From Father to Son

Hello! I recognise this is on the old side, but I am a Knight of the Green Room and I will not sleep until every piece has at least two reviews! (Okay so maybe I'll sleep a little, but not until I've reviewed your poem )

Specifics

1. Hello rhythm! Okay so your first line is wonderful. It hits all the right sounds and rhythm and it's a perfect eight beat metre. But! I really, really want to see an extra couple of syllables on that second line. The place I want to put these two syllables is before hair and I'm having a difficult time explaining myself, but it may be easier to show you. So I hope you will forgive me if I borrow your entire first stanza and switch your rhythm up:

Blaze your mind through the swamps of muck,
Through the grime shampooing your brittle hair,
And fly your freedom over fierce hurricanes
to blow the wind of the cliffs of despair.

I want blow instead of blowing because it fits better with the imperative tone you have been setting up, which I love by the way. I've changed feelings to freedom as I feel you need a stronger word there. Freedom is a bit of a place-holder and more of a, 'look, we could do something else here but I am too lazy to do it properly'! But hopefully this gives you a few ideas and kicks the inspiration into overdrive.

2. In that second stanza, ruthless and wild are fighting for dominance and you should try to avoid that as it weakens each word and it's wasting words. Having both doesn't add to the winds and there's something off in the rhythm. It would flow better if it was 'as I serenade the ruthless, wild winds' as that would make it less end heavy.

3. I'm not sure about the 'O' of the next line. I've got the enthusiasm, but that feels like you are grinding it in too much. Start from 'I bellow', that would be more fluid.

4. Line five of stanza three needs to be long! You have the perfect set-up, how can you do that and then not follow through I'm a terror for doing this, but I'm afraid I will have to steal your stanza again and make a few small changes! Obviously you don't have to use them, I'm just trying to convey the rhythm in my head because I'm not so good at explaining to you why I feel it should be that way.

I bellow my ballad; I cry out my ode
to the hazes and fogs; to the murky brown bogs;
to the raven that crowed
while you lay in the night
in the bedsheets of a rafty abode.

If you did something like this, and maybe even if you didn't, I feel like the next stanza needs to start with 'And' instead of 'For'.

5. I feel like the last line of stanza four should be 'shards of hope to follow' as it softens that line, which is needed because every other element of the line is soft and the 'that' feels very harsh and ragged in comparison.

6. I don't like the 'dear boy' because it's a phrase heard a lot and I feel it's a waste of a line to be frank.

7. I'm not very fond of either of the last two stanzas. It feels like a bit of a cop out ending and what happened to this being his song? I don't mind it switching to the boy for the final stanza, particularly if you want to imply the boy is falling asleep and he's kind of breaking the third wall. But I would like more of the father's adventures and teachings first please!

Overall

There's some good stuff going on here and I like your rhythm for the most part, but consider your word choice more carefully. You've got a good use of imperative tone and it's a sweet subject matter, brings me somewhat in mind of a mix between the Princess Bride and the poem 'If' by Rudyard Kipling.

Let me know if you've got any questions,

Heather xxx

Hello there ^^
Now, I know this one isn't exactly new, but I found the title and the description interesting, so while I was in the Poetry section.. I figured why not telling you a few words.

It is a beautiful poem, as I see it, with some great imagery and some great words used.

For the winds will howl for eons to come
Tearing marvelous dreams from the sky
And for centuries still the swamps will swallow
Rotting sinews of prayer;
shards of hope that follow.

Yes, you my dear boy,
will conquer great cliffs
thwart the storms of wind and of snow,
You'll fly over peaks as high as the sky,
and sleep peacefully upon fluffy white pillows.

Master_Yoda,

(Awesome username, by the way!)

This was phenomenal. This piece makes my poem seem like a speck of dust! Your imagery was amazing, your word choice mesmerizing and the syntax was awesome. The whole work had a medieval tone to it, but that's just because of your transition words and just wording in general.

Personal Things:

As this section's title suggests, these are just a few things that personally stood out to me.

Throughout the poem, there were random patches of rhyme. I tried to find a specific pattern, but wasn't able to find one. While in themselves, the rhymes are interesting and unique, when put into the rest of the piece, they seem haphazard and unintentional. This was a little bit confusing and put me in a little tizzy. I think this could be improved by either adding more rhymes or just taking them out all together. That being said, this is just a personal thing, and I don't think it is all that bad if you leave them in. Some people find this style of writing interesting, but it can be confusing at times.

In your first stanza, you mention grime shampooing hair which sets the reader up for a more modern style poem (as I don't believe shampooing was a word used in "the olden days"...) but then in the rest of the piece, you use older words which can also be a little confusing. I don't know if "confusing" is the right word, but it's something along the lines of that. (I know I should be good with words, as I am a writer, but I just can't put my finger on the words right now xP)

In your last two stanzas, you use the phrase "you my dear boy" two times to open up each paragraph. I absolutely LOVE repetition and (personally) wished that you had used those four words in other sections of the piece. Or, you could have continued the poem and used it in future stanzas, but that's not mandatory.

Mechanics:

(Here I'm just going to quote different lines and then add my opinion on what the punctuation etc. should be.)

"Blaze your mind through the swamps of muck"

Add a comma after "muck."

"Listen to me son, as I sing you my song"

You can delete the comma after son (it's honestly fine either way.) Or you could even add a comma after "me" which would make the reading smoother.

"O, I bellow my ballad, and I cry out my ode"

The comma after ballad isn't necessary.

"to the hazes and fogs; to the murky brown bogs;"

Instead of having two semicolons separating the phrases, you can just put each set of words on their own lines.

"For the winds will howl for eons to come"

Add a comma after "come."

"Tearing marvelous dreams from the sky"

Add a comma after "sky."

"But you my dear boy,"

Add a comma after "you."

"Yes, you my dear boy,"

Add a comma after "you."

Overall:

This was an amazing piece. I truly enjoyed each and every word. It was especially honoring that you would write this after reading my poem. Even in my wildest dreams, I wouldn't think that my writing could inspire others to write. Thank you so much! Great job and keep writing! Bravo

~ Michael

Wow. This is really amazing. I love your word choice and the flow of the poem. You have amazing imagery.

I can't say much on poetry, so take this with lots of salt. I liked the imagery and flow. Kind of choppy yet it flowed (yes, I know I don't make much sense here, but it's a bit tough to articulate what I want to say.) A lot. But, I didn't quite like the last line with the fluffy pillows. It seemed like too easy a way to end the poem.

amazing.... I wonder how you were able to use such amazing words that indeed do touch the heart of a reader. This reminds me of how touchy the scarlet letter is and I will have to say there is no difference in how strong the words are compared to those in the book. Amazing stuff and indeed a hope-giver to all.