If I could leave you I'd break free
unlock my door and throw the key
into the crashing waves below -
escape from truths that I well know
are truly what imprison me.
your ropes laced with duplicity
have been tied too tight to me.
I'd use a knife but only, oh
if I could leave you.
we have too long lingered by the sea
held fast to something not to be
still, you watch tides come to and fro
while the moon and I cry "let us go!"
and would never again be in captivity
if only I could leave you.
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125,007 Literary Works • 672,815 Reviews
Martian! Darling!
I see you got quite a number of review, and I'm sure some excellent ones (I notice our dear Demi reviewed you). Rather than go through all their reviews and see that they noticed that I noticed too, I'll be brief and point out the things I think more important for you to change.
we have too long lingered by the sea <--this line is too long; messes up your thus far perfect rhythm
held fast to something not to be
still, you watch tides come to and fro <--again, too long a line for your thus far (besides that one line) perfect rhythm
while the moon and I cry "let us go!" <-- there should be a comma after "cry"
and would never again be in captivity <-- there's something off about this line, can't quite put my finger on it. I think it needs a subject, to make it clear and... right. Maybe you can figure out what it isn't quite right about, since I could not. xD
if only I could leave you.
"escape from truths that I well know" I have just a very minor nitpick about this line; I think it would sound better if you said "well I know" instead of "I well know."
Aaaand that's about what I have. =) I hope what little I said was helpful. Good job!
If I could leave you I'd break free
unlock my door and throw the key
into the crashing waves below -
escape from truths that I well know
are truly what imprison me.
your ropes laced with duplicity
have been tied too tight to me.
I'd use a knife but only, oh
if I could leave you...........................I would go
we have too long lingered by the sea
held fast to something not to be
still, you watch tides come to and fro
while the moon and I cry "let us go!"
and would never again be in captivity
if only I could leave you.
.................I'd be gone and you would know we're through
Hello!!
You have real potential!!
Okay, for you, one word--wow...
I REALLY like this piece! You had great wording and from the first sentence, the poem draws me in! I'm so jealous i didn't write this first!!
Great work!! keep it up!
~*Hailey,<3
First, I'm so sorry it took me so long to review this. I was grounded. O: Anyway, here I go. (:
Beautiful poem. Wonderful. (: Now I'm off to show you those little things I'm picking around for. Big surprise, eh? (;
I absolutely love your imagery. (: Great! However, I don't know about anyone else but I had to read this part over a second time. Maybe it's because I'm tired, but it didn't seem to...flow, like the rest of the poem. What I mean is your poem was one of the smoothest I've read in a while, but this part kind of got a little choppy.
Overall: I enjoyed it. This would be one of the few I would read over and over. (: I'm not going to repeat the things the others said, but the only thing I will say is the punctuation and capitalization. It bothered me through the whole thing. Other than all that I liked it (:
Peachykins! <3333 You posted something? You should have told me! I love you. <3
Rhythm of the second line is off, because you try to make us read the first word as accented, when it's naturally not. I can't really think of a good substitution, but if you wanted to, you could even just slip 'much' in after 'too', and then read 'have' and 'been' in quick succession. =] In any case, I love the word 'duplicity', because I can see where it is coming from and it definitely helps explain the reason of this poem, very subtly.
You know, I kind of like this. I remember learning how a change in rhythm can denote a message that is more important, or can serve to reinforce the tone, and that's exactly what you did here, which requires a lot of skill, which makes me love you even more. The fact that you broke from the rhyme and rhythm shows the pain and desperation behind these lines. 'Oh', in any other case, might seem frivolous, but it is, in my opinion, diction, and adds to the personality of the speaker.
The image of the sea and the moon has been used often, but it never seems to get old, and it definitely does not in this poem. It's new and fresh, but I'm kind of disappointed by the end, because that second line of this chunk that I took out is really hard to read with any kind of rhythm at all. I'd say it was because of the same reason as before, but I don't think it is. Try rephrasing it, because it seems clunky right now, especially with 'be in captivity'.
The only thing that really confuses me about this poem is the lack of emotion. Aside from that broken part in the middle, it seems really calm. Then again, thinking about it, that might make it all that more powerful and endearing. You pull of the facade of being in control, but it falters, just for a moment, and we can peer deep into the heart of the matter.
This is such a beautiful poem with that dimension in mind. I love you and I hope you're doing well, sorry that you have to go through something like this, but it makes darn good poems. xDD <3
PM me/talk to me later if you have any questions. <3 <3 <3
-Toast-
So, firstly, this is my first review, so...good luck to us both, eh?
This is the best opening stanza of a poem I think I have read in a long time. It has rhythm, rhyme and it makes sense. Rhythm in poems that contain rhymes seem to be hard, especially for people who are trying to rhyme, you keep in time with yourself perfectly. Also, the rhyming is fantastic. I usually hate poetry that rhymes, but I love this, it isn't forced, it flows greatly.
Best line in your poem.
Compared to your first stanza this one is disappointing. You get what you're trying to say across, but it seems so bland as it doesn't have a specific rhythm you can feel. I think the 'oh' in the third line coupled with the simplicity of the last line is what's throwing me off.
In this stanza you copy the same amazing mastery of rhythm that you had in your first stanza, which leads me to love it, of course. This stanza has the final imagery you need to really, I don't know how to say it, get the feel of the way the person from this poem feels.
Writing a poem that has a simple idea, wanting to go and wanting to stay, being torn, is quite hard, especially when it involves rhyming, or at least for me it is. You have managed to get this feeling down very well, you should be proud of this poem, and like another review said, I wish I had written it.
Mars that was a fine poem. I like that message of leaving but not really leaving. Its been becoming more frequent and yours is written well
The imagery of the sea and ropes was nice.
Mars! *claps hands* I absolutely loved this! I have nothing to add, since the above reviews covered pretty much everything. I am awfully surprised on how the lack of punctuation at the end of the sentences quite worked very well here
I couldn't be happier! I think this is very, very good. Your imagery is astonishing and I was surprised on how easily I could relate to this.
Very nice, indeed! Hope to see more of this
*Kat*
Hi, Marsmars! I haven't read your work in ages, although it's more like I haven't read anything in ages.
I'm a little torn about the "the"s, because my head says to point them out as annoying repetitive things, but my heart says to love them as rhythm-bringing little cute fuzzballs. (lolwut?) My point, if there is one, is that at first they don't stand out, but when the reader focuses on them by reading it again, they are kind of the neon red pieces of plastic on a green meadow.
Another thing about this stanza, I really like the flow, but the last line seems to break it a little. I can relate to the stanza, but the last line is like dragging behind the rest, if you know what I mean.
The first two lines... I could say they are my favourite part in the poem. They're pretty simple, but then they aren't. They're laced with duplicity too! The flow is great, and I've always loved little tonguetwisters, like the "tied too tight" you have here.
But then the third line is a red piece of plastic again. It's actually only the vague way you say "I'd use the knife". I feel like I want more details. I don't really like vagueness. =)
Apart from that, the despair in this really shows and it's lovely. I can feel it, which is the most important part.
Even though this stanza might be disturbing to the reader at first because of its length, it's still beautiful and has some great imagery in it. The only thing that was a bit meh for me was the "hear my plea" – I feel like I've heard that so many times before.
Overall, I very much enjoyed this poem, because I can relate to it and because it's not too hard to understand, but is still enigmatic enough. Not to mention the pretty images and word choices. You've got a great piece here, dear Carrie.
Dems
xxx
*claps* I really liked this poem! XD
The only thing I have to point out is that, since you are using punctuation, you need to have capitals at the beginning of the new sentences.
But other than that, I liked it a lot. It's one of those poems you read, like and wish you'd wrote. =P Great stuff! I give you a gold star.
^_^ Keek
(Sorry for the nonconstructive review =P)
Hello,
Great poem. What I really liked about this poem was the introductory smoothness. For example, you had rhymes that made sense, and the endings of each verse, because they were more emphasized by the overall body of that particular verse, had a stronger attachment. In particular,
followed by,
really made it clear that the person, whose emotions and wants is being described by this poem, has a strong repulsion towards the subject being described. Overall, I liked this poem because of it's simplicity in understanding and I look forward to reading more.
Best of wishes,
Yasser