more. LOL OK, off to the next post!
Gah, never mind me. LOL
Hey Shub! Spitfire here to reivew!
Normally I would read everybody else's reviews as to not repeat what they say, but everybody wrote such long reviews that I'm just gonna point out what I see. Sorry if I'm repeating
I don't think you should put these in so many sentences, just one; "The oily smell of frying chips, the reeky smell of alcohol, mixed together, wafted into my nostrils.
What bee? I don't remember you mentioning any bee..
I don't understand what you meant by squatting again..
*hadn't tried forgetting...*
"it too was...*
This isn't quite right. it would be better to say, "How bad can this be?"
Opt for this instead; "These things are only possible in moves, which is far from what my life is."
I wouldn't use the second part. I find when you talk like that, it makes it seem like this is a speech you're giving and not a story you're telling..
*I hadn't noticed till then
*pounds
You shouldn't put these two parts in the same paragraph since the girl is saying something and then it's your MC's thoughts..
A question mark, when used in dialogue, is like a comma, so you don't use a capital letter for the she.
*On my left ...
*and to my right ...
*tell that I must look like a joke.
Okay, this entire sentence is off. "Sometimes I felt trapped in a lift, with no hope of safely making it out."
*If only I knew ...
*It
All right. Nit-picking's over.
I have to say, I agree with what most people said. Again, I don't like to repeat what other's said, so I'll make this short; we need more in depth into your character, not just her thougths here and there.
As for her being all confused, I think you got that good, that it was easy to follow.
I also agree with what Skins said about her friend saying she likes the boy; she probably would've told Rebecca already, so I'd have her say something else.
You need to watch out not to put too much information at the same time.
And that's all I can think of at the moment.. Hope I've helped
Spitfire
Hey Shubbs, I love the look of this new novel, the picture up top is really awesome.
should this be 'bloody' bee?I'll try my best to give you some advice, though I'm sure you have a great story here
Now at first I was a bit confused at the beginning. I thought the 'buzz buzz' was a start to the cliche 'alarm clock' opening sequence. But I was wrong! I'm glad you made it original. And it only took me a few seconds to realize that it was a bee that woke her up, so that's great.
For some reason, those parts sounded like Yoda in my head. I don't think people usually say things like 'my tears, they were'. It's usually 'they were my tears'. x)
I really like this part. It gives your narrator so much voice.
I like her reaction here.
You've got a very unique story here. Though I have to say your narrator's voice was confusing at times. It felt like the beginning was dragging on until the end of the chapter, when we found out she was in someone else's body. I felt just as confused as the narrator was, which i'm not so sure if it is a good thing or not.
So i think if you were to work on anything, if would be the pace and voice you set for this story. Maybe if you added a little more reaction from the main character, and not just her thoughts, it would help us to fit into her shoes better. And at times it feels like the pace needs to be slowed down, where other places seem to drag. Try finding a good pace.
Well, that's all I've got! I hope this helped, and let me know if you have any questions!
Hi Shrubs!
Thanks for the request.
I'm not going to do any nitpicks because 1) stelagineva seems to have taken care of that and 2) I don't really have the time. >.> There was a good amount of little typos and such, though, so I recommend you read through the whole thing slowly and try to find them (if stela hasn't already pointed out all of them, that is). I know it's hard to find that kind of stuff in your own work, but it's worth it.
Overall, I like this. Like Rachael said, the descriptions are great. They are unusual and poetic, but extremely effective--not only do they give a very clear image of what they are describing, but they also give the whole piece a really distinctive flavor. I haven't read any of your other writing, so I don't know if you always write like this, but it feels like it is the MC's voice that is making the writing so unusual. It has a gritty, somewhat miserable feel to it, partially because of the setting, but also because I was wondering the whole time if the MC was insane--and so was she. You got across the feeling of "something is wrong, but I don't remember enough to know what" really, really well. It's such an intriguing beginning for a novel!
That said, I do have a few issues with it. The first, and most major, issue is the MC's reactions. I know a few other people have mentioned this, but I still think it's worth discussing. I, like other reviewers, find it a little unbelievable that she would make herself at home. Taking the jacket, for example, felt unrealistic to me for a few reasons: one reason was that you've painted a really disgusting picture of this place she's found herself in. It's gross, and she is grossed out by it. Personally, if I was in a place that grossed me out, I wouldn't want to put on a jacket (or sandals!) that I found there, no matter how perfectly they fit me or how pretty they were. I would be too disgusted to let that stuff touch my skin. Another reason is that putting on a piece of clothing implies a sense of ownership. Think about it: if you put on a piece jacket, or a pair of sandals, and leave the building wearing them, you are saying, "this is mine." You are saying, "I'm not afraid to take this with me because I know that nobody will miss it if it's gone." But... how can she feel that way? Doesn't she feel uncomfortable and awkward and almost wondering if she's been kidnapped? Why, then, would she put on some random clothing? That seemed inconsistent to me.
I'm a bit confused (as stelagineva is, too) how someone would plan to kill a bee with their hand. Wouldn't you get stung? Also, did she get stung on her nose? If so, maybe you'd like to mention that a few times throughout the piece? Bee stings hurt, and though I've never gotten one on my face, I imagine that would hurt a lot more. It wouldn't be something easily forgotten about, I think. ^_~
Also, I thought the whole situation with the female roommate was a little weird. Captain.classy pointed this out, I think, and you said you'd tried to fix that, but I think you could still use to work on it a bit. The interaction didn't seem realistic to be happening between two people who supposedly knew each other--and knew each other well, I assume, if they're roommates. I was also a little frustrated with the MC for not being more persistent. I know she didn't want to disturb the two roommates, but I'd think that her confusion would overpower her wanting to be polite to them, don't you? Why doesn't she ask where she is a few more times? Why isn't she freaking out with their answers? That part felt like it just worked out a little too conveniently for you as a plot device, and it didn't feel realistic. Also, wouldn't the MC have realized that when she talked she didn't hear her own voice, but her friend's voice? Wouldn't that be some sort of clue as to what's going on?
The next part, I thought, dragged on a bit. She's walking around outside, then she started drinking (did she pass out here?) then she's walking around outside a bit more, then she finally finds the barber shop (at least I assume that's what it is). I found myself losing interest during the whole "walking around outside" chunk. Though your descriptions are quite nice, they started feeling a little repetitive and it started feeling like it was just description, without anything really happening, so it started dragging on. I suggest you either add in some small conflict there, or shorten that part a bit. Maybe make her not drink the beer? Then you could mesh the "walking around" bits from before and after the beer into one "walking around" bit, thus shortening that section. Or maybe the issue is with my attention span, not your writing. ^_~
Anyway, that was really intriguing! Though the idea (swapping places with someone else) isn't the most original thing in the world, you are definitely making it original with the voice and the unusual style. The biggest issue, I think, is with her reactions. Maybe if she felt a little more trance-like, that would help? If she felt more like she was in a dream, then she would care less about what she did, allowing her to be more rash. Then she could just go numbly through actions and not really think about their consequences. Right now, she seems a little too aware to be in a dream and a little too dreamy to be in reality, so it's hard to tell how she actually feels.
Please PM me or write on my wall if you have any questions/comments about anything I've said!
I hope this helps.
a
Hey there!
I'm here to review as requested!
I shall start off with some nitpicks
'I scrunched my nose in disgust, trying my best to block out every possible particle from entering into my nose. But my efforts were going into vain, as the smell lingered into my nose.'
What I didn’t like about your first paragraph was the excessive use of the word ‘nose’. If you read over it again you’ll notice that it meddles with the flow and can get rather annoying to read. I would suggest using a different word or perhaps rephrasing the sentence so that the word does not have to be used.
Now, for the second paragraph that reffered to her attempts at killing the bee:
Really? She was going to blindly kill a bee with her fist? I guess you can blame it on the fact that she was still sleepy and could not think rationally, but otherwise it does sound rather unbelievable.
At first, the fancy black marks on the wall opposite of me appeared to be some fancy Gothic design, but when I started noticing the uneven pattern it was designed in, a sharp shiver ran down my spine
The use of the word fancy is excessive. You used it twice, choose a different adjective to describe the black marks on the wall or the Gothic design. This is for better flow.
Jumping out of the bed, I found myself inspecting the vagueness of the situation. The last thing I could remember..... *This is awfully nit picky, but an ellipsis is usually ‘…’ as opposed to five.* was driving.
I wanted to talk to you about the use of ellipsis. Although it can be highly effective when used to create dramatic pause or for other reasons, I feel like you’ve overused the technique. Less is more. This, of course, is up to you.
Calm down. How worse this can be?< --This sentence is not grammatically correct. I’m not sure exactly what you were trying to express with it.
All these thing are possible in only movies *only in movies*
Amongst this filth. <This is not a proper sentence and does not flow nicely, take it out or revise
Some A, not some, unless you’re talking about a plural yellow coloured cup
There wasn't anything else worth mentioning, so I'd leave you with this much info info is a bit of a colloquialism and can even be described as slang. Overall though, I’d say that this whole sentence has got to go, I see no point in it, to be honest
The four walls which were so called (so called is unnecessary and grammatically incorrect in this instance) protecting me returned back (back is also unnecessary because you already said returned which makes it a double negative) my voice to me. Did I tell you that right now I was in a single big room, which led to a small entrance which looked to me like some kitchen? I guess not. (You should have. And you shouldn’t be randomly adding it like that. It’s distracting. Don’t guess. Sound sure.)
to his PSP-ing Portable Playstationing?
"Now you wanna want to, wanna is slang and it is incorrect to use it in actual writing
Kind of odd that this girl got pissed so quickly. Mood swings much? I mean, she went from friendly to bitch from hell back to calm in what? 5 minutes?
Were these teenagers somebodies people, not somebodies, that’s not a word. whom I had known?
Have you hit something? I asked you do I know you. That's it." This should be:
‘Have you hit something?’ I asked. ‘Do I know you?’ 'That’s it' is unnecessary and distracting.
Now leave before I kick you on your butt." The expression is ‘before I kick your butt’ I believe
But I just glared. I was loosing up my etiquettes. ‘I was forgetting my manners’ is gramatically correct.
Or what she doing outside me?<--- This sentence makes no sense whatsoever
Overall
Well, as you can see, I've pointed out some of the things you should correct. I would advise you to rewrite this piece using the correct grammar and phrases. Apart from that however, I think you have a good idea going on. I mean, from what I can tell it's going to be one of those body switching ordeals which is always fun to read about in my opinion.
Your MC, we don't know much about her. All we find out really is that she is NOT this person, but we don't know much about her background and about why she's so surprised to be where she is. For this reason, she is not as believable. I was expecting her to be slightly more shocked to be in a different place than where she's always been. I mean, I know I'd be full of questions and I'd be panicked, so I expect her reaction would be similar. Apart from that, you do have a sound piece, that with revision on the things that I and the users above me talked about could be great! Hit me up when you post the next chapter!
A very dreamlike tale! Upon opening this story I was instantly thrust into this girl's nightmarish situation. You really set the scene for this surreal setting well, Shub. I was reminded while reading this a bit of Kafka. It seems like this whole world is set out just for this girl. The phrase popped into my mind:
'Ever wonder if it's all for you?'
The description of sensation is rich, and full. You can really smell what she's smelling, taste what she's tasting, fear what she's fearing. That's what I found really drew me in. And your narrator has a strong personality, and she's an interesting character.
There's a few nitpicky details, mostly just spelling. But you did a very good job!
I look forward to reading more.
Ni! Ni! Ni!
andI still just can't get over you being Shrubbery. But, oh well. Time for review
One thing that caught me by surprise here was the originality of some of your descriptions. I especially liked
Another thing that I liked was the voice of the narrator. Usually, with first person, it's more or less impossible to distinguish between the narrator and the writer. But this girl had a personality of her own and it was coming through! Yay! And part of that was the originality of the descriptions. The way the narrator experiences things is infinitely more interesting than the way you, the writer, would experience it. Something to keep in mind.
I think in general, though, that this really needs to be tightened up, condense-ified, brought together. As it is right now, it's sort of spilling everywhere. Your narrator had a personality but it was pinpalling. Your descriptions were original but not necessarily cohesive. And now I went and made that sound way more drastic and awful than it is. Oops.
So, basically what's going on is this. The pace and flow of this is somewhat stop-go or rugged, and it needs to be smoothed out. The first step alone that line, I think, is for you to go through and read it out loud. Doing that alone will help you catch all those awkward sentence constructions and phrasings. If you find your tongue tripping as you're reading, or if something sounds odd, that's a good indication that something needs to be modified.
My next suggestion is back with the descriptions and voice. Go through and make sure all 'em descriptions are those of your character. Only mention the things she noticed, and only mention them how she experiences them. If she's oblivious, than you're off the hook, largely. If she doesn't notice the color of things, then forget colors. If she's huge on textures, then go into textures. And utilize the beauty of English's near-synonym-full vocabulary to find the words that precisely convey the way she sees something.
A few well-chosen words here and there are good and they give the reader a decent sense of the character's personality. But when you get everything 'in character,' than the reader is living that character's perspective. One word doesn't necessarily tell a reader much. But, with several words, a pattern begins to emerge. A pattern with depth, too.
So, yeah. Word choice. Live the narrator's language.
And, my next comments are technical things. I noticed one sentence structure in particular that is... just not exactly giving you the biggest bang for your buck.
The existential. It looks like this:
The "there was," I mean. It's called an existential because 1) 'there' doesn't technically exist and 2) it fills the place of a subject that's gone missing. And, it more or less translates into "____ exists." But, that's not important. What's important is that you should from this point onward develop a psychological aversion to using 'There was." Why? It adds two blah words that don't really mean much to your sentence. It makes the sentence clunky and slow down the pace. Sometimes you might want to slow down the pace, but that's the rare occasion and better ways exist to do that slowing of the pace.
So, develop a psychological barrier to using 'There was' in prose. Until you have a real good reason for using it, that is, in which case by all means use it. But until then, every time you catch yourself about to use that phrase, make yourself rephrase it. Instead of saying, "There was a jacket kept there" just write "A jacket was kept there." Only, that's passive voice, so maybe you could write "A jacket hung [in the closet]."
Active voice with a logical subject in the subject spot is preferable to passive or existential 9 times out of 10. Let me know if you have any questions on this stuff!
And, on one final note, sort of tying everything together, verbs are absolute goldmines for revealing the character's personality. And for making prose interesting and well-paced and gripping. That and nouns. By using verbs and nouns that are in themselves rich with flavor, you can avoid most adjectives and stuff altogether. How cool is that?
Anyway, let me know if you have any questions! You know how to reach me.
Rach
Heya, Shubs!
I've actually skimmed through this chapter before, but I never got around to reviewing it or anything. Now that you've asked for a review, I'll certainly be more than happy to review this now. As always, if you have any questions or comments about my review when I'm done, be sure to let me know.
After reading over this again, and also skimming over the reviews you've gotten, I don't think I'm going to be able to help you out much. Everything appears to have been covered. Nonetheless, I will at least try and help you to improve this even more. Overall, I like this. I think you've got the basis of a great idea here, and I recently read a novel that reminds me of this actually. You've got some nice descriptions in this chapter as always, so yay for that!
Speaking of those descriptions though, they did feel a bit heavy at times. You said that you'll clean them up a bit when you re-edit the whole thing, so I won't get into too many details on this. I'm not sure if you've already re-edited it actually, but if you have, I do think that you could edit the descriptions even more. The problem is that they're making some parts a bit confusing right now, especially for someone like me. I don't think I've ever really explained the problem with loads of descriptions, have I?
Imagine someone reading a piece, then they come to a seriously in-depth description. One of the problems could be that your reader simply becomes bored, so they lose interest and don't read on. A problem that I find happening to myself is that once the descriptions over, I can often forget some of the details of what has happened before. This makes the story feel a bit confusing overall. Because I've just read a long description that's stuck in my mind, the minor, but important plot details that I was given before are easily forgotten. I don't think I've made much sense there... but I hope you at least kind of get the idea.
The only critique I have for you that hasn't really been mentioned yet involves Rebecca. Some of the details on the whole body swap situation sounds a little... I don't know, unrealistic? You said that Rebecca's your MC's best friend. If so, how come she appears to know nothing about her? I mean, she doesn't even know where Rebecca lives. She didn't even recognise the area. It seems a bit bizarre to me really. How can Rebecca be such good friends with your MC when your MC doesn't appear to know much about her life at all.
I suppose this isn't a huge problem though. In the end, you could explain all of this in the next chapter. For example, you said that it was Rebecca's new house or something. Maybe your MC hasn't been to her new house yet, so she wouldn't recognised where she lived or anything. That could work. In the end, it's up to you what you do, but I do think you need to think about that. I hope I've made sense... Knowing me, I haven't. xD
Anyway, I liked this Shubs! With a bit more editing, I really think it could be even better.
Keep writing,
xoxo Skins
Hey guys. Thanks so much for the review. These all reviews helped me make this piece better.
@Kaka: I get your questions on Rebecca. She does come out of nowhere in this chapter, but I can't let much be guessed here since it's going to be a major thing for the story, so I guess you'll have to wait till next chapter. I have also made it much more refined in the end.
@Yuri: I am sorry for clumping in so many descriptions here, so I'd remove them in the re-write and keep it as simple as possible for you all to review. I know it can be a lot to review with these many descriptions. I have taken into your advice and showed her being all light-headed before fainting. Seriously, I was in hurry to finish with this one so I had an abrupt end, but now I've got the point.
@Tanya:Thanks for liking this piece, and the soul switching thing makes me feel good, too, so I had tried my hands on such a kind of story before, but unfortunately it turned out to be a debacle. So I'm going to give another try-hope it doesn't suck.
@Classy:As I have said before, your review was totally helpful and thanks for pointing out those small nit-picks we miss out while writing. And Captain is jealous of me? *claps* lol, but thanks. That means a lot. Also, for the easy flow, believe me, it is not easy and yeah it comes out to be shabby to me when I re-read it, so thanks for reading. I'll make the MC and the girl's situation more refined, and keep in mind what all you had to suggest. Actually, the girl is sort of dump-head and cool kinda so she isn't very sweet kinds. I'll try to make this clearer. I'll try giving out last night's information, but can't lend much since it might kill the plot. But I'll definitely add more to her thoughts.
Thanks to all again!I am going to re-write it again.
~Shrubbery
Hey there Shubsters! What's with the name change? Anyways, I'm here!
So, this was really good. You have one of those natural voices. Your words flow effortlessly, or at least that's what it seems like. Let's just say that Classy is very jealous of you. I don't have much to critique since all previous reviewers have done a fairly good job, but I do have a few plot/character things to point out to you.
She wakes up in this random place. Ooh amusing. I was quite intrigued by this concept, especially since you didn't let any inclination of what was happening show its ugly face until the last possible second. I really like this chapter, or at least the first part of it. However, the way your character acts isn't very realistic. Since she has no idea what is happening, it would be interesting to get inside your head. And while you do let us into her thoughts a bit in this, it's nothing compared to how many words you spend explaining what things looked like. And that's fine, you did a really good job at that. However, you need to focus a bit more on plot when you do your rewrite.
I'm confused about the girl and the boy. The girl goes up and tells your MC that she really likes him. Okay, shouldn't she already know that? I know that it's giving us a clue that the girl thinks your MC is someone other than who she is, but Rebecca seems to be living with this girl, therefore good friends. Good friends should know this stuff, especially because it seems like both have been friends with the boy before this incident. I'd have it be something like "We finally made out last night," or "I finally told him I liked him." Also, the girl acts a bit hostile towards your MC, even though she thinks it's Rebecca. Her personality may be that way, but people typically treat their friends and roommates well. xD
And lastly, I would love some more insight to what happened the night before. I don't think you should cover this in later chapters. What happened the night before is the cause of this unknown effect, therefore must be explained as soon as possible. When it comes to the cause of a plot, don't wait, but the effect can be explained as slowly as you want. xD But this should be incorporated into the whole 'getting inside her head' thing I said above. I want to hear the thoughts of her, and I want to hear her break down what happened. On her walk I want her to think about all that she remembers. That's, after all, what I would do in that situation, and I'm sure you would, too.
Like I said above, I really liked this. It's very well written, even though you wrote it, what, three, four days ago? And didn't edit it? Darn I really am jealous. Great job, and I can't wait to read more. You left off at the perfect point. I don't know how you do it. To sum it up: get inside her head more, explain the relationship of the friends a bit more, and tell us about what happened the night before so we can start to unravel this mystery before you do.
Keep writing,
Classy
Hey there Shubs!
Well, I'm not going to go in depth because your sister and Kaka have already done a good job of it.
They also already mentioned the parts that were confusing. Your Mc's thoughts were good and strong, I found, I could clearly hear them through this piece.
You kept us wondering throughout the whole piece, and that was good, too. It wasn't to the point where I was completely confused about what I was wondering; more like I was sharing your Mc's confusion. Which is good.
I'm intrigued by the change of body. I read a story similar to this years ago in high school and I had been excited by the concept. Good idea. Can't wait to see where you take it.
Sorry I wasn't more helpful,
Tanya
Knock! Knock! May I come in?
Well, let's just pretend you allowed me to, and so I'm here to review, Shrub!
You lack a noun before "worst" because that is a s superlative adjective that should describe something.
Perhaps it would've flowed better if you shuffled words in that phrase like this: "Yes, it was that."
That should be "things". Typo, I guess?
"I had to be hallucinating" might work better? :3
I think that should be a comma, not a period.
Should be italicized.
Delete "to his" or you can just simply say: "and went back to his PSP."
~
This piece is separated into three parts, eh? Not that I'm saying about the length, it's okay. Maybe your descriptions has taken all over the piece, Shrubs. Honestly speaking, I feel a little bit bored at the middle part, especially when you describe about the structure and the wall color of the building. They seem a bit unnecessary. Just try to remember that if you start to describe something, make sure it helps the story and is very relevant. I actually like some but then you sometimes tend to go few millimeters beyond the line.
There are also some rough areas you need to smoothen out, some are a tad awkward to read and I have to read them twice so I can fully comprehend it well. Although I want to appreciate your verb consistency, good spellings and choice of words. But by keeping the pace to go smoothly, I suggest you read this one out aloud and be careful on how you place your punctuations.
Characters: I get the feeling of your main character, her being confused or anything and Casey is like, "what the hell has happened to her?" Something like that. Their dialogs, thoughts and reactions are actually realistic, because I would too have the same reaction if i had been in her situation or in Casey's situation. But focusing on your character, sometimes, I get kind of confused keeping up the tracks of her thoughts. ^^
Others:
I agree with Kaka here. This seems a bit abrupt so why won't you show us her getting dizzy or light-headed and all before she collapses? By the way, I like it how you end the chapter by adding up a rule.
Overall: This is good, Shrubs. This is very intriguing so please let me know if eve you're going to post the next chapter okay? Hope I helped and PM me for any questions. Keep writing!
Peace out,
Yuri
Hey Shubi!
I'm not sure I like this. I mean you can't exactly just faint at the snap of your fingers and thats how it came across.Here on request! xD
The was a quite a few grammar errors but none too major. So here I go, pointing out YOUR typo's istead of you pointing out mine. Heh heh.. By the way, I am going to be seriously nit picky. Remember its just because I <3 you!
Okay. Overall I found all of this quite confusing. The plot was a little too jumpy and choppy for my liking and I couldn't really get a strong grasp on where you were goin with this or why some things were taking place. The part where she figured she was Rebecca was just to confusing. (Again xD) Until the part about her veins being Rebecca's I had know idea she was Rebecca. We don't even know anything about this.. Rebecca. We need a lot more description with her. Why, if should had to change to be anyone, was it Rebecca. We only know that they're friends. So I found that part lacking in description and just time if that makes sense. It felt like you were nearing the end of the story and you were rushing to get it done.
Your word choice wasn't too bad and sometimes you really had this whole thing going! It was like you were on a roll and it was really fun to read but then sometimes it was just darn right.. complicating it. There was abit too much going on for me.
I can't really comment on anything else but I think with a bit of work, if you cut out a few bits it could have some potential. It really is quite good but just needs so serious looking over..
Sorry I couldn't be of more help.
Keep writing because as I said it is good and I don't mean to be harsh. :S XD
Kaka xoxox