Shaping Faith: Chapter 6, Part 1

by Mea

Colonel Ritter stopped talking. Analia had been staring at the screen, a bit vacantly, but the cessation of his voice made her snap out of it. She focused on him instead. He had just put a hand to his ear, as if he had heard something from his timepiece.

“Sorry, important notice,” he said, tapping some buttons on his timepiece. He paused to read the notice, and Analia saw his eyes grow wide. What had happened?

After a moment, Colonel Ritter straightened up. “Just, erm, a technical difficulty. Nothing to worry about. You’ll be informed of it soon.”

Whispers swept the group as each person speculated to their neighbor about what had happened. Rilee, one of Analia’s friends, leaned over to Analia and said “What do you think’s happened? Maybe the alarm system’s broken again.”

Analia smiled at the memory. The security alarm had started going off for no reason, sending everyone into a panic. “Nah, we’d have heard it in here,” she said.

“I bet it’s nothing serious,” she said. “You know how they always overreact.”

“Yeah,” said Analia, but she was still unconvinced. Colonel Ritter was hard to ruffle.

The colonel cleared his throat loudly. “That’s enough chatter. We will continue with the meeting.”

Analia tried to listen attentively to the requirements for the Crime Scene Forensics. They didn’t really surprise her – she had asked around and had already gotten a pretty good idea of what was expected.

Finally, Colonel Ritter dismissed everyone. Analia stood up, eager to get to lunch, but as she headed out, she was stopped by Colonel Ritter.

“That alarm, earlier,” he said. “Everyone will see it on the notice board when they go down to lunch, but I thought you might want to hear it from me first. It concerns your twin, Verona. You know her transfer was today?”

“Yes,” Analia said. Immediately, a million different possibilities rushed through her head. Had something gone wrong with the transfer? Maybe – her heart leapt – it turned out that Verona was innocent! “What happened?” she asked anxiously.

He hesitated. “She escaped. During the transfer. We think her Blocking ring was faulty. As soon as she stepped outside, she teleported away.”

Analia gaped at Colonel Ritter, instantly realizing that he was right. The wall between her thoughts and Verona’s had fallen. She hadn’t expected this. What were the chances?

“But – but she hasn’t turned up at any of the North Poles?”

The colonel shook his head.

“But she’s never been off-planet before – she shouldn’t be able to teleport anywhere but there,” Analia said, bewildered.

“We know,” Colonel Ritter said. “We think she had help. But we don’t know who helped her or why. If she contacts you, or if anything bleeds through your link, we’re trusting you to come to us right away. To be honest, this mishap is making our whole department look bad. We’ve got to find her soon. I don’t suppose you have any idea who might have helped her?”

Analia wavered. Her gut told her that Verona had gone with the Absolutes, but she wasn’t sure she wanted to tell them that. If they knew that she was a twin of an Absolute, they would put her under close scrutiny. And she still wasn’t entirely convinced that the Absolutes weren’t doing the right thing.

She made her decision. I can always tell them later. “No, none at all,” she said blankly.

The colonel nodded gravely. “Well, just keep your ears peeled. Dismissed.” He walked off.

“Yes, sir,” Analia said quietly, staring at his retreating figure.

Comments & reviews · 2
Note: You are not logged in, but you can still leave a comment or review. Before it shows up, a moderator will need to approve your comment (this is only a safeguard against spambots). Leave your email if you would like to be notified when your message is approved.

User avatar
Snazzy
Review
Snazzy wrote a review · Tue Nov 17, 2015 4:05 pm

Hi MeandBooks!
I don't remember me reviewing any of your works recently, (or at all), so I'm excited to give you this one! Since I haven't read any of the other chapters, I'm not going to rant on about the plot and 'stuff'. I might end up going back to read the entire thing if I have time though! ;) Now, on with the review! :D

What had happened?


This may just be me, but when any of my characters (or anyone else's characters) are thinking, or wondering something, I like to see it italicized. I don't think it's actually incorrect, but for me it makes it easier to "understand". :)

Whispers swept the group


I think it should be written as "whispers swept through the group", but also, this might be my preference in writing. ;)

scrutiny. And


I wouldn't start a sentence with and. Maybe you could combine the two sentences, or chose a different word (besides, also, etc. ).

Other Suggestions:
I also just want to warn you on the "said" thing. I thought at times you may have overused the word, but nothing too serious. Here's a little poster if you want some suggestions. https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/73 ... 83b985.jpg

Other than that, this is great! :D If I have any time, I'll definitely go and read the rest! Fabulous job with this, and keep writing!

~Snazzy
Stay awesome!

Thanks for the review!

User avatar
Carlito
Review
Carlito wrote a review · Tue Oct 06, 2015 9:29 pm

Hello! :D

General thoughts.
I really like that you have multiple POVs (of sorts) going on here. Both of these girls are so interesting and it adds a nice complexity to the plot. I feel like there's going to have to be some sort of show-down at some point between these two sides and I'm really excited that we as the reader get a front row seat to the action on both sides. It'll make a future show-down (if that were to happen) that much more exciting! :)

There were a couple of places where I thought things moved a little quickly or I thought you could expand a little, but I'll go into that in the specifics section. This part felt a little rushed to me. If you find yourself impatient to get to the "good stuff", then maybe just skip to the good stuff :p Maybe when the alarm goes off instead of everyone staying calm and going about their business (which is an interest insight into these characters and their organization) people freak out and the room has to be evacuated so the colonel can deal with the problem but on the way out he stops Analia to let her know it involves her twin. If that's not how you felt as you were writing this then no worries :)

One little detail I liked that I think added a lot to Analia's character development and the sister relationship development was when Analia thought for a second that her sister might be innocent and she indulged on that one glimmer of hope. Yesterday I read the add-in chapter where Analia is pretty upset with Verona and it feels like there's almost no hope for them. I liked this because it shows that deep down Analia does care about Verona and wants the best for her :) And I loooved little sneaky Analia there at the end!!

Specific thoughts.
Colonel Ritter stopped talking.[/quote]
Remind me where we are and what's going on? I know Analia is training, but I can't remember from where things left off with her where she is exactly. What kind of room is this and who all is there and what are they all doing?

Analia had been staring at the screen,

The what screen? I feel like you need a describing word before "screen" to show what the function of the screen is.

Nothing to worry about. You’ll be informed of it soon.”

Why can't he tell them right then?

Whispers swept the group as each person speculated to their neighbor about what had happened. Rilee, one of Analia’s friends, leaned over to Analia and said “What do you think’s happened? Maybe the alarm system’s broken again.”

This felt a little redundant to me. You tell us what the reaction is of kids in the class (which I like) but then you show us a reaction with similar language - "what had happened", "What do you think's happened?". Maybe take out the first thing Rilee says and stick with her actual reaction? I would also appreciate her tone and/or facial expression here to convey her feelings about this situation.

Analia smiled at the memory. The security alarm had started going off for no reason, sending everyone into a panic. “Nah, we’d have heard it in here,” she said.

When did this happen? And same here - tone and/or facial expression. This is something you could add to your dialogue throughout this section - more showing of thoughts and feelings.

“Yeah,” said Analia, but she was still unconvinced. Colonel Ritter was hard to ruffle.

This goes along with the showing more thoughts/feelings. I didn't know she was unconvinced until now. I didn't know she had any sort of negative feeling until now.

Analia tried to listen attentively to the requirements for the Crime Scene Forensics. They didn’t really surprise her – she had asked around and had already gotten a pretty good idea of what was expected.

Finally, Colonel Ritter dismissed everyone.

I like the telling of the first paragraph to pass the time, but I think the transition to the end of class (the second paragraph) moves too quickly. How much time goes by until the end of class? Does time feel like it's passing quickly or slowly? What is she thinking about or feeling? What happens when the class is dismissed? What do people do?

“What happened?” she asked anxiously.

Instead of the adverb, can you think of a way to show that she's anxious?

I think I've mentioned the whole showing thoughts and emotions things before, right? I think in some ways it's harder to do in third person, but you're a good enough writer that I know you can pull it off :) Try to think about painting us a picture and using your great describing things skills on people! (Easier said than done, I know :p)

Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing!



I’ll paraphrase Thoreau here... Rather than love, than money, than faith, than fame, than fairness, give me truth.
— Christopher Johnson McCandless