Hi all.This is going to be my first story to be posted.I have written many stories but,none,I think is post-able.Give me honest comments as I am here to improve my writing skills.
Changing Places
Chapter-1
Why did I ever agreed to it ?????????? The pain to go there was curling up inside me.
She wanted it,I didn't.Or did I? Did I wanted to be in her shoes and see the world as Melanie ? No, never ,I was okay being Jemima.What if I was a little bit less popular than Melanie? I got good grades and had a bright future so why would I wanna be Mel, an average. It was Melanie who insisted on this.We had planned all this but somewhere our planning had failed.
" Mel, did you got any news about them?" Mel's mother comes and asks me.
"No Mom. I'm trying her phone number, the one for Iraq," I reply.By now, I had practiced a lot to call her mom mine.Mrs. Stone was a nice lady and being around her always reminded me of my real mom.
"Okay. I am going to the office.I'll be back by dinner.Take care of yourself",she pats me.
"Bye Mom.I am 0kay." Or atleast I thought so.
Mrs. Stone leaves and now I am alone. Alone for the whole day. What can I do now?I had been trying the number for four days now. But everytime I would receive the same answer. No point. I would have to take a serious step.To get back my family and my friend.
I open Mel's secret diary.Had she been here,she wouldv'e swallowed me.She didn't let anyone come near her diary.Only people could see it from 4 metres radius.Now I was breaking her law.Her diary looks beautiful from outside with pretty pink colour cover and a sweet little heart on it.Nothing interesting so I drop it back into her drawer.
I try to solve the last Calculus sum but soon drop my pen. What has happened to me? The Calculus genius not able to solve a sum which even Melanie couldv'e solved.
I wanna ask you one question. Only one. Who do you share your deepest secrets with? Mom? Dad? BFF? But what if they all are far from your reach? If you know the answer then please email it to me at any of these two e-mail id's:
melanie4u@gmail.com (temporary,I guess)
I would be waiting for your answer and even Mel's. Where are you? I need you.From a long time we both haven't had our favourite Choco-mint icecream.Do you remember how once we fooled an old lady.That was bad.She was so kind to give some money.God save them,I pray.
I miss my mother so I write a letter to her which is never gonna be posted as I don't know where exactly she lives now .
Dear Mom,
You know that I love you the most in this world and you do too.Really missing you.I know that this letter will never reach you and if we again meet I am never gonna give it to you.There's no point in writing this letter but still I need to.
So here it goes.Living with Mel's parents is a bit tough.They keep on fighting with each other whole time if at all they are together. I always used to envy Mel for her branded clothes but now I know she had to sacrifice a lot to gain them. She had to sacrifice her mother who works day and night and has little time to spare for anyone even for herself.Her dad's really a 'Busy Bee' too. Will you believe me? I didn't give this silly plan and neither did I accepted it at first.I hope you are fine there.Take care of Melanie.
Jemima
I know that this letter is a mere trick I played on myself . By reading this letter I used to think maybe I would meet all of them again.
I get up from the chair and walk to the kitchen.Let's see what's there . I open the fridge and find nothing which could be called a 'lunch'. Again Mel's mom has forgot.Now I miss my mom.Had she been here, she wouldv'e made my favourite grilled chicken.How wonderful cook she is!!!!!
" Now I'll have to cook something or else buy from restaurant," I mutter to myself in disgust.
"Goodmorning dad.How come you are here?" I check the clock.Mel's dad is a workaholic,I must say.My dad being in army also doesn't work too hard or keeps himself in so much discipline as Mel's dad does.He was dressed in his Armani suit,a perfect tag for rich CEOs. He smiles at me and then climbs down the stairs.How come he's so much happy today ? I think and I pass back the smile.
"I just took an half day.Wanted to be with you.Ever since I became a CEO,I haven't given you much time.I am so sorry for that. After two years you would be in Stranford or Cambridge. You'll make your daddy proud,"he laughed.
Right it was a joke.If real Mel could make it to either of the two universities then even an illiterate can.I am not able to suppress my laughter.
" Thanks dad.But I think you should really go to office.I have a project to complete and the deadline is tomorrow.I was just going to the town library.We can have this time 'spending thing' some other day,can't we?" I make an innocent face which he cannot say no to.
" Okay.You are right. You need to get good grades to get into Cambridge and Stranford. We can spend time together anyday,"he looks a little disappointed.
I lied.I was not planning a library trip. I had completed the project a week ago.I am really particular about it.
"Then see you at the dinner,dad.Will you be able to come on time? Last night your missing dinner hurted Mrs.." I correct myself,"It hurted mom.She was so upset this morning."
His jovial expressions loses its shine.
" I talked to her about it this morning.She was really angry.What I could do make ot to her? I really love her,"he says.
I think of a perfect answer.
" Dad I know you really love her but........ I think you should make her feel special like she does.This is really going to put off her anger,"I reply.
"Really? You have a good point. What should I do?"he starts scratching his head as to make a new scheme.
" Dad it should be completely your idea.If I suggest anything then it won't get the special effect," I give a modest reply.
" I got it.I'll gift her a diamond necklace or should I gift a diamond ring.I'll get it specially designed by Ataryas'.Your mom will get an unique piece.No one would have the one like her.She'll be delighted.Thank you Mel.You are a sweet-heart,"he says and gives his daughter a hug.
"Daaaad,"I stress on the word.Why is it so difficult to make men understand someopne's feelings.I continue,"Dad,you are not getting the point."
"Why? Aren't diamonds girl's best friend ?Did I say something wrong?"he was confused and his child-like innocence made me laugh.
"Dad I think you need some help.But don't let mom know that this idea came from my mind," I say. He looks a little bit relaxed.
"Look she would love to have ano-expensive but sweet gift.Cook dinner for her.That's the least you could do.'This' would be a nice surprise."
He will not refuse his 'daughter's' brilliant idea like he do to his of his employees.
" What a brilliant mind ypu have darling.She would actually love it. She really will. What a pity that these ideas don't get into my mind,"he literally jumps with excitement.
"Dad,I should leave.You start preparing the special feast.I won't come back tonight.Will stay at Kara's. Want to give you privacy.Best of luck!!!!"I smiled and he coudn't stop smiling back.
"I forgot to ask about your frirend,Jemima.Could you contact her ?How's she?So sad it is,"he asked me about myself.
"The number doesn't exists is the only reply I have been receiving in these past four days.God knows,how she is.They all should be safe,"my tension returned back.
"Everything will get all right.Anything that I can do?"he asked looking concerned.
"Dad can you try to find about the army men stationed at Baghdad.The ones who went with their families.That would make the search more easy," I said.
"I'll try everything I can.I'll find your best friend,"he said.
Yes,Melanie and I are best friends.
] have fixed everything now.A night away from Mel's parents.To be alone,to get into the old memories.Making a special night for them was just another of my tricks.I also wanted to surprise Mel when she'll look at them.they would have gained back their love for each other by then,I guess.I have to now meet Kara.
Points:
Time spent:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
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Hi shubhi!
Things like this are very informal. Never use multiple punctuations. Also; avoid 'gonna' and such words unless it's thrown into the conversation and nnot the story.I do like the story, but as Midnight said, the plot is a little confusing.
This bit seems to me as if the voice of the speaker has changed. I'm not sure who's saying this.
On your dialogue: Well, I think this needs to be improved. The dialogue doesn't seem to form any clear idea of the characters. Dialogue should always reflect the characters' personalities. You could effect dialogues by adding words that show how they speak, or the sub-conscious actions they do while speaking.
Overall: It's a good start. I like it. I would suggest you to read the entire thing over, and edit it. I hope I didn't sound too harsh; I hope this review helps you.
Cheers,
~Lava
Hi shubhiloves2write
I like the story line though the plot is hard to get.
Right, the nit-picks,
You have spaces were there shouldn't be and no spaces were you need them (sorry if that makes no sense but I can't think of another way to put it).
You also use a lot of language that is like baby speak, what I mean is, you leave out words that make the sentences make sense.
I do like the post but I think you should read it through and sort out the problems I pointed out.
midnightread