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Fiend of Fire and Sky

by Messenger


Fiend of Fire and Sky: A Children's Nighttime Read

There's a beast from the east who's coming to feast.

He's got teeth and nails and flames and scales.

The villages cry when they see him in the sky;

they know the time is nigh that they will die.

The kingdoms swear at the Fiend of the Air,

for their might and spite cannot match his light

When he wakes he aches and childrens' bones breaks,

in a horrid attempt to repay their contempt.

It was long ago, through rock and snow that kings did go,

killing his kind, thinking they would find riches inside.

Now forever will his fever control the lever of whether

the kingdoms of man will continue to stand on land.

And if he kills as he wills with heinous thrill,

he will be within his right as Terror of the Night.

Greed with no creed will cause this world to bleed,

condemning, unbending;  now and always unending.

Pay mind, little one, to the song that's been sung,

that wrong choices can lead to the Devil's Tongue!

Now sleep, don't weep, your eyes shut keep.

Unless, like those wicked kings, your bell also rings.


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Sat Oct 28, 2023 4:44 am
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alliyah wrote a review...



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Happy Spooktober Review Day!



Greetings Spooky Friend! Trick or Treat! I am here with a Spooktober Themed Review for you!

Knock, Knock, Who's There? (MY INTERPRETATION)


I want to start with my interpretation of your piece...

My interpretation of the poem was the first two thirds shared about a creature (perhaps a dragon) that is coming to destroy a village and cause destruction - the village is scared for they know the beast will go on a killing rampage - the story/poem is told as almost a warning to the child that receives the poem that they should 'pay mind' because wrong choices could cause them to be the victim of the terrible beast. The last third is kind of the "call to action" where the poem becomes sort of a fable or legend meant to keep children in line. We also find out the dragon is so vengeful because formerly kings killed its kind.

TRICKS


Here are 3 Tricks or Tips that I think would make your piece even more spooktacular in my opinion:

TRICK ONE: A little more continuity in the plot points

I like how the poem painted this picture of the dragon wreaking havoc, and then drew near to a child as a word of warning about the dragon - I think you could play a little with this contrast maybe with a couplet about "lay peacefully in your bed" etc. As far as the message - I think it came across fairly clearly - the only part that was a bit confusing for me was the very final line - on why the speaker would assume the subject would repeat the actions of the evil kings.

TRICK TWO: Correcting spacing issue

Overall this poem was edited immaculately - I really didn't see any major spelling / grammar inconsistencies standing out. The only thing I caught was it looks like the spacing is not quite a full stanza break between stanza 3 & 4 -> could just be a yws glitch! And then here:
condemning, unbending; now and always unending.
you've got an extra space after the semi-colon.

TRICK THREE: Rhyme double check
Overall I loved your rhyming and the heavy use of internal rhyme throughout - I think it gave a lightness to the piece which could have read very heavy because of the serious subject - matter. The two parts I wasn't quite sure the rhyming was quite working were "fever / lever / whether" (fever seems a bit of a stretch) and then "one / song / sung" those are quite different too - maybe "undone" to rhyme with "sung" - besides that I thought all your rhymes were definitely close enough and really amplified the piece.

TREATS


I want to close by highlighting three aspects I thought were treats in your piece: (3 compliments or highlights)

TREAT ONE:
Your rhyming is so fun in this - it absolutely makes the poem come alive with a great sing-songy vibe. I think the fact it's supposed to be a children's poem is very funny / fitting -kind of fits with some of those other darker fairytales out there.

TREAT TWO:
Great use of elevated language to elevate the piece without being archaic or unclear. I like the use of "heinous" and "spite" - the poem is elevated and formal, but it is very understandable.

TREAT THREE:
It can be hard to incorporate a lot of imagery into shorter structured pieces sometimes - but you still managed to do so and begin to paint the picture of this evil dragon


Good luck in all your writing!

Have a Spooktacular Day!



alliyah




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Wed Sep 20, 2023 9:17 pm
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VioletSkies wrote a review...



Hi! I have just a few things to say.

First, I love the way the poem is set up, sometimes looks do matter. Just reading the poem I can imagine renaissance music in the background.

The visuals you paint for the reader are great, I can imagine everything as you say. There are many descriptions just to make the reader see what is happening.

I can with full certainty tell you this feels like what it is, a bed time story. Something you may find in a movie backstory.

I love the ending, were the child is addressed, it ties the whole thing together!

One thing that I do want to comment on is the rhyming. While I do love when poems rhyme, sometimes it can be overwhelming. In this I feel like something rhymes every two words.

Other than that I really did enjoy this!




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Wed Sep 20, 2023 6:52 am
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Liminality says...



An interesting poem! I think I haven't seen many 'children's poems' that have rhymes in the middle of lines; mostly, they seem to have lots of rhymes at the end. I wouldn't read this to a child personally, because it would probably keep them up at night xD I can imagine this being read to a fictional child in a dark fantasy setting, though! Also, the idea that the beast is out for revenge is an interesting twist on the classic 'take the dragon's treasure' quest.




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Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:57 am
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Ventomology wrote a review...



Heyyy! Back at it again with more fun poems.

I really love the sheer amount of rhyming + consonance/assonance you've managed to fit in here. Like no joke that is some Lin-Manuel-Miranda-level rhyming going on in here. (Actually?? I kind of want to listen to someone read this or sing it, just to see if the pauses or held notes make it better.)

However, for all the really awesome rhymes, there is a different meter every line, and that makes it a little difficult to read and also I think hurts the poem's structure.

You have a really clear rhyme scheme here, with these sort of pseudo-couplet pairs. (I say pseudo-couplet because when I read these aloud, a lot of the single lines can actually be split pretty well at one of the main rhyming words, both in length and rhythm) If you commit to an accompanying meter or rhythm, it should actually help to reinforce the weight on each of those rhyming words. Alternatively, you could use meter, or changes in meter, to denote different sections of the poem (ie, the first several stanzas are extolling the... horridness? of the fiend, while the last three pivot to the lesson learned). There are a lot of options, and the choice is ultimately up to you, but I really think it will help to write these kinds of poems with the meter more at the center of the plan.

Additionally, I've found when I write structured or metered poems, it really forces me to be creative with what I want to say, and discover new ways of conveying the information. You're very committed to proper modern English in your poetry, which isn't bad, but also may be holding you back from some really interesting language choices.

Aside from that though, this is still a super fun poem! It's a treat to see these sorts of odes/fables on YWS, since a lot of people here aren't as interested in writing that style of poetry. And uh... who doesn't like fantasy and dragons? The subject matter alone is epic. Awesome job!

-Vento




Messenger says...


Yeqh can you tell I struggle with following poem rhythms %uD83D%uDE02 I actually did have to do a lot of shifting and picking specific words, but I know what you mean and do see a few areas where I could sure up the syllable count. I kind of imagine this being read aloud and so the reader could play the pace the way they want. But in having fun with these haha



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Wed Sep 20, 2023 2:36 am
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LuminescentAnt wrote a review...



Hi! I'm going to leave a super short review for this poem!

I absolutely love this. I can't believe that you were able to rhyme the lines, and they also made sense. And also there were a lot of great descriptions.

The words and sentences also have this really resonating sound, and it sounds like such a powerful poem, even though it's just for children. And you used a lot of great adjectives I probably wouldn't have been able to come up with. And like I said, the rhyming was just on point.

One thing though - I think the poem could use a little more figurative language and visual details. I know that it's hard, since you already came up with the rhymes, but this is just a suggestion that I think would make the poem a little better.

Overall, I really enjoyed reading this poem. It's a really cool concept that it's a children's fable. Sorry this review is so short, I hope it's helpful!
Happy Writing!
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firefly1619 says...


I've never read a poem in the form of storytelling before but I thought it was really interesting. It was a really creative poem. I liked the use of language you used like "nigh" that you would see in older times, it enriched the poems dragon theme.




As a writer, I'm more interested in what people tell themselves happened rather than what actually happened.
— Kazuo Ishiguro