Writer's note->I have posted this story two times before with different names but everytime delete it because I wasn't satisfied. Hope you like it. I have brought in minor changes. Feel free to comment and please if you like it then don't forget to click 'LIKE' button.Many of the stiff is same. But please read it.
“Melanie, stop,” I cried. I was running after her on a dark street in my pajamas. She was running breathlessly, afraid to look back. She was sure that it was one of the Iraqis trying to kill her and I was sure that it was Melanie. How could I forget my own figure and the dress I wore on my last birthday? It had to be Melanie. How could she not recognize her own voice? Her body was now mine and mine was hers.
“Melanie, it's me, Jemima." I shouted to make myself audible against the howling winds. She turned back, and I could just make out that she was happy to see me here, but facial features weren't clear. I could hear an animal’s cry as if to mark our reunion. But why were they crying? We were going to meet after nine months so why did they mourn? Maybe we weren’t going to meet.
I could hear a horn blowing somewhere, and then appeared a rusty truck. I felt the bright headlights flash into my eyes and Mel's too, disrupting our meeting. Some soldiers wearing desert camouflaged uniform got out of the truck and pointed their guns at Melanie. I don't know from where, but a light flashed on her face making her facial features clear. Her eyes were locked on to my face asking for help. Her horrified visage added to my misery. I had caused all this trouble to my friend. The next thing I knew was that she was shot dead by these soldiers while I stood there, watching them do this. I didn't think about anything else or they didn't give a chance, so I began running to an unfamiliar place. I had proved that I am such a coward. She was gone. I was gone. Forever and ever. I started evaporating and in the next moment I wasn't there anymore. She died. I died. I had trifled with the last chance I had got. The howls of the birds were the only living thing present on the silent, dark road. That was the end. It was the end of the story that had started nine months ago. No more Melanie Stone and Jemima Rover would ever haunt the Iraq streets again.
I woke up from this nightmare which formed a very much part of my existence after they had left. I was gasping for breath and adjusting my eyes to the sudden bright light of the sun. Although the same nightmare had been haunting me for months, each time it scared me more than the previous time. Every night, I would go to sleep praying the dream not to come again but somehow my prayer went unanswered and my every morning was wasted in consoling myself. I looked at the clock which showed the time 06:30 PM and threw it away in disgust. Couldn’t the clock go to the last day of my life and show me with all the people I loved, from my parents to Melanie? I think dying once is easier than dying everyday with guilt stored within me; maybe that wasn’t a good idea. What if they didn’t exist then? It would be even more heart-breaking . No; I would have to wait for them and keep on praying.
I cleared my throat and gathered myself for a busy day ahead, a day as Melanie Stone.. The door didn’t open so I assumed that Mel’s parents were still asleep and hadn’t heard the voice. I couldn’t even think of hurting them again with this hysterical behaviour of mine.
I went down to the kitchen thinking the same thing again and again: Why did I ever agree to it? The pain to go there was curling up inside me. I wanted to be there with them, feel what they were feeling, listen to what they were listening. But not now. It wasn't possible now. I had to fight a lot with destiny. The fight might have been going on between two countries: USA and Iraq but I was fighting another war, the one with destiny. If I fail now, I won't ever get another chance to fight. Melanie and I had changed bodies nine months ago with each other so she could go to Iraq and I could stay here.
“You are awake?” a female voice made me jump as I retrieved a bottle from refrigerator. The bottle fell from my hand to scare me even more. I was quivering with fear and my throat was dry. The after- effect of the dream had not yet vanished.
“Yes mom. Why do you ask? It’s the usual time I get up, isn’t it? I just came down to drink water. Why are you awake?” I inquired when I saw Mel’s mom dressed in her pink nightgown standing right next to the kitchen entrance. Her mom never used to get up before 8:00 so each day I had to go without greeting her.
Her face was still like a statue, expressionless, but a beautiful one with all the godly beauty.
“Actually, I have a project to complete so I was just working on it. You know how stressed I am these days,” she said and looked at me carefully. There was no sweat now, only tension which couldn’t be hidden from her. I turned to the other side so she could know that her inspection was irritating me.” Had that dream again?” she guessed.
“No mom,” I lied.
“Don’t lie to me. I heard the sound of something you broke,” she was angry. She wasn’t angry because I had not forgotten my past but because I was lying to her. Mel’s mom (Mrs Stone) was the most truthful person I had ever come across. She was what one could call the‘American Gandhi’.
But now she had forgotten her Gandhi avatar and had lied to me. There was no project to complete but an inspection which she had to make. She was coming upstairs to see me. I turned back at her to see that serene her face looked. Her heart shaped face, with no wrinkles to mark her age was flawless. How could one manage to be so pretty at this time of morning when even the most beautiful models are lost in a world of dreams, oblivious to their surrounding world? Her hair was tied in a perfect pony and no strand of hair was out of its place. How much I admired her!
“I was just taking my medicines, mom,” I said. By now I had practiced a lot to call Mel’s mom mine. Time and time I called her by this name so I could never make a mistake and get used to it.
“You should take them now. I’ll give those to you .Wait here,” she had a command over her voice. She went to a cabinet near the crockery rack.” Was Jemima again in the dream?" she called out from there.
Couldn't I tell her that I was Jemima and her daughter had gone there? Jemima is here, Melanie is there, I shouted in my mind. We had changed bodies and hadn't anyone know of this.
“Yes,” was all I could manage .Why didn’t I have the courage to go to her and say that I don’t need her help and let me be me. Maybe this was because I was hiding something from her. She brought the pills that I had to take and I gulped them with a glass of water in one go.
“Now, you go and sleep. I think you can miss school today. You are looking really tired. Don’t roam around." She said and then paused for a moment. “Try to forget Jemima. I know it's tough... but you have to, for your own good,” she said as her usual bright smile returned on her face.
“I want to go to school, mom. That is the only place where I can concentrate,” I said.
"Fine, as you wish. I won't stop you." She patted me on my back and hugged me. Her grip was too tight that I couldn’t break myself free.
“Let me go,” I demanded and she released me and then smiled. I think I had been too rude to her. She just wanted to hug her own daughter. What was wrong with that? Maybe I felt so claustrophobic because she wasn’t my mom after all. She made a sad face and then walked back to her own room, thus not giving me a chance to apologise and leaving me there all alone.
Melanie wanted it, I didn’t. Or did I? Did I want to be in her shoes and see the world as Melanie? No, never, I was okay being Jemima. What if I was a little bit less popular than Melanie and no one would want to be my friend except for her and Kara? I got good grades and had a bright future so why would I want to be Mel, an average. It was Melanie who insisted on this. Not me. It was her idea and she wanted it to be executed.” I am not guilty, judge." I had to get her back even if that meant going to hell.
Points:
Time spent:
IP address:
Canary word: Present
Possible AI signals:
Original Text:
Are you sure you want to delete this comment? This cannot be undone.
Mark this comment as a review? Points will be awarded to the poster.
Your comment was posted, but it wasn’t long enough to count as a review. Reviews need about four complete sentences (at least 250 characters). Try writing another review that explains your thoughts in more detail — the author will appreciate it, and you’ll earn points for it.
140,121 Literary Works • 673,020 Reviews
Hello there, Shubhi!
Here to review as requested.
Just slight mistakes about spaces and periods.
One thing that was really confusing in this story was the time setting.
06:30 PM? Did you mean 6:30 AM? And 6:30 is too early for nightmares.
I think that's the only thing that really made your story confusing. Others have covered up those mistakes already.
Overall, this is really good and is there a continuation to this story?
Keep up the good work!
Peace out!
Hey Shubhi!
I'm really not good at spotting mistakes like everyone else has. Although, you've seemed to change them. I did manage to spot a little typo though:
You didn't leave a space between the and 'American
Anyway, I really liked this story. I think it's one of your best works. I think you start too many sentences with 'I'. Try changing that or something.
Keep Writing!
~Tamara
p.s. LIKES
Apple is here to comment on your story!
For Example; I didn't think about anything else, they didn't give mea chance
On an overall basis this is very good, and I rather enjoyed it. I found a few more mistakes though I didn't pick up on them because mostly every other reviewer has done the same thing.
Lots of spacing and punctuational errors. I realized this is from a while back, so I'll let you off easy on this one. DO take note of it for the future though.
It's an interesting concept you have here, I wouldn't abandon it if I were you.
Thnaks Skin and Stela.
Well, I noticed that people have already given you very detailed reviews with all the nitpicks anyone could possibly find
However, you did request a review and a review you shall receive
I find the plot very interesting what with the whole body switching and everything. Also, the fact that she's gone to Iraq makes me wonder exactly what she's doing there, so you have your hook, right there. However, one thing that I didn't really understand is, the fact that they switched bodies, she doesn't seem so surprised by it, at all. She just mentions it, like it's an everyday thing that happens all the time. Why? Is it an everyday thing? And in that case, doesn't her mum suspect something? That was the only thing that seemed a bit off to me, everything else seems good.
Your characters aren't developed that well yet, but that's probably because it's the beginning of the story and you're not going to reveal everything right now! So, yeah.
Overall, good story though, and I wish I could say more, but I don't want to repeat what people already said, but I liked it. I would read it if you wrote more, you can PM me when you do
Hey shubhi
Here as requested.
Overall
This was quite good shubhi! I really liked the idea behind it, it was very original. I like the idea of two girls switching bodies, it's clever. Although, I would like to know how they switched bodies and why. There weren't any spelling mistakes so well done for that. There was the odd grammar mistake, mostly commas, but it wasn't too bad at all. You also had some nice descriptions as well. There are a few things that I noticed though.
My main critique is the way you phrase things. This is completely understandable because I know that English isn't your first language. Baring that in mind, you actually did a pretty good job at phrasing things. Us reviewers have already pointed out the main area where things sound a little bit confusing. All that you need to do is take a look at what we've said and maybe try and rephrase the odd sentence? That way, it will be a lot easier for the reader to understand. When something is phrased awkwardly, the story can become a bit confusing. Especially if there are a lot of awkward phrases.
My other small critique is the characters themselves, mainly Melanie's mum. You've described her as being, and looking, perfect. Like someone else said, no one is perfect. You can say that she's a very beautiful person and kind, but come on, everyone has flaws. Maybe you can mention how protective she is over Melanie? That could count as a flaw. Also, you could say that her nose is a bit oddly shaped or something? But then you could lead on to say how even though her nose is oddly shaped, the rest of her face makes up for it. Do you get what I mean? By doing this, you characters become more realistic.
As for your grammar, you did struggle a bit when it came to the commas. Commas are actually very confusing things when it comes to writing; a lot of people struggle with putting them in the right places. The best thing to do to improve on this is practice. Also, I think that there are some good threads here on YWS that give advice on comma usage. In fact, I think that Demeter has written a good one. Maybe you could check one of them out and hopefully get some good advice?
Other than these issues, I did enjoy reading your story! At times, it could be a bit confusing. You just need to clear a few things up. One of the things I really liked about this was some of your descriptions. Although Melanie's mum was described as a perfect character, you actually did it well! All you need to do now is describe her just as well, but make her a bit less perfect. There were other places where you used some very nice descriptions as well. There weren't any description clumps either, so I am very happy about that! There was the odd sprinkle of description here and there, which is what I, and most other readers like.
Overall, I definitely think that this story has heaps of potential. All that you need to do is take note of what us reviewers have said. Then you just need to polish this piece up a bit and try to make it a bit easier to understand. If you do this, you will have an exceptionally good piece of writing here shubhi!
Keep writing and good luck!
xoxo Skins
Thank you TEnnisPrincess. I would be writing soon and I loved your avataar.
AWESOME!!!
Finally something of yours that I actually liked.
I just love your writing, its amazing.
Write more soon
Hey there! So I'm not sure which other you meant but here's a review on this one:
[This is more than a little confusing. Recognise her own voice? Are they sisters? Do you mean they have similar voices? Try to be more simple toward the beginning, you need to introduce these characters first.]The next part is much too fast for my liking. Where's the emotion and tension building? You need to describe what she can hear, feel, see. Do it in slow motion and don't make it obvious to the reader that they aren't going to meet. Build up to it and then right at the last second when she's just starting to smile a greeting, have her die. That would be more dramatic.
I think you need some explanation of this earlier or to lead into the story more slowly.
I think your dialogue could be more realistic. This seems more like two college girls than an adult and teenager. Remember this is a woman talking to her daughter.
The description of the mother is ridiculous. How can a reader relate to a card-board cut out impossible character? Everyone is flawed. Don't make her perfect.
This is terrible dialogue. Ask yourself would your mum ever talk to you like that. It's unnatural, there's weird phrasings and it isn't realistic. Mum's don't offer days off school in those ways. They say things like, 'Maybe you ought to take the day off' or 'Maybe you'd be better off at home today.'
Okay! So a few other comments...
Plot
I like it. The switching bodies thing is interesting, I particularly like that she isn't happy with the switch but give the reader more of this experience. What does it feel like to be in another's body? Can she feel their difference in weight or hearing or sight? Every person has a different perspective on the world so it would be hard to get used to walking around it somone else's skin.
Also, I'm not sure that I get this setting. There's something to do with the war with Iraq, somehow they start off on the battle field? That makes no sense to me or was that really just a dream? It's all vry confusing for a first installment. I think you need to tone down the weird stuff for now and let the reader get used to the idea of body switching before you throw anything else in.
Characters
Just a brief note to say you could do with making them more real. Little personal facts about them will help and give them flaws and their own way of acting and speaking. They need to be more heavily defined so maybe brain-storm who they are and then every time you write a line of dialogue thing about those characteristics. Are they sensible or crazy or brave or lucky?
Proof-read
Always check your writing at least twice before hitting that submit button! There should be absolutely no mistakes that you could have corrected yourself.
Good luck with the story!
Heather xx
It's a fantasy dear and I am just trying to sound dramatical. Animals have some instinct of theirs which is commonly used in the stories.
This sentence is clear as glass. Mr.Gandhi never lied in his whole life and hate it. That's what I mean.
The body was same so it was difficult or unpredictable to guess their situation. I think the sentence I wrote fits with the story.
I'm not really sure what you're trying to say with the last part. I would cut "of God knows where", because it doesn't make a whole lot of sense.
This sentence is incredibly confusing. Do you mean "She was sure that I was one of the Iraqis that were trying to kill her, and I was sure that she was Melanie" ?
Why? Was it too dark? Was she too far away?
This sounds a little tacky. Why would the animals know what was going to happen. I would cut this whole part about the animals because it would make the whole story much smoother.
Jemima can't feel her own eyes, can she? Maybe just say "I felt the bright headlights flash into Mel's eyes.
This is way too fast. Draw out the scene a little. Show us the soldiers getting out of the truck, and the noise of their guns.
Huh?
Why don't we cut this line, and make a clearer division between the dream and reality.
It seems strange that she says "one" and then asks Mrs Stone why she is awake. It might be better if Jemima says "I" instead of "one". Also, why would you just go downstairs to get water? I would cut the "just" and change "get water" to "eat breakfast"
Maybe: "Her face was expressionless; still like a beautiful statue"
Why does an object have a voice?
I am just so confused by this line.
Maybe: "Couldn't she tell that I was Jemima, and that her daughter had gone to Iraq? Jemima is here, Melody is there, I shouted in my mind. No one had even noticed that we had changed bodies"
When a character is thinking, it helps the reader understand it better if you put it in italics.
Overall:
What an interesting idea for a story! There were quite a few awkwardly phrased sentences, though.
Also, I think you might want to work on making it clearer at the beginning that Melanie and Jemima have switched bodies. You don't want to say it outright, but maybe try and structure the sentences a little differently to give the reader a few hints.
I think it might work well if you italicized the dream part. That way, there would be a separation between the dream and reality. Also, when she wakes up, show the reader that she has woken up, rather than telling them.
Overall, I think this is an excellent idea for a story, it just needs a little bit of re-phrasing to make it flow more smoothly.