i rehearsed inside my head tried a thousand turns of phrase or combinations of carefully calibrated cautiously crafted communications With a lofty wish to lure her near with Marlon Brando macho or if that was too ambitious i’d allow for Al Pacino and if that too was impossible, resort to nervous Neville, or if you will, fall back on my Longbottom. (which i know something about) but not being Marlon Brando has definite disadvantages demonstrably it turns out subpar skills in suave, a shoddy show of swagger and an altogether lack of simple sex appeal it comes as no surprise then, that animal attraction is only ever real. in one goddamn direction and all the careful calibration, the crafting, contemplation couldn’t cure the affliction causing my exasperation because in a hall of mirrors when i look in he stares out. and he isn’t Marlon Brando
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Canary word: Present
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
oh this is so good!（*〇□〇）……！
Thank you marmalade!! Glad you like it
I sympathize with your speaker
Maybe not Marlon Brando but he tries so hard, and I think that is what endears me to the piece—a narrator character fumbling with insecurities but in such a cool way, makes him all the more likable and plus, that end line is delivered marvelously. As a reader I feel tuned in, connected, and really, that is the ultimate sign of success! Characterization and conflict is on point.
I think your experiment helps add a stylistic element and personality, like just the right bit of tongue-and-cheek. I had a chuckle at Longbottom xD
Here though:
I assume the idea expressed here is unrequited attraction, that period seems to interfere with how I want to read the line as one continuous thought. That's a small nitpick for what is otherwise an enjoyable read of wit and fun!
~ as always Audy
Why thank you Audy! From someone who's poetry I respect as I highly as I do yours, this is high praise indeed. You assume correctly, and the period is meant to introduce a pause in rhythm rather than a disruption in thought. Thanks for the thoughtful and insightful review as always!
Good morning! Luata here to write a review. It's a bit early in the morning, so you'll have to forgive me if I stop making sense. As I've told everyone else I've reviewed this morning, feel free to PM me or drop a comment if you have questions. I'd be more than happy to chat! My review is divided into sections to try to make it easier to read. As you are the author and I am not, take my suggestions any way you please. I hope this proves to be somewhat helpful.
Overall
I really enjoyed reading this poem. It had a very fast paced flow, which I found immensely pleasurable. The alliteration is a nice touch, it really helps with flow. You said this was an experimental poem? I would definitely say that it is a success.
Grammar
There were a few grammar things that bothered me quite a bit when reading your poem. The lack of capitalization for one, and the scarcity of punctuation; however, I do believe that was a style choice? So beyond that, no grammar complaints
Again, amazing piece. I look forward to reading your future works!
~Luata
Thank you, Luata!