A/N: Okay, so the first part of this is actually supposed to be in last week's chapter. But I wanted to make sure you all read it so I stuck it here. Also, the second scene is broken up solely for length.
Analia talked to Egrand in his office the next day, expressing her willingness to help, but uncertainty that she would be able to retain her job. One-on-one, the man was much less intimidating than when he gave one of his speeches. In fact, once she told him why she was there, he was downright friendly.
“I’m glad you’ve decided to pitch in,” he said, rubbing his hands eagerly. “For a while, I was worried, but that’s all behind us now.”
“The problem is, I just got my officer’s badge. I’ve sworn to protect the peace,” said Analia. “They aren’t going to take kindly to me speaking out and leading protests. I’ll be out faster than you can say ‘shoot’. My whole career, well, shot.”
Egrand tugged at his short salt-and-pepper beard. “You’re absolutely right, of course. They shouldn’t care about your private opinions, but they wouldn't like you making a fuss… I think I have a job for you.” He scrutinized her closely.
“What?” Analia demanded.
“I’m trying to decide if you’re committed enough,” said Egrand frankly. “This isn’t a job that can be done halfway, and it may be years before you see true results.”
“Of course I’m committed,” Analia said, stung by the accusation. Just because it had taken her a while to get there didn’t mean she wasn’t dedicated now.
Egrand accepted her insistence. He motioned to a chair. “Sit down. I’ll tell you what you have to do.”
Half an hour later, Analia bade farewell to Egrand and slipped out the door. As it closed softly behind her, only one thought ran through her mind. I’m going to be a spy.
She would have expected to be nervous, but instead she was excited. If she was honest with herself, she never wanted to take part in the rallying and protesting the rest of the church was doing. Analia had seen people protesting all her life, but things rarely changed. It seemed to her an inefficient method at best. The government just didn’t care enough.
But from the inside…I could change things, I really could. Even if it takes years.
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Chapter 13
“And…fire!” the instructor called. Verona sighted along the lasergun and pulled the trigger, aiming at a human cutout fifty feet down the shooting range. Beside her, fourteen other bright yellow lances of energy shot across the space. Each one made a soft pinging sound, combining to form an odd, tuneless melody as they fired at slightly different times. Verona’s shot drilled a neat hole in her cutout’s right shoulder. Verona smiled, glad she had hit the target at all.
“You’re so good at this,” Merea said, looking wistfully at her own unmarked cutout.
“Not as good as Kyle,” Verona laughed. It was true – Kyle’s cutout stood at a hundred feet, and it was dotted with holes.
“I’ve had a lot more practice than you,” he said shortly. “Still, you’re pretty good – it’s only been what, three weeks?”
“Three and a half,” Verona said. She had been keeping track of the days on her timepiece. In that time, she had spent most of her time with Kyle and Merea, been promoted to coordinator in the Shaping hall, and still hadn’t seen Lani once.
Instead of calling the next round, the instructor motioned for everyone to put away their laserguns. Verona elbowed Kyle. “It’s time!”
As a group, the dozen or so initiates followed the instructor through the corridors to a part of the base they had never seen before. An elevator took them up, up, higher than they had ever been in the base. The doors opened on a hallway that looked much like the others, except for one thing. It had windows. They were on the surface!
Verona had known the match would take place on the surface, having watched vids of other initiates playing, but the weeks of living underground had rendered sunlight hardly more than a magical memory. Beside her, Merea looked just as excited, craning her neck to try to see through the windows.
The teams were read aloud and the group split. The hallway enclosed the circular arena, with doors leading in at equidistant points. By some bizarre stroke of luck, she, Kyle, and Merea were all on the same team. They headed to their starting point and suited up.
A clock overhead ticked down the time until start. Verona realized she was holding her breath and let it out in a rush. “Ready?” she asked.
“Ready,” Kyle said, smirking. Merea hovered behind them, nervous. Their team was armed with training guns meant to simulate laserguns. The shots were harmless, but if one hit them, they were out. In addition, they had two blunt daggers hidden in their sleeves. Embedded in the other team’s uniforms were sensors, hidden at strategic points. If they stabbed one of them with a dagger, it counted as an out.
The opposing team was armed with laserguns and stun batons – the weapons of police officers. Verona could just see them from where she crouched behind the door to the arena. Their job was to stop Verona’s team from making it to the rendezvous point – using any means necessary. Although the game wasn’t over until everyone on her team either made it to the goal or got out, as long as one person made it, it counted as a win. At least the other team wouldn’t know where the rendezvous was.
Each team member wore a headset to keep in touch with one another and a launcher to climb buildings. There were five of them in total: Verona, Kyle, and Merea joined by a pair of lanky twins, Pren and Nirn. They were outnumbered – the “police” team had ten people.
The starting bell sounded. Kyle entered first, scanning the perimeter for enemies. Verona followed him, screwing up her eyes against the sun.
We’re outside! She resisted the urge to spin around, laughing. The arena was supposed to simulate a city block, complete with narrow, paved streets and buildings towering overhead. It wasn’t a real city – the buildings were empty husks, no more than two stories tall, but it was a good enough copy. And it was too large to put underground. So for the first time in nearly a month, Verona breathed fresh air.
“Stay with me, guys,” Kyle said. “Remember, keep to the shadows. And stick together.” His voice crackled over her headset, echoing his real voice.
Verona nodded and forced her attention back to sweeping the area for hostiles. The group kept close together, moving as one. The day was warm, the sun shining brightly overhead. She wiped sweat off her forehead.
“Pren,” Kyle said. “Got the location?”
He nodded. “Northguard St, building 104. On the other side of the arena.”
“Everyone have a map?” he asked. They all responded affirmatively. Verona pulled up hers and scanned it, mentally planning a route.
“Good,” he said. “Okay, here’s the plan. Once we’re spotted and we know reinforcements are coming, scatter. Split into in groups of two and make your way to the base. I’ll go with Merea.”
“Pren and I stay together,” Nirn said. His tone brokered no argument.
“Fair enough,” Kyle said. “Verona – I guess you can come with us.”
“Who elected you leader?” Verona asked, only half-joking. The plan was sound, so she wasn’t going to argue too much. “I’ll be my own group – I can take care of myself. The more groups, the more likely one of us will make it, right?”
She could tell Kyle was about to protest, but a shot rang out and silenced him. It veered wide, and Verona spun wildly looking for its source. A second later, a dozen more followed. The group dove for cover behind a group of fake trash bins on the corner of a four-way intersection.
Verona peered around the edge and saw what she hadn’t hoped to see. They must have spotted her team right at the beginning, but had called for reinforcements instead of shooting and giving away their location. Now her team was surrounded by snipers and virtually defenseless.
“Split up,” Kyle cried into the mike. He was shooting around the bins, trying to keep the police team from advancing any closer. Verona winced at the volume. “We can’t – they’ll pick us off too easily,” she said. “We need cover. Or a distraction.”
“I saw a door a little ways down that street,” Merea volunteered, pointing. “They can’t have that much of the area guarded – we can slip through another entrance and get away.”
“Good thinking,” Verona said. “But we still need a distraction.” She scanned the rooftops anxiously. It couldn’t be long before one of the police team found a vantage point where the bins offered no defense.
“I’ll do it,” Nirn said.
Kyle pulled back behind the bins, a scowl masking his features. “There’s too many of them. Whatever you do, do it fast.”
Nirn took a deep breath and plunged out from behind the bins, shooting wildly. At the same time, Verona, Kyle, Merea, and Pren dashed toward the door and piled through it. A moment later, a red death icon flashed in Verona’s holovision. Nirn was down, but the rest of them had made it.
Verona knew they had bought themselves seconds, not minutes. “Go, go, go,” she shouted, urging everyone on. “There’s no time to rest!”
They sprinted across the building, nothing more than a large, empty room with a few doors along the walls. They barged out of the furthest exit and found themselves in a small side street. “Follow the plan,” Kyle said. “Split up – we’ll see you there.”
End of chapter
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Oh I love chapters with action like these, shoot - I love books like this, even if it's practice of a simulation.
Hellooo
I thought it was cool how you were able to keep the suspense and the action up throughout the whole scene and it felt really intense and dramatic. I had to remind myself that this is just practice! No one is actually in danger of dying right now! :p (Unless they secretly are
).
General thoughts.
What an exciting chapter!! I love, love, love that Analia is going to be a spy. Excellent role for her and there will be lots of room for suspense and intrigue with that. In my opinion, the beginning section (end of ch. 12) part felt a little rushed - like when you were writing it you sensed the chapter was getting long and you just wanted to get to the end. I would like to see more of her conversation with Egrand and have all of that slowed down a bit.
Then we had this mock fight thing. It kind of reminded me of Ender's Game and how he prepared for his big mission with a dash of Divergent
So this review is going to be lame, but I really enjoyed this chapter!
Specific thoughts.
This line felt tell-y to me and I don't think that was your intention, I think this was meant to be a transition. I think it has this feel to me because it sounds very past instead of what she's planning on doing. "Analia talked" vs "Analia decided to talk" - to me the first sounds like she's already done it and you're going to summarize what they talked about and the second sound like she's about to do that and you're going to show us (which is what the rest of the scene is).
I was worried [about what]. How does he look when he says this? What does he sound like? I'm still not quite sure what to make of this guy and if I should be on his side or not.
And same here - give us a little more insight into her personality by how she looks/sounds as she says this.
I liked these lines - his subtle manipulation plus the way she responds are nice insights into both of their personalities
I'm not quite sure how I feel about this transition, but I'm glad you didn't show us this part of the conversation. I liked the drama of her kind of walking away in a daze thinking about how she's going to be a spy. I would like a little addition about exactly who or what she will be spying on.
I would spice up their conversation a little more with info about how they say things and maybe more thoughts and stuff. I would also consider making the conversation longer so it stands out more in the chapter. It's a very important conversation, and right now it feels a little brushed over.
Loved this opening line. Way to get us right in the action.
How far away is Verona's cut out?
Love how you passed the time here. I also really appreciated that you brought up Lani again. It's sad when secondary characters are forgotten about
How does she say this? What does she look like?
The match? What match? I know you explain later, but maybe give a little bit of info earlier in the chapter about what they're training for or what they're preparing to do today.
It's like high-stakes laser tag! I love it!
Roughly where is the rendezvous point or how far away is it? How does Verona's team know where it is?
As she's looking around and/or getting ready, give us a little more description of what this place looks like and what kinds of things we can expect them to encounter. Is this set up like a city? I'm picturing a video game right now :p
Oh wait. You did that :p
How does she feel in the fresh air? What's going through her mind and how does she (or how easy is it) to focus back on the task at hand?
Another question answered. But how did Pren figure that out?
I love that she wanted to be by herself - good personality insight. I'm curious to see if this will prove to be a mistake for her.
Can't wait to see how this continues!!
First review!
Alright, good. We're following up on her decision. I felt like the last chapter ended rather abruptly, anyway. While I've highlighted this particular sentence, I might as well comment that I tripped up with the word "uncertainty." Perhaps changing it to "...but also expressing her uncertainty..." would be better.
Analia the spy.... That's exciting.
Huh? The other team doesn't know where to guard? Well, I guess that's fair enough, since there's twice as many on the defensive side. I just feel like the instructions for the event could have been explained better.
It is pretty lucky that the three friends happened to be together. Not exactly realistic, since it was only a team of five, you know. xD Couldn't you have a better explanation to why/how they managed to be on the same team? Just saying that they miraculously managed to stick together doesn't cut it for me. I'm not satisfied with that.
Action, yes! This was a clever idea of yours - setting up a simulation cops-versus-robbers scene while Verona's still in training. Outside, too! Why, though, is this their first time outside? Is it an extremely controlled area? If they're able to do this extensive training outside, only for the rookies, too, why haven't we seen anything else outside? Perhaps that's exactly why - they're rookies. These kind of experiences are rare for them, but when you reach a higher class and get a different colored shirt, there will be more outside excursions because you're trusted more.
I like how you've had the characters act in this scene, too. It's as if I'm reading an actual action scene in the city, and the rebels are trying to escape te police. Their thoughts and actions are authentic, and they're taking the whole thing seriously. Something tells me that this scene foreshadows one that will happen later in the book. I wouldn't be surprised if we saw Verona, Merea, and Kyle working together again to reach a certain place on the real city, facing real enemies and being real rebels.
I feel like something's missing, though. I think it's feeling. Raw feeling. Verona's out in the sunshine again, doing what she's been dreaming to do much of her life - practicing fighting for the good of the Absolutes and their cause. What's she thinking about? I feel like you've whisked the plot along too quickly. Don't be afraid to slooow down. Describe her fears, her dreams, and her excitement.
I'm going to try and fit in one last review before Review Day's over! See ya!