Young Writers Society

Heya, Master_Yoda! I'm Tom, I'll be leaving you a review today.

I know the others have pointed this out, but I'm gonna start with the first line of the poem.

"I met a fucking cowgirl"

Now I don't think this ruins the tone of the poem by any means, but it certainly doesn't match it either. Most of the poem seems reflective and wishing things worked out with this cowgirl, so the "fucking" seems almost derogatory towards her and contradicts the meaning of the poem. I understand the "fucking" if you're using it in a way to represent a resentment or sourness about how things went. I also understand using it so the poem flows a bit better in terms of syllable usage. If that's the case, I would personally use a different two syllable adjective to throw in there that more so preserves the tone of the poem as a whole.

The rest of the poem I think for the most part flows very well and is very easy to read and not so much choppy.

I do however want to add on to what RubyRed said about the second paragraph. Perhaps taking out the "though" in the first line. While it's not bad in any way, it doesn't really have any necessary meaning, and it would move along much nicer without it.

My last critique is a small one about the fourth paragraph. Perhaps change "galloped" to "going" or "running." I completely understand the cowgirl theme and why you use it, since she's riding a horse, but it doesn't do it for me. Despite how well it fits the poem's theme, I don't think it fits that line or placement, if you get what I mean. I think "going" or "running" would both flow much more fluidly.

I hope some of these small nitpicks helped. Most of them have to do with how the poem is read and it's flow; that's my main focus with poems. I enjoy their flow and how they read, so if I seem a bit focused in that area then don't be afraid to shrug some of it off.

As I said, I hope some of this came as use. Let me know if there's anything different you'd like out of a future review!

-Tom

Hello, Master_Yoda!

I've seen you on this site time and time again, however, I haven't even seen a work of yours in the Green Room till now. Excited to read this! ^^

So first line,

I met a fucking cowgirl
her hair a fiery mane
she came from rolling meadows
a broad and distant plains
and i wanted to return with her
and ride together into the Western sunset.

Acknowledging the corn, though,
my heart lies in the East
where meadows are scarce
where plains are narrow
where horses cannot ride quite so far
as the illusion of freedom requires
and her home is in the Wild West

And i could not
In good conscience
leave my heart in the East.
nor could i resist the lure of her lasso
so i asked her to join me
in the East
where horses cannot ride quite so far
as the illusion of freedom requires.

HI,

I don't know what do you mean by "fucking cowgirl"? This F word depicts bad stuff. Make it clear about the usage of words. If you use dirty slangs in your work inappropriately then it may lead to confusion. The idea of the poem is good. I can't think it as a good lyric. Words and lines gave me nothing. I didn't feel while reading this piece. As i said, idea is good, but implementation is very bad. So right from the stating I felt bad numerous things:

"why you called a girl...."fucking cowgirl"?"

"what kind of feeling you depicted in this?"

"Is it romantic? But in a wrong fashion. I am afraid."




I hope to see some good work. Keep it down and good work up.