A Job Half Done

Yoda!

Your previous blog entry brought me here for the reason that it 1) offended me, for I believe you are casting aside the few of us in the community who still deeply care and live and strive for our writings and so you've 2) motivated -- No -- propelled me to get out there and review more, and so here we go!

I love these images you have constructed here :3 It's like reality is slipping away at the seams and there's all this fantastic images just hitting us in the face, and it's quite a lovely thing you do. And may I say that this nonrhyming side of you suits you. I like this voice and the easy cadence to my ears, this is something that I would like read aloud to me.

I also love how you played with language and utilized it to full effect here, but I think there are some places where it might've tipped the balance a little too far. Here they are:

[quote]
while the man on the moon was on his honeymoon.

or shooting in chaotic frustration
like a raving lunatic thirsty for genocide.

to fix and making new holes
to make the man on the moon's mansion
look more like a stylish and speckled pepperoni pizza.

I think that even by removing these lines, the poem will still make sense and will actually feel a bit tighter, but again, these are just my own suggestions based upon my interpretation, and you are the one who knows best.

I would also agree with K, I'm not much loving the last line. I think when you leave the poem at the dust settling -- it just leaves me goosebumps, because it leaves this image in my mind of the dust settling, and the poem fades out this way, so your content meets its form. If that makes sense?

Ring me a bell whenever you need a review. From both a reading/writing perspective, I enjoy your stuff.

~ as always, Audy

Captain! I'm here. Sorry it's been so long, life and stuff.

I like this. I mean, I really bloody like this. This piece is a study in construction. The development of a small handful of images is great. It's difficult to do well, either it's too shallow or too dense; but you're nailed it here. Brilliant stuff. The more I read it the better it becomes. I especially dug the second and fifth stanzas. Really nice stuff.

However, there are always things to improve. First, it requires a little trimming. The first two lines of the fourth stanza, and the final line can go. They're not necessarily bad, just a bit obtuse and unnecessary. You momentarily slip from being really clever and awesome to being somewhat heavy-handed. While they're certainly not deal-breakers, they don't add anything vital.
Secondly, enjambment. This one is more personal taste, but still deserves a mention I think. Lines breaks and where you put them is quite important, and I think you can improve here and there. The second half of the first stanza, and the first half of the second stanza, for instance. But again, personal taste.

I know I haven't been much help here Cap, but I honestly can't see much to improve.

K.