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Young Writers Society



Somewhere Lost -Prologue (edited)

by MiaParamore


Somewhere Lost

PrologueHOPE YOU ALL LIKE IT!!!!!!!!!

Everything was looking black.Slowly ,my eyes were closing it's shutter and I was losing the hope.What if I would never be able to meet her again ?

The Kurdish lady was watching me helplessly because she knew that I was not wrong.I didn't have a fight with her but against destiny.They say no one can change their fate but I wanted to.How long could I live with it ? HEr eyes were wet with tears.

The Iraqi man still had the club in his hand with which he had made me helpless three minutes ago.I fell on the ground and could only make out that the lady had put her palm in front of her daughter to prevent her from seeing her me in this condition.They were thinking that I was dead but I was alive and could hear them talk but the difference was that it sounded like an echo to my.......no,Mel's ears.

Strange it seemed but they both were conversing in English.Maybe they had to learn the language to save themselves.

"Why did you do this,Ahmad ?"the lady was shouting.

"Ammi,she's that,"he replied and of course he meant 'American'.

"She is a nice girl or perhaps was.You are not supposed to kill everybody.We are not racists and should never be.Look what you have become,"she howled.

The small girl broke free from her mother's hold and ran to her brother.The brother(of course,the Iraq armyman) embraced his little sister and wiped off her tears.I had always wished that I also had a loving sibling.

She was talking in her own language which was impossible for me to understand.

"Answer me,Ahmad.What do you think you did just now ?I didn't let you join army to become a butcher but to save our country and respect it's cultures and also others'.You have let me down,"she was sobbing.

"Ammi,why do you say so? I just saved my country from a spy.An American spy.She would have leaked all the information to her country,"he said.

I wasn't feeling any hatred for anyone.He had reasons to hit me and had I be in his position I wouldv'e done the same.He wanted to cry,it was evident but was controlling them as men aren't allowed to cry.

"How can you say that she was a spy?"his mother looked unconvinced.

"I am so sure of it because.....why else she would be here ?"he replied and after that his mothere didn't utter a single word.Maybe now I was a spy for her too.

When you have a reason to mourn then you also have one to cheer about.

The body was paining but I didn't shout.I wanted to hear their whole conversation.I was fighting against fate.

"Mother,why was she here ?"the army man asked his mother after some silence.

"She was inquiring about some girl.American,"she said in her own accent.

"Mother,it was just her trick.She didn't come to inquire about the girl.She is a spy.Those people have sent her,"he said and ran to his mother and hugged her.

The mother was numb.Had she fed her special kababs to a spy ?She was a traitor.The family was crying revealing their sorrows.The pain they all had endured,were enduring and wouldv'e to endure for years before everything went to normal.The blood from my head was continuing to flow and make me weak.

I was feeling sorry for them but I also had my own issues.She was here !!!! A day before this, she was here with this lady.But where was she now ?Poor Melanie.I had to get free from them and find her.But as soon as I thought this I collapsed.The pain was more than the body could take.If I will remain alive then I would find her.Find me.


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Sat Feb 13, 2010 7:56 am
whatevr wrote a review...



This, I'm afraid, was a hard read. I'm not trying to be cruel, but you NEED to remember to space. And I didn't really get the point of this. Prologues are supposed to introduce characters or get the reader hooked. This was boring. Maybe it's just not my style or genre. But if you described more and made something actually happen, this would be great.

Keep writing.

-Biffle




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Fri Feb 12, 2010 4:58 pm
MiaParamore says...



Thank you all for liking my work and telling me how I could really improve it.I'll definitely work on the points.




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Fri Feb 12, 2010 2:11 am
Jas wrote a review...



hey,

I haven't seen many stories that have to do with Iraq or the war (if this is what it is about) on this website lately. The very end shouldn't have so many exclamation marks, they distract the reader and make the reader feel like just skipping that part. I like it but I don't understand what's going on, is the brother beaten? Is this is 3rd person or 1st person? Please make these points clearer :) You have a nice start

~Jasmine Bells~
Peace, Love, Writing and Insanity




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Thu Feb 11, 2010 12:05 am
ireylcadence wrote a review...



This is really great and definitely worth continuing. It keeps the reader guessing and brings up plenty of things for later plot points, which is exactly what a prologue should do. Nice!

The first line,

Everything was looking black
is a little bit cliche. Perhaps try to find something to that effect but not exactly? I would also watch out on the punctuation. This could also be a bit longer--perhaps take some time to describe exactly how the narrator feels, what the talking people sound like, what the narrator thinks of them, etc.

Can't wait to see what's going to happen next! :)




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Wed Feb 10, 2010 10:09 pm
Pretty Crazy wrote a review...



I think I'm going to like this. Well, I'll definitely read some more of it anyway.
You have a really neat idea here. This is very hooking. Once the reader starts reading they can't stop!
But there are a few things you should probably fix. So bear with me a moment, alright? :D

Your sentences, there's no space between them. After a punctuation mark you should always, always press the space bar! It keeps it from being all squished together.

I don't think there's anything else to nitpick. No spelling mistakes or anything that I saw anyway.

Overall: There could be some more description. Like where this is at. Yes prologues are supposed to be simple, but description is also important to get the reader's attention.
I hope this was helpful. Keep going with this.

~ Crazy :P





If I were a girl in a book, this would all be so easy.
— Jo March