Chasing butterflies

Yoda!

I love the command of your rhythmns and sounds, especially with the quickening haste the poem seems to draw me along, almost dancing, almost fluttering, the shifts in tempo make things interesting and give the poem more variety, plus, those SOUNDS the bulrushes, the meadows, the flutter moths, I enjoyed this aspect of alliterative play, however, as far as areas to improve, i think while these images are pretty, and do carry a nugget of truth and life experience that is relatable, I am not convinced by it. It's hard to enjoy or appreciate that experience without the proper context or the feeling of having experienced the scenes and emotions for myself. In other words, I'm not fazed or impacted or experiencing the emotions the speaker draws from so in that sense, it reads a little flat. Which is not so bad, I think it can be an easy enough fix. Removing some of the flatter language and giving it more visceral, vivid, punchy words can help.

When the poem highlights "hypnotizes" i want to feel mesmerized as though I am hypnotized myself. When the poem highlights the chase, I want to feel out of breath as though I've given chase to these butterflies myself.

In the beginning of the poem, we open with vivid greens and blues which for me highlight the lushness of the scenery, its a pretty meadow in "gleaming light", these images evoke a sense of wonder but they do not evoke the emotions or desires of the speaker. Same with the flat similes of circuses and fight, these sound flat to me because they take me out of the scene. And to what purpose?

There is space and potential here to have me relate and close up the distance between speaker and reader, like when the speaker stands bewitched, what exactly about the butterflies does that for him? Just the colors? Its not deep enough to get me to experience the moment as the speaker had, but it is all metaphorical imagery and not the grounded, real, raw moments that help transcend us to this place. Like a dead rocketship floating in empty space, how boring. Instead, give us the launchpad, the power the fire that shoots us up there as we make that realization with you.

Of course, take what I say with a grain of salt, just that I read this curious to know what significance the butterflies play to the speaker, and by the end I do feel like I get my answer. It is clear, it is even rhythmically pretty, but then I'm on my way. Don't let me leave so hastily. Let me connect with you instead!

As always, Audy

I'm nostalgic enough to know the sound of the ice cream truck, so thank you, creepy old man well into his fifties wearing suspenders, for my Powerpuff Girls Popsicle.

I dislike my instinct to ballet-coach the rhythm throughout the piece because the hiccups and teeters are very stylistically tuned to the butterfly M.O. Same with the intermittent rhyme, which I appreciate due to its indeterminacy and tact.

First criticisms come in the weakness of choice descriptors, easy low-hanging fruit:

colorful, blew

Oh look, only two. Good on ya. Line three repulses me in the most remarkably literal way possible and it will haunt me in my insomnia for days and nights to come. On the same note, it's awfully fitting giving how much of an introduction the vivid and fanciful nature of the butterfly (let's read this as woman, narrator being cishet male) basically evolves in the taste of the mouth of the narrator through experience and age. The acquired taste of the vivid wings and fanciful dance. Count my disdain for line three courtesy of twirl/whirl. There's a much stronger image to be had, a much smoother and mature narration to give the reader. Dwell on it and decide.

Last two lines totally translate to the old-man-craving-young-flesh trope in first context. Funny at first, but then it clicks pretty well in an emotional context.

You do good work, green man, even if it looks silly on the surface. Bring the truck around more often, yeah?
Ty

King here

Hello there! Such a sweet topic, butterflies! I also like the rhyme that softly harmonizes with the flow of the poetry. Usually I have problem with very short lines in poetries like this one but I do not think there is a problem here. Somehow everything seems and sounds smooth when you read it even in your mind.

I want to ask if the first line 'Chasing butterflies' is actually the first line, hehe, I meant that I am not sure if you repeat the title of this poetry or you start the poetry itself with the same line? If you repeat the title again, you do not need to. I think you do not need this as a line if it is. I am sure that other might have corrected or tried to edit some parts of this work but I will still do it so I feel like I have done my job till its very end.





I saw them once in greens and blues,

bathed in gleaming light.

They danced and swirled, and dipped and whirled.

Like a circus,

like a fight,

I watched bewitched with eyes entrapped.

By flickering wings, wearing colorful rings;

hypnotized

by the pounding rhythm of my own heartbeat.

And then a gale blew them away.

Far away.

Ever since that glorious day,

when butterflies flew through my life

I've scoured misty meadows

and I've and beat about bulrushes on raging riverbanks,

but the feeble flutter of moths in meadows

cannot stop me chasing butterflies

Hey I'm here for a review! (I used to be AliceAfternoon)

Anyway onto this poem! Firstly, the grammar:

Chasing butterflies
I saw them once in greens and blues
bathed in gleaming light.
They danced and swirled and dipped and whirled
Like a circus
Like a fight.
I watched bewitched with eyes, entrapped
by flickering wings, wearing colorful rings; (I'm not very good with semi-colons but I think this is the correct use)
hypnotized,
by the pounding rhythm of my own heartbeat,
and then a gale blew them away;
far away.
[and] ever since that glorious day,
When butterflies flew through my life
I've scoured misty meadows,
and I've and beat about bulrushes (? never heard of this word before xD) on raging riverbanks,
but the feeble flutter of moths in meadows
cannot stop me chasing butterflies.

I noticed that you sometimes capitalize the "I" and sometimes not, "i've". Either is fine in poetry but pick one. You put the title at the beginning of the poem but I wouldn't, it's already above the poem. It confused me at first because I wasn't sure if that was your first sentence or not.

I'd add these two lines together:

"Like a circus
Like a fight"

I just feel like they would look better as:

"Like a circus, like a fight"

If you want anymore reviews, I have a thread where I review poetry: marmalade reviews poetry

marmalade

Hi there! Writervid here to review your poem!

First things first, you have beautiful imagery. I can clearly visualize every detail of the butterflies. This review is mainly for technical things, like redundant lines and punctuation.

I saw them once in greens and blues

bathed in gleaming light

After bathed in gleaming light, put a period. The next line doesn't really continue this, so it should be its own thought.

I like the more vague start of the poem. It definitely forces the reader to visualize a little more and try to make sense of it.

They danced and swirled and dipped and whirled

Like a circus

Like a fight

I'm not sure swirled is the best verb to use. I understand that you're trying to rhyme it with whirled, but it doesn't quite make sense the more you think about it. What is swirling, necessarily?

One thing you might do if you change the verb is make it something more related to fighting. As someone who did martial arts for four years, I understand that fighting can be graceful and beautiful like a dance, but I also see that it has to be precise and a little more aggressive than that. If you change the verb, try communicating that.

There should probably be some punctuation in between the circus and fight lines. Maybe a dash? Unsure.

Also, after like a fight have a period because it's the end of a thought.

Might want to put a period after the hypnotized by own heartbeat line as well.

Is there any purpose to the uncapitalized i's? I dont see it, if there is. You probably should capitalize them.

I don't see any purpose to the "far away" line. You might want to take that out.

And i've and beat about bulrushes on raging riverbanks

That line above messes up your rhythm. too many syllables. Maybe try cutting it down?

This poem really just needed some technical brushing up. It's very well done, and I could picture everything you wrote clearly.

Great job!