Young Writers Society

Okay so I saw your newest poem and the title of this one caught my eye in the sidebar and I was like ummm? In-world poetry? Extremely cool. I want to see Miles reference this or something now, since I assume he has heard this poem.

One thing that might be worth considering is: who in the actual world of Williwaw wrote this, and when? I ask that because I think there are several instances in this poem where you could clean up the rhythm with a bit of older language, but of course if this was written more recently as propaganda that became a kind of legend, then you might not. (Or maybe you would still include some old language to convince people that it's not propaganda? Idk depends on what you want to do with this).

Another thing I wonder is: can you replace Sadoria sometimes with just 'us'? The country name is... four syllables that have a particular syllabic emphasis that is really difficult to work with, and if this poem goes around primarily with the folk of Sadoria, you would really only need to say the whole name once before you can imply each time thereafter that 'us' is Sadoria.

Plume already covered all of the things I would have thought of I this from a pure poetry perspective... so I guess the meat of what I'd add is just that since this is a poem within a story, I think you can be really intentional about the context of the poem, and maybe that will give you some inspiration for how to adjust it without making compromises to match the rhythm or rhyme scheme.

...also is it a song? Will this be sung in the book? Please please please.

Hope this helps,
-Vento

Hey there! Plume here, with a review! It's been a little time since I've last reviewed a poem, so please excuse my rustiness!

This was a very delightful poem, one very reminiscent of an ode. I personally love the idea of writing poetry for one's own fictional works; I feel like it helps flesh out the world so much more when they have their own bits of culture like songs and poetry. I like how much of your worldbuilding was evident in the poem; I myself am not the most accomplished worldbuilder so I'm always super impressed seeing other people do it. It was just, in my opinion, super cool to have all these allusions that I don't get (at least as of now) since I've not read the source material.

Another thing I liked that definitely made this feel more like a poem from times of old was the shift you incorporated in the last stanza; not only did it make the poem feel more final, because of the change— it also felt more archaic, since a lot of old poems (sonnets, especially, and while I know this isn't a sonnet, I feel the principle sort of remains) end with a kind of twist on the poem's theme. The switch from talking about the Black Bull to talking to the reader directly wasn't only a spooky warning that felt very appropriate, but also help solidify those ages-old-tale vibes this poem already has a lot of, so nice work with that!

The one thing I had to say is that there were some times when the rhythm seemed to falter a little; this is also extremely nitpicky, but I'm a stickler for nice flow if a poem rhymes. One of the best ways to find those lines that stunt the reading of the poem is to say it aloud; I find that always helps me locate the spots that may be a little choppy. Another way is to count syllables; this isn't necessarily foolproof, though, because sometimes stressed and unstressed syllables in words can play with how a poem flows, and can actually be very seamless and nice but have lines with different numbers of syllables.

Also, I noticed in some places "He" was capitalized and other places it was not (same with variations, like "Him" and "His"). I assume this was just an oversight, but if not, I'd be curious to know the reasoning behind the change in capitalization.

Overall: nice work! Let me know if you want me to clarify anything, and feel free to disregard any and all of this feedback. I hope to get into your novel sometime soon; it looks super interesting! Until next time!

I love this! A few critiques though:
First off, the last line, "Did you stand with Sadoria, or with its enemies will you fall" has a very confusing tense change, from past to future. Was this intentional?
Secondly, something that I have always learned is that when you can, take it out. For example, in the fourth stanza, you write that "And tho' foes assail Him, and pierce his armor through" it may make more sense to remove the word 'him'.
Finally, punctuation. Some commas in the work might work better as semicolons, and at the end of lines, a lot more punctuation could be used, such as periods, commas, and question marks.
Overall, it is a wonderful work. I love the imagery used in this, and internal rhyme. It has a good rhythm to it, and definitely something that a lot of time and love was put into. Painting the hero as a black bull and as inevitable was refreshing, too many times I have found myself letting my characters be to flexible. The stubbornness and fury of someone who is also a hero was a fantastic juxtaposition