Rael is my lover
Rael is my muse
Rael like no other
There's none else will do
Rael is forever come w-i-i-i-n or l-o-o-o-se
Rael o'er another
My sweetheart come true
~ × ~
She's misty and mystic
She's bubbling with noise
Her dark, hallowed woods
Are naught but a ploy
Her shores beguile, her smirk so c-o-o-oy
But neath that old farce
She's ruddy with joy
~ × ~
Rael is my lover
Rael is my muse
Rael like no other
There's none else will do
Rael is forever come w-i-i-i-n or l-o-o-o-se
Rael o'er another
My sweetheart come true
~ × ~
Sweet are her waters
Swelling, her bluffs
Velvet her dark skin
Warm to the touch
Soft are her hands, it's nare en-o-o-ough
Her presence is always
So tender and lush
~ × ~
Rael is my lover
Rael is my muse
Rael like no other
There's none else will do
Rael is forever come w-i-i-i-n or l-o-o-o-se
Rael o'er another
My sweetheart come true
~ × ~
Long after I've passed
She'll still woo and sing
She'll brave every winter
Renew every spring
New souls to win in a summer fl-i-i-ing
With a queen like that!
Who needs a king?
~ × ~
Rael is my lover
Rael is my muse
Rael like no other
There's none else will do
Rael is forever come w-i-i-i-n or l-o-o-o-se
Rael o'er another
My sweetheart come true
Rael for forever come w-i-i-in or l-o-o-o-se
Rael my dear lover
Eternal my muse
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138,447 Literary Works • 672,121 Reviews
Hey Messy! Stopping by to review another poem in light of Review Month! After reading Lass of Scone, I look forward to reading about Rael again.
Reading this was so fun! The tempo of the poem is very lyrical, and flowed effortlessly off the tongue. Similar to sound's review, I really don't have a ton of feedback on this piece. In Lass of Scone, it is revealed the character of Rael, and that poem is a clear work of love as well. However, in this work, it is much more of a straight up love song, as the narrator is fervently expressing love and adoration for Rael. I can definitely envision this as a song sung with some sort of guitar!
Another comment I want to make is your use of voice throughout both poems. While this is a review on just this poem, I cannot ignore that Lass of Scone is written about the same character in the same universe. Both works use a language that is akin to the fantasy world that you are creating. Using language such as: muse, woo, nare, bluffs, ruddy, begile—it all brings together pieces of the world in which this song is being sung, which is a world unlike our modern western culture. Just wanted to praise that and say that your word choice is really well done for exposing the context of the poem without giving anything about the actual plot of the main story away!
Overall, this was another enjoyable read! Glad I got to review and hope it was somewhat helpful! God bless.
Heyo, Messenger!
I don't have a ton of feedback on this. The flow, rhyme scheme, and theme are all solid and well done here. It's very genre-appropriate and you do well executing the idea of Rael being a lover - befitting of a sea shanty, as sailors will refer to ships and strips of land as she/her. I like it, and I want to hear the song's melody.
The following are some nit-picks with suggestions, though they're previously mentioned.
If I were quoting this song as a group of people singing it in a novel context, I might keep the elongated dashes for the vowels. However, I don't think it's necessary nor does the song lose any of its campy, shanty feel by doing so. That's only my opinion.
The chorus is often repeated, which is fine, and again, common for the genre of shanties/tavern ballads genre. If you wanted to include this in literature/your novel I'd cut the repetition and just say the chorus rang on and on.
My take: people don't always use proper grammar, and the time best not to use it is in a shanty. The song is meant to feel informal and I don't think it's required. That said, if you did want to make it more grammatically correct but couldn't find a way to do so without breaking the syllable count of the meter, you could reword it to: "No one else will do," but that might not have the same feel.
Some of your rhymes are near rhymes. That's fine, but for me, the last line of this verse felt like a stretch and a little forced. I feel like "her presence is always so tender and lush" could also be reworked as a phrase in general to feel more evocative without feeling a bit awkward. I wouldn't personally describe someone's presence as tender. Maybe their voice, or their touch, but not their presence. Maybe countenance would be a better word choice? It also feels like "it's nare enough" is meant to lead to something, but it doesn't. It's nare enough... for what? That question isn't answered smoothly.
Here's a suggested re-work to help spark ideas if you want to change this line:
That said, it's just a suggestion! Use it or recycle it if you choose.
This line is funny to me.
Anywho, that's all I have to say, but if you have and questions feel free to poke me. I enjoyed this and impatiently wait for your recorded version (I'm expected it on my desk tomorrow morning).
Ooh this is cool. I love me a good sea shanty
@soundofmind could you be troubled to look at this?
donezo
k_hand:
Oh my goodness! When I read this, I was like, "HMMM. This looks like this is a poem that one would find in a novel." Only for me to glance at your comments and find out that NOT ONLY does this come from a novel, but it comes from your infamous novel, Williwaw! So yaaaaay!
Anyway! It kind of seems like lyrics. I can imagine this song being the sort of song sung in a pub or some fine drinking establishment, possibly by sailors or soldiers excited for another victory. Maybe the royalty would adapt it if it were popular enough, but it kind of has a shanty type feeling to it which would probably not make it popular for the royalty? Like, since the song deliberately makes it a love song regarding a country, I'm not sure that it would "officially" be popular for royalty. XD
Were I to use it in a novel... like, for the fans, I might record a song singing it as an extra "bonus" for the readers who are engrossed. Plus, since it's kind of a shanty song, your voice would probably be fine for it.
I would also probably break up the lyrics a bunch. So like, if you were to use it in your novel, I would suggest only doing a couple of lines while some action was coming through. Maybe in like... a barfight or something? That would be fun... xD Like, you have the backdrop of Rael being a lover happening and then you have all this action on top of it, and it would be magnificent, I think.
Though like... you could probably introduce the song in a more somber way? Maybe have a verse crooned by someone while the narrator is thinking about what Rael means to them? Still, were you to do that, I would suggest including the song later in a more action packed scene as a kind of call and response sort of thing... the narrator thinks about Rael, then later his actions for (or against) Rael show what he would do for Rael. So that might make it fun!
I would probably not keep the extended vowels. I know that it's supposed to direct how the song goes, but I dunno... I think you could just say that they're drunkenly singing it and it sounds like a shanty and keep the normal spelling and it would be fine.
...I know. Here you were hoping for a poetry review, but you get a novel review instead. XD Oh well! I did warn you that the review might be incoherent.
Best of luck with Williwaw!
why did I never reply to this. I've read this review many times haha and this poem will be inserted into draft 1.2 very soon ;P
Hey Mess!! Ellie here to offer you a quick review for this poem/lyrics you posted! Let's get right into it!
First impression, this seems to be based off of your novel Williwaw. I love how you formatted this and used some different poetic elements! It is simple, but beautiful.
I liked how you separated the letters like that throughout. It made it look really unique. I assume that this is because it is lyrical and those parts are words sung in a different way. You have a nice use of language and I liked the o'er you used. I don't see that often but that really helped set the theme and feeling for this!
Your words flow nicely, when I speak them out loud. I admire the bit of alliteration you use throughout your lines to create a nice flow feeling. The repeating the name Rael at the start of those three lines multiple times was a nice touch too. I really liked how you did these lines:
The s sounds are quite lovely. The way you describe her is full of this wonderful fondness coming from someone who cares about her deeply. The lines of 'sweetheart come true' were nice. It's like taking a dream or something you feel like you don't deserve, but you actually get it and it means so much to you.
Overall, this was really sweet. You are quite a romantic writer! This makes me really want to catch up on Williwaw! Keep writing
Your friend,
Ellie
Thanks Ellie. If you don't feel like you can manage all of Williwaw, my Local Tales of the World folder gas more poetry and short stories %uD83D%uDE01
Hello hello, I hope you don't mind me popping in with a quick review. This might be a little on the short side but I hope it will brighten your day and have some good feedback. Let's get into this sweeping tale of romance, shall we?
Overall I love the tone used in it, for the most part, it gives a very Pirates of the Caribbean-type vibes. It feels like a song that a crew might sing kind of like how they would with mermaids or selkies. The first thing I got from this is that there might be a bigger world or plot that I am unaware of. If this is the case I am sorry if I get anything wrong.
A second thing I deeply enjoyed is the fact that the reader is unsure whether it is a real person or the sea/land being spoken about. I could also see it being some sort of goddess however I am personally leaning towards the sea but the imagery can go both ways.
This line really stood out to me the imagery is just great. It gives off such an otherworldly feel kind of like how one might speak of Gaia or figure in her vain.
Now as for feedback I only one thing I want to point out. Keep in mind you don't have to take it if you don't want to. However, I feel there's a typo in one of your lines.
Now this could be a case of using accents to tell a story but I think you confused a word. None refers to nothing but the way the line is set up I think No One will fit better. ( If not that's fine but I confuse the spelling too)
( Maybe I am going insane if so don't mind me)
Regardless I enjoyed this almost shanty-like piece great job.
As always keep writing and drink water!
Hey! I did write this in many ways a sea shanty or ballad. Rael is a country in my WiP Williwaw, but the people their are quite romantic about their land (similar to Scottish songs and camaraderie) as for that one line, technically it's incorrect, but I just don't. Like the flow of no one, and as it's shanty in nature I think it's fits