An hour later, Verona left the classroom feeling relieved. The exam hadn’t been nearly as bad as she feared, and she was confidant she had at least passed. She hurried to the cafeteria, a large, noisy room filled with students lined up at various food dispensers. She and Analia were going to head downtown for lunch with their mother and church afterwards. But Analia wasn’t there.
/Where are you? I’m at the cafeteria,/ Verona sent.
/I’ll be there in a bit. Class ran over./
Verona decided to take advantage of the delay to practice sketching people, which she wasn’t very good at yet. She sat down at the table closest to the door and pulled her sketchbook out of her bag. A folded piece of paper fell out. It looked as if it had been torn from her sketchbook. That was odd. Frowning, Verona picked it up and unfolded it. It was a letter, and she could immediately tell that the handwriting was Lani’s. She scanned the page quickly, eyes widening in horror.
Verona,
I am sorry to tell you like this, but I am leaving at last. I have made contact with the Arbitrators and I’m going with them. I won’t say how, in case this letter falls into the wrong hands. I’m so excited. I’m finally going to fight for Justice! I’ll miss you, though. I wish I could have persuaded you to join me. I don’t know when I’ll be able to see you again.
There is one way you can contact me, but you can only use it once. I have left a dropbox on a secure interweb platform. The username is freedomgirl500gmn and the password is 12596902935094. You can use it to send me a message, but you can only use it once. From this day on, if anyone logs into it or hacks it, the entire dropbox will delete itself after half an hour. That should give you enough time to send me a message, and then it will be destroyed before the police can trace it.
Please only use it in a dire emergency. My superiors will not be happy to know that I have potentially compromised their location, and they will be even less happy if your message is frivolous.
I only ask one thing - please don’t give this message to the police. In fact, don’t tell anyone about this. They shouldn’t be able to find me, but I don’t want my parents to know that I’ve joined the Arbitrators. You know how they are. Let them just think I’ve gone missing. It’ll be for the best.
I have to go now. Good luck with your exams. I know you’ll do just fine. I wish I could be there to see you graduate. Don’t let Trask bother you too much.
Love,
Lani
Verona stared at the letter for a minute, hardly comprehending it. She had never expected this. Sure, Lani had always spoken eagerly of finding the Arbitrators, but she had assumed it to be idle fancy. All Nirvanists had heard the rumors, of course - the benevolent Arbitrators, working to establish absolute justice through the law, so that when each person stood before Nirvana their life would have been as just as possible. The great vigilantes. Verona wanted to help them too, but not like this, running away, cutting herself off from friends and family, and ruining her education.
Her shock was interrupted by Analia, tapped her on the shoulder. Verona hadn’t noticed her arrival. “What’s wrong?” Analia had of course felt Verona’s surge of emotion.
Verona handed her the paper wordlessly. It never occurred to her that Lani’s request to tell no one would extend to Analia.
Analia read it in silence, her face twisting in odd emotions before settling on astonishment. Finally, she gave the note back to Verona.
“Wow.”
“Is that all you’re going to say?” asked Verona.
“What else is there to say?” She shook her head. “I’m sorry. I know you’ll miss her.”
“I just can’t believe she’s gone, just like that. She didn’t say anything to me.”
Verona felt a flash of anger from her twin, though it wasn’t directed at her. Analia put a comforting hand on her shoulder.
“Let’s go. Mom will be waiting.”
They walked to the tram station in silence. Verona knew Analia was chewing on something, but she didn’t say anything. It wouldn’t be long before the brown-haired girl spit it out. Sure enough, as they were nearing the station, Analia could contain herself no longer.
“I suppose you’re proud of her, but I think it was outright cruel for her to leave without telling anybody.” The words burst from her in a rush. “And what’s more, it’s foolish. She’s abandoning her education and making herself a fugitive all for ‘achieving Justice.’”
Verona agreed it was cruel, but the second remark was too much. “Why won’t you support her? They’re establishing balance in the world! Don’t you care about that? I’d do anything to help.”
“No you wouldn’t,” Analia said. “Not if it meant giving up Shapology.”
Verona was taken aback. Secretly, she knew it was true, but the remark still hurt. Analia seemed to realize she had gone too far.
“Look, I’m sorry. I know you want Justice just as much as Lani. But I’m not so sure about all that anymore. ”
They were back to yesterday’s argument. Suddenly, the bright sun overhead didn’t seem to be quite so warm.
“But how? How can you not want Justice? There’s so much unfairness in the world and in the government - don’t you want all that fixed? That’s what they’re trying to do!” Verona knew she was re-hashing an old point, but she just didn’t understand where Analia was coming from.
“Of course I want Justice, but what about mercy?” Analia pressed. “Isn’t there a place for that?”
They were inside the station now, swiping their datacards and waiting with the crowd for their tram.
Verona switched to mindspeech so the others wouldn’t hear, but both she and Analia hid the nuances of their emotions. /You know there is. If in doubt - err on the side of mercy and Nirvana won’t count it against you./
/I know, I know, just sometimes I think their policies are too harsh./
/They aren’t the church’s policy, they’re Nirvana’s!/
/But what if - what if, maybe, it’s not true? What if they’re wrong and they aren’t Her policies? Or what if She doesn’t even exist?/
Verona stared at her twin in shock - Analia had expressed her doubts, but she had never gone this far. She could feel her twin’s anxiety, the need to be understood, not dismissed or condemned. Of course Verona didn't condemn her, but it was just so unexpected. She didn’t know what to do, so she said nothing.
/Look,/ Analia said, a wave of desperation accompanying her words, /it’s not like I’m an atheist now. I just need some time to think through things ask questions, study the Yirvna for answers. I’ll figure it out in time./
Verona was sure Analia’s doubts ran deeper than that, but she accepted the olive branch for what it was. She nodded.
/I don’t want us to fight. I promise I won’t bother you about this while you’re still not sure. But if you need my help, please tell me./
/Thank you./
They turned the conversation to other matters, but Verona couldn't help feeling that a wall had risen between them.
Thad just gotten on the tram and settled in a seat when a message blinked above Verona’s wrist. She played it.
An official-looking woman in a business suit appeared on the screen. “Verona Sheif, we regret to inform you that Pami Sheif, your mother, has passed away. We express our deepest condolences. For more details, please go to your local crematory. Other members of your family will gather there as well.”
The message ended. Verona stared at the screen. Could it be a hoax? O Nirvana, please let it be a hoax, she thought. A surge of alarm washed over her and mingled with her own. It was Analia’s. Verona turned her head and met Analia’s shocked face. The pit of her stomach dropped.
/You got the message too?/ Verona sent. Analia just nodded, face white.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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125,006 Literary Works • 672,809 Reviews
Hi Meandbooks, Felistia here with a review for you on this wonderful day.
Who are the Arbitrators? You say that they serve justice, but against what. You haven't really shown any problems regarding justice.Chapter plot: Okay so the plot of this story is starting to kick in and we already have problem regarding Verona's mother and her friend. I didn't think there was as much world building in this chapter and there were a few things that I was confused about.
[quote]They aren’t the church’s policy, they’re Nirvana’s
So, first of all, a spelling error. I'm sure many people have commented on this one, but... "confidant" should be "confident."
"The exam hadn’t been nearly as bad as she feared, and she was confidant she had at least passed."
Also, I'm not sure if this was a mistake or not, but there's a comma after the telepathic message. Was that intentional?
"/Where are you? I’m at the cafeteria,/ Verona sent."
Okay, this may sound trivial to you, but when Lani signs off in her letter, I think it looks kind of weird. The name is all smushed up against the side, and it doesn't look right. Sure, this is a frivolous request, but can you move it to the left a little?
I have one last nitpick at the end. I felt that the ending wasn't rounded off. Maybe you could end it with something that finishes it, and signifies to the reader it's actually the end.
Otherwise, good job! Just like the last one, I really loved this chapter. You just write so well. You deserve a featured work for one of these chapters. I--I can't do this anymore.
-Artemis28
Hey!! My goal is to get all caught up on this story today or tomorrow
(And let's do this one for the big review contest.)
Same deal as last time! (And I didn't read the other reviews, so my apologies if I repeat something).
Thoughts as a reader.
Just like in the last part, I love that you took us right into the story and got us right into the world and action. I have to read on because there's so much conflict. There's the stuff with Lani and everything about the Arbitrators and then the mom dies right away! (I feel like there's some sort of conspiracy or bigger plot thing going on with the mom dying...) And there are so many interesting world things that I really want to know more about. I enjoyed this part more than the first part - probably because there were less new world things and I know a little bit about the characters and what's going on now.
A couple of things I'm wondering/thinking about before I get into my real editing thoughts.
1. The twin stuff. I know I mentioned this in the last part, and I'm pretty sure I thought it was confusing the way it was introduced. I think you could play around with how you introduce it. I like that we meet the twin in this part and see their dynamic. I get that the twin would want to wish her luck and say the things she said in the previous part. So what I'm thinking is that you could keep that and just mention that it's her twin, but not explain that connection or that everyone has a twin. Then we meet the twin, and more details about what the twin thing means and is can come out slowly in other chapters. (Not sure if that made sense). Play around with how you introduce it and explain it to avoid the onslaught of information about the world in that first part. It wasn't an info-dump or anything, but I was a little lost with all of the world things I had to keep track of. (But that was mostly the first part and I already talked about that so moving on :p).
2. The genre/setting. This is SF/F, and I'm wondering if this is dystopian or post-apocalyptic or futuristic or something else. There are some similarities to the world as we know it, but it seems more advanced and definitely different. It's a pretty minor thing, and I'm sure it'll become more apparent with time, I was just curious
Editing thoughts.
Slashed because it's not necessary. We know what a cafeteria is. You could add a sentence about what she observes if you want. Something like "she sees [description of amount] of students lined up for [something. more descriptive than "various food dispensers"]." (Only prettier than that :p)
I think you left out a few words. I think it should read "and go to church".
Throughout this letter you do a combo of contractions and not. Personally, I would stick with mostly contractions because not using contractions sounds too formal to me.
I would add a "but" here. I think it would make it flow better because there's kind of a switch in tone. She worried about the consequences of the letter falling into the wrong hands, but she's so excited to leave.
You could do "....the wrong hands, but I'm so excited." OR "...the wrong hands. But I'm so excited!"
Who is Trask?
(Was that the guy that asked for her notes in the last part?)
I'm not sure if "comprehending" is the right word. She seems to have understood the letter just fine. I feel like she's struggling to accept it or believe it.
I think the bold part is worded funny.
If the Nirvanist's plans are just rumors, why would Verona be eager to join up? Why does she want to join up? And why would Lani leave and join up? How would she know where to go or what to do if they're just rumors.
The slashed part didn't feel necessary to me.
What does that look like exactly?
I'm curious about the tone here and throughout the rest of this dialogue.
How far of a walk? How did they get there? How long does it take? This doesn't have to be super long or involved, but I'd like a little more information about this transition.
I took the "chewing on something" literally and was very confused. Maybe experiment with different expressions. And how does she know that? Are their clues, or is this an opportunity to give a brief explanation about something relating to the twin stuff?
Eh, I wasn't a fan of the part in bold. It felt like a weak, awkward transition. You could get much simpler with the transition like "But as they were nearing", "As they approached the station...", "The station in sight, Analia...", "When the station was in sight..." something like that?
But she said the same thing earlier. She likes the Justice ideas, but she doesn't think it's worth giving up her education. She obviously wouldn't do anything to help otherwise she would have done the same thing as Lani.
How did she realize this? Was it a look on Verona's face? The emotions coming from Verona? Her own reflection on what she said?
I didn't think this was necessary. Yesterday's argument? It's some insight into their relationship knowing that they've argued about this before, but it's phrased in such was way that it sounds like we're supposed to know about yesterday's argument.
And then the second sentence just didn't do much for me. I think this little paragraph is distracting from the dialogue that's happening. (It's good, insightful dialogue!)
If Justice is capitalized, shouldn't "mercy" be as well? It seems like this is the counterpart of "Justice".
Same thing here with "mercy".
Who is "their"?
Female god! Love it!
I think this is reference to the past, right? I think it should read "...expressed her doubts before, but..."
Comma after "things".
Why/how is she sure?
Huh?
Good writing, exciting plot, great dialogue, and I'm getting to know your characters better
Let me know if you have any questions or if anything I said was confusing! (And if you want me to elaborate anywhere, let me know!)
Hey there Meandbooks! Sorry I'm so late, but I'm here for that The Big Review review that's due ~ I have read previous reviews, but so may repeat things other have said if I can expand on it. Also, excuse any typos as I am typing this on a phone :3
First thing! I feel like a lot is starting to build up on Verona at this point in time. First her best friend leaves, then this whole thing with her sister and then her mother dying. It all seems like so much for poor little Verona to under go. And while it may not be too much for a chapter, we're still just getiting to know her and her sister. As Flite pointed out, we don't know a lot about the pair yet because we've only seen them with one another.
So why should all of this come as a shock to us? Why should we care about this stuff happening? Why should I read on?
Also, it makes sense that the twins are similar because, well, they're twins, but I can't really get a grasp on how they differ. Personality-wise. Of course, there is a conflict between their believes, but what about how they act? It may help to go on and define each on as an individual with their various traits, and while I realize it's only the first chapter, they can seem sort of jumbled. Just look out for that.
(Sorry if this is seeming so scattered xD Hopefully it makes some sense.)
Another point that I was thinking revolves around this exhange:
So, I couldn't understand why anything Annilia said at this point was so offensive to Verona. And this is probably stemming from the fact that I don't really understand the Arbitraitors. From the likes of them, they don't seem like a horrible group, and Verona seems fond of them, almost. But then the letter from Lani implies that her parents -- and thus others -- would not approve of this choice. So, what gives? Is this world focused on religion or not? Because from the way Verona acts from Annalia's believes, it seems like it is. But this group seems to focus around the religion. Some clarification is in order xD
Sorry that this was short and scattered, but I don't have much else to say. I'm enjoying the progress and I'm eager to see what goes on next!
Keep on writing,
~Wolfe
Hi, I'm back.
Let's get to it.
Small typo there, confidant should be confident. Again with the descriptions of the cafeteria,this time I found an article that gives you an in-depth explanation on how to write good descriptions.
Are the // really needed for the messages? It's another personal preference but having those / / there somehow disrupts the reading experience. I mean most readers would know when they're telepathing as oppose to internal thoughts. But it's your choice, ultimately.
Regarding Lani's letter to Verona, several things. If this message is really so important, wouldn't Lani find some other way to tell her other than writing in her sketchbook? I mean a sketchbook isn't exactly the most secure way, anyone can just reach into the bag and take it. And given that it contains a password and username, I just found it strange that she choose to write it in her sketchbook.
Chunky sentence flow there. I would rearrange it so that it forms something like this. 'A tap on her shoulder snapped her out of the shock. Of course, it was Analia.'
The dialogue between the twins need some tweaking, at the moment what you have here is a criss-cross between direct ask-and-answer and talking heads. Which makes your dialogue quite flat, it carries information across but no emotion. No emotion, the readers can't relate to the characters. This article gives you a good explanation on writing dialogue with emotion.
Another thought for you to chew on, when the twins are communicating via their minds. It's hard to distinguish who is who and it's even harder to examine the emotion behind it unless you put some kind of tag. So here, you're going to have to clever and pick your words carefully. Sometimes, though remember. A period of silence will say and convey more than several sentences.
The telepathic message seemed somewhat redundant to me and robs the moment away. Since Analia was Verona's twin, and both of them have those techpads. Isn't it safe to assume that both of them would have gotten the message. What's more, you have the obvious case of showing and telling here, side by side. On one hand, Verona asked Analia. On the other, you showed the Analia's face is white. Often associated with terror or shock. So my point is, in a situation where show and tell has the same meaning. Go for the show.
So, we finally get some action in this chapter. Their mother have passed away due to some reason, Verona's best friend has ran off to join a group of justice fighters. And I'm still quite confused, my sense of this world is fragmented. I've mentioned this in chapter one, you say one thing but don't expand on it. There seem to be conflict between two religions here, or government system but we're not given any clue as to what those two systems are like.
Clue us in on the world, you need to start doing this now. Taste, smell, architecture.
With Verona and Analia, I'm still not getting a very good sense of their personality, partially because so far that's the only interaction I've seen between those two. So try and make them interact with others, slow down a bit, let them talk.
I hope I've helped in some ways, if you want clarification on certain comments I've made. Please don't hesitate to PM me.
-Flite
Hey Hey it's me again. A thought just came to me. Ignore what I said on Chapter 2 pt. 1 about it not being long enough. I just realized (yeah I'm that slow) that it's just PART 1, not a whole chapter. Sorry mind works slow sometimes.
SO first and foremost.
I just copied the last paragraph so I could show you now 'Love, Lani' was. I hoped it works, but anyway. Yeah, too far over, but I have a feeling you know that and are trying fix that little probo.
Meh, there's just something with this part that is making me scratch my head.
'so that when each person that? stood before Nirvana, their life would have been??? as just as possible.
The part with the question marks are what I want you to really focus on, well the second one with the most marks anyway. I know it's correct, but there's an alternate. Maybe 'their life would be as just as possible.' With the way you have it, it seems as though no matter what the person, with the injustice being done to them, dies. I don't believe that's the message you are trying to send, but that's what my brain is picking up.
:NOTE, I do blame my brain for ALL my troubles.
I love this metaphor (I hope this was a metaphor or otherwise I'm slower than I thought).
'Analia couldn't contain herself any longer' OR 'Analia could no longer contain herself.'
Can you clear up some confusion for me? Why the -err part?
Oh and when the switch to mindspeech, you should make it a little clearer on who speaks first. Some may get it but others will have trouble until you get to the part where Verona looks at her twin and all. Oh and in that same paragraph, maybe put ... before 'unexpected'. Because if it was unexpected, I feel there should be a pause there.
'I just need some time to think through things, ask questions, and study the Yirvna for answers.'
'They had just gotten'
I knew it. I knew while they were going to meet their mother she'd have the wreck. Well only because I read chapter 2 then 1 first. But anyway, I liked this part very much. The religion I question because it makes me even the curious about it and want to learn as well. I can't wait to read more now. So keep writing this, again, it's worth reading.
~Sharrae out, tottles