Verona pulled open the heavy front door of the Advanced Study Institute and ran full-pelt down the hallway. The sound of her feet pounding against the tiles disturbed the quiet, majestic aura that the arched ceiling, huge stained glass windows, and ornate staircase brought. Verona knew she was being rude, but she was already late. She glanced at her wrist, where the time was displayed above her watch in holographic letters only she could see, courtesy of the implants in her eye. Class had started five minutes ago. She couldn’t miss the final exam.
She hurried up the stairs and skidded around a corner, stopping in front of the classroom door, panting heavily. She paused for a moment to compose herself - it wouldn’t do to be all flustered - and stepped inside.
Compared to the antique hallways, it was like she had traveled five hundred years into the future. The lighting was soft without being dim. Around the edges stood all sorts of scientific equipment, humming slightly. In the center were three rows of desks facing the smartwall. About fifteen students stood in small groups around them, tapping and scrolling furiously through their techpads. Verona could tell they were doing some last-minute cramming. Good, they haven’t started yet, she thought.
She hurried to the teacher’s desk. “I’m so sorry I’m late,” she said breathlessly, “one of the trams was delayed at the station and I had to wait for it.”
Her teacher, a lovely woman named Oni Yeten, looked up from her techpad and smiled. “Don’t worry, it’s not a problem. I was just giving them some time to review before the exam. Why don’t you go relax for a moment? We’ll be starting soon.”
“Thank you, Shaper,” Verona said, sighing with relief.
However, Verona didn’t get a chance to relax. As soon as she sat down, she was accosted by Trask, who sat behind her.
“Hey, Verona,” he said, “can you explain Ignut’s Third Law of Transmutation? I was sick that day and you know how it is with textbook explanations.”
Verona rolled her eyes. Sick, my foot. More like hung over from partying. But she knew he would keep bugging her if she didn’t give him something.
“Fine, but I’m not explaining it to you. Here.” She pulled up the relevant notes on her techpad and handed it to him. He and his buddies bent over it, and Verona watched them with amusement. She had never seen Trask that focused on schoolwork. Meanwhile, his twin was one of the best students in the class. She wondered how they could ever get along. If her twin, Analia, acted like Trask, they would hate each other.
She leaned back in her sleek, comfortable office chair and glanced at the empty seat next to her. Where was Lani? It wasn’t like her friend to miss such an important exam. Come to think of it, Verona hadn’t seen her at all this morning. She’s probably just sick, she thought, but she could have at least messaged me.
Verona ran through the study guide in her head one more time. She thought she knew everything, but she couldn’t quench her nerves, so she decided to Shape something. That always calmed her down.
She pulled a misshapen piece of clay, wrapped in plastic, from her backpack and set it on the table. It was what she always used when she needed to relax. Right now, it was in the form of a slightly squished bowl from the last time she had Shaped it. She stared at it for a moment, then closed her eyes, opened the door in her head, and stepped into the Room of Shaping.
The noise of the students was suddenly cut off as the Room blossomed before her. She was almost completely disconnected from her body, her sight and hearing totally focused on the room. If she concentrated, she could feel the rim of her chair press into her back, but that was all.
The room was spacious and circular, the only door the one Verona had just come through. The ceiling arched over her head to form a dome. Tools of every craft she knew of lined the walls, hanging from various hooks or set on shelves or on the floor. If Verona knew what the tool did, its name, and how it looked, it was there somewhere.
The only noise was the quiet sound of Verona’s breathing. Some found the silence unnerving, but Verona never had. She luxuriated in the illusion of being alone, closing her eyes and letting herself utterly relax.
She moved to the center of the room, where the lump of clay she had focused on was sitting on top of a plain wooden table, and started kneading it with her hands. She always used clay when she was pleasure Shaping - it made her less tired because she didn’t have to fuss about with tools.
She broke a piece off and started forming a little cup, pausing occasionally to tuck a curl of short, black hair behind her ear. Inside a Room, she could appear however she wanted, as long as it was human. She usually didn’t change much. Her hair was naturally brown, but she kept it dyed black, and in the Rooms it appeared as naturally black. She did make herself a bit skinnier and more athletic, but the major change was getting rid of her glasses. She hated being nearsighted. When she was twenty-two, she would be old enough to get the surgery to fix it, and she couldn’t wait. Just one more year...
She shaped a long, narrow stem and attached it to the cup, forming a simple goblet. She started smoothing everything out, making the cup uniformly thick and the stem sturdy enough to support the goblet’s weight. As she worked, the stress of the upcoming exam lifted.
At last, Verona stepped back and eyed the goblet critically. It was good enough.
She left the Room and her mind plunged back to reality, all her senses sharp again, the noise of the students assaulting her ears. On her desk sat the lump of clay, now a fully formed goblet, ready to be fired. She wrapped it carefully and put it back in her bag. The wrapping would stop the clay from drying out. She had only spent the equivalent of ten minutes on the goblet, so it didn’t make her very tired. In real time, only a few seconds had passed.
Just then, Verona heard a familiar voice in her head. It was Analia, speaking to her mind to mind through the connection everyone shared with their twin.
/Did you make it to class on time?/ she asked. /I heard about the tram running late./
/I was a couple minutes late, but it wasn’t a problem. Shaper Yeten is nice like that./ Verona replied. Of course she didn’t speak the exact words in her mind - it was the general sentiment that went through. She had always thought it was similar to the sensation of getting so absorbed in a book that you didn’t register the actual words, only their meaning.
/That’s good./ Analia said. There was an awkward pause. Verona thought she could detect a slight coolness in Analia’s tone, but after their argument yesterday evening, she was just glad they were on speaking terms again. She resolved not to bring the matter up for a while. But by the three gods, if she doesn’t change her mind, I’ll have to do something.
Shaper Yeten’s calm voice cut cleanly through the general din. “It’s time to get started. Please take your seats.” She started handing out the dampeners, little metal circlets that cut off the wearer’s telepathic ability temporarily. You could still sense your twin’s emotions, but you couldn’t talk to each other. They were used for most tests, to prevent cheating. These ones only blocked telepathy and technological implants, but there were others that blocked Moving and Shaping. The most powerful could completely cut off the connection to your twin, but thankfully those were banned except for limited military training.
/I’ve got to go, she’s handing out the dampers./ Verona sent.
/Good luck. I’ll meet you down by the cafeteria so we can leave for lunch with Mom together./
/Okay./
Verona put on the damper and accepted the test handed to her. Despite using their techpads for taking notes, they usually used paper for worksheets and tests - it made for fewer technical difficulties and less cheating.
Please, Nizana, god of Balance, I studied for this test for hours. Help me do well. Verona swallowed nervously, bent over the page, and started writing.
It seems this chapter has been reviewed thoroughly, and its author said she isn't currently working on it, so I'll just leave a comment and run.
Why does Verona have both eye implants and glasses? Are such implants common, unique to her, or something else? I remember reading that Captain Kirk wore reading glasses because he was allergic to contacts, so this is a little confusing.
Perhaps it could be the glasses that enable Verona to read her watch? Just a suggestion.
Hi Meandbooks, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day. 
Chapter Plot: So this story sounds like it's going to be a teenage school story based in a fantasy realm. I'm really interested to see how this goes. You've already introduced some interesting things like the dampers, the telepathic abilities and other things that I have know idea what they are yet like the Shaping, Moving and Twins. I look forward to finding out what those things are. I think for a first chapter this was good. You put in a lot of world building information and introduced me to some of the characters.
Characters: Now for the characters. Verona seems to be a nice person. She has a good attitude towards this school that she's at and helps other people. I don't really know much about the characters yet, but so far I defiantly like them and look forward to learning more about them.
Description: And onto the description. The description through out your piece was lovely and some of the best I've seen in a while. The first paragraph was a perfect introduction to the story and instantly gave me a clear picture of what the school looks like. I really can't fault your description.
Grammar and Punctuation: The same goes for your grammar and punctuation.
Sorry for the short review. It's just that you've already got a whole lot of helpful reviews and I just couldn't find anything wrong with this. Overall this was a great first chapter and I'll get to the next one as soon as I can. Never stop writing and I hope you have a great day\night.
Your friend, Felistia.
P.s When you post new chapters could you please let me know.
Hello, Meandbooks! I would like to say congratulations on completing RevMo. Artemis here to review!
Okay, let's begin. The first sentence is fine, very descriptive. All but one thing. I wouldn't use "full-pelt" to describe running as fast as you can. I suggest you change the wording?
"Verona pulled open the heavy front door of the Advanced Study Institute and ran full-pelt down the hallway."
I love how this is in the future! At least, I assumed it to be. This is completely cool. I also enjoy the fact that there are different gods now, including the one that you mentioned in the end of the chapter. This was amazing.
To sum it all up, there were no mistakes except for one word choice. You did a very good job on writing this, and it was a terrific read. And again, you did a stupendous job. (Look at me, using all these dramatic words. 
)
Good work and keep writing, Meandbooks!
-Artemis28
Darn - I've just seen you edited chapter 1 already! Apologies. I will get to this soon. <3
Big improvement here, nice job! I'm going to read the rest of the chapters you've written then just review the last one because otherwise I'm never going to catch up today (too much homework and school doesn't even start until tomorrow). xP
Hello! I decided I'm going to read your LMS as you go because I'm impatient :p. BUT, I'm still going to read as a reader first and an editor second (like what I had you do for Captive). So I'll read each chapter as you post them and give my general comments as a reader and then put my editing hat on and do what I feel is necessary. Cool?
I'm starting here rather than the other chapter one because this is marked as the edited version. But if you'd like me to read the other chapter one as well, I can go back and do that.
Oh, and I'll make this my entry for the big review.
Thoughts as a reader.
I thought this was an interesting opening. I liked that you brought us right into the world with lots of little details and pieces of information. For the most part, it didn't read overly info-dumpy (which is good). But to me, there were times when I thought you started to toe that line. I'll point that out in a later section
I thought the introduction of your MC was interesting. I don't have an overly strong sense of her personality or who she is yet (but this is very early). I liked how you wove in what she looks like and how old she is. I thought that was really creative and worked well in the story.
I'm trying to wrap my head around all of the characters that were mentioned:
-The MC
-the boy that asks for her notes
-the teacher
-the friend that isn't there
-the person she was telepathically communicating with
I can't remember a single name (aside from the MC). Again, this is early, and I'll remember their names later if they're important. I might talk about this again later.
As for the world - I don't read a lot of SF/F, so this could be due to my own ineptitude reading this genre, but parts of the world and the way it was presented, confused me. There's a lot to wrap my head around early on. I know I said that I liked that you put us right into the world, and that's true, I really do. But there's still a lot to get used to in the world.
Let me know if there's anything else you'd like my thoughts on from a general/reader perspective
Editing thoughts.
Verona pulled open the heavy front door of the Advanced Study Institute and ran full-pelt down the hallway.
The sound of her feet pounding against the tiles disturbed the quiet, majestic aura that the arched ceiling, huge stained glass windows, and ornate staircase brought.
Verona knew she was being rude, but she was already late.
She glanced at her wrist, where the time was displayed above her watch in holographic letters only she could see, courtesy of the implants in her eye.
Class had started five minutes ago. She couldn’t miss the final exam.
She paused for a moment to compose herself - it wouldn’t do to be all flustered - and stepped inside.
Around the edges stood all sorts of scientific equipment, humming slightly.
tapping and scrolling furiously through their techpads. Verona could tell they were doing some last-minute cramming.
Good, they haven’t started yet, she thought.
Why don’t you go relax for a moment?
“Thank you, Shaper,” Verona said, sighing with relief.
However, Verona didn’t get a chance to relax. As soon as she sat down, she was accosted by Trask, who sat behind her.
Verona rolled her eyes. Sick, my foot. More like hung over from partying. But she knew he would keep bugging her if she didn’t give him something.
Meanwhile, his twin was one of the best students in the class. She wondered how they could ever get along. If her twin, Analia, acted like Trask, they would hate each other.
It was what she always used when she needed to relax.
The noise of the students was suddenly cut off as the Room blossomed before her. She was almost completely disconnected from her body, her sight and hearing totally focused on the room. If she concentrated, she could feel the rim of her chair press into her back, but that was all.
She luxuriated in the illusion of being alone,
She moved to the center of the room, where the lump of clay she had focused on was sitting on top of a plain wooden table, and started kneading it with her hands.
She always used clay when she was pleasure Shaping - it made her less tired because she didn’t have to fuss about with tools.
Thewrapping would stop the clay from drying out.
She had only spent the equivalent of ten minutes on the goblet, so it didn’t make her very tired. In real time, only a few seconds had passed.
Just then, Verona heard a familiar voice in her head. It was Analia, speaking to her mind to mind through the connection everyone shared with their twin.
/Did you make it to class on time?/ she asked. /I heard about the tram running late./
/I was a couple minutes late, but it wasn’t a problem. Shaper Yeten is nice like that./ Verona replied. Of course she didn’t speak the exact words in her mind - it was the general sentiment that went through. She had always thought it was similar to the sensation of getting so absorbed in a book that you didn’t register the actual words, only their meaning.
/That’s good./ Analia said. There was an awkward pause. Verona thought she could detect a slight coolness in Analia’s tone, but after their argument yesterday evening, she was just glad they were on speaking terms again. She resolved not to bring the matter up for a while. But by the three gods, if she doesn’t change her mind, I’ll have to do something.
You could still sense your twin’s emotions, but you couldn’t talk to each other.
These ones only blocked telepathy and technological implants, but there were others that blocked Moving and Shaping. The most powerful could completely cut off the connection to your twin, but thankfully those were banned except for limited military training.
Really not a lot of plot has happened yet (but this is only the first part of the chapter so I'll let that slide :p). But you have really nice descriptions and some nice character and world development (which I've already mentioned). And overall your style and writing mechanics are good So I'll leave things there for now. Heyo! Flite here for a review, I saw the second chapter in the green room and thought I'd start from the first. Anyways, here I am.
I think Wolfe have pointed this out already but I'll just say a bit on it. This was a problem that I found throughout the chapter, I'll just use the starting paragraph for example.
Verona pulled open the heavy front door of the Advanced Study Institute and ran full-pelt down the hallway. The sound of her feet pounding against the tiles disturbed the quiet, majestic aura that the arched ceiling, huge stained glass windows, and ornate staircase brought. Verona knew she was being rude, but she was already late. She glanced at her wrist, where the time was displayed above her watch in holographic letters only she could see, courtesy of the implants in her eye. Class had started five minutes ago. She couldn’t miss the final exam.
The lighting was soft without being dim.
Her teacher, a lovely woman named Oni Yeten, looked up from her techpad and smiled. “Don’t worry, it’s not a problem. I was just giving them some time to review before the exam. Why don’t you go relax for a moment? We’ll be starting soon.”
“Thank you, Shaper,” Verona said, sighing with relief.
She thought she knew everything, but she couldn’t quench her nerves, so she decided to Shape something. That always calmed her down.
he stared at it for a moment, then closed her eyes, opened the door in her head, and stepped into the Room of Shaping.
The noise of the students was suddenly cut off as the Room blossomed before her.
Hey Hey, here to review this as well.
First in foremost.
I was sick that day and you know how it is with textbook explanations.”
The room was spacious and circular, the only door the one Verona had just come through.
She always used clay when she was pleasure Shaping - it made her less tired because she didn’t have to fuss about with tools.
On her desk sat the lump of clay, now a fully formed goblet, ready to be fired.
Hello again, Meandbooks! I'm here for The Big Review review. Let's get started!
(Also, please excuse any typos as I am on a tablet :3)
I must say that I really like this edited version much more than the original, which is what editing is for, isn't it? What's nice here is that you've slowed things down and focused on scene and showed us a lot of your world so we're engaged and interested in what kind of conflict will happen. More gushing later ~
First thing, in the beginning I do like that you took some time to describe some of the surroundings while still instating the sense of panic that would happen because, well, she's late. However, there were some parts where there was too much crammed into one sentence, especially in the first paragraph. Images and descriptions are good to go into detail with, yes, but space it out over a couple lines, because otherwise the sentence becomes convoluted and hard to follow.
For example:
The sound of her feet pounding against the tiles disturbed the quiet, majestic aura that the arched ceiling, huge stained glass windows, and ornate staircase brought.
But by the three gods, if she doesn’t change her mind, I’ll have to do something.
"I was just giving them some time to review before the exam. Why don’t you go relax for a moment?" -- Shaper Yeten
I'll try to make that clearer.
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