(If you knew my town it might be easier to appreciate, but I still need advice on stanzas, word choice, etc.)
My Town
My town is
big enough for the both of us.
And small enough for me to
run into you at that little coffee shop
on Goodwin.
In my town
it takes 20 minutes to get anywhere
just because of the construction and
it's always there because
my town is always growing and changing.
In my town,
if someone says the Station
you know they mean the theatre.
If someone says the Echo
you know they mean the paper.
If someone says Granger
you know they mean the library.
Stone Creek means rich
Scottswood means poor
Green Street means shopping
or eating at a chain restaurant.
On campus means coffee
or live music
or partying.
And if you say St. Jo,
you're probably only talking about
the school.
It takes two cities
to take in my town
with all its cornfields:
we have more corn than
Pennsylvania, you know.
More dialects, too.
We switch dialects every five minutes.
We talk like a Texan to neighbors,
like a Canadian to elders,
like a Californian to best friends.
In my town,
we eat barbeque and tofu.
We know what the inside of a barn
looks like
and also
the inside of an art museum.
We're simply complex.
We're culturally spontaneous.
We're the nicest people you'll ever meet.
Points:
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Canary word: Present
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Original Text:
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139,440 Literary Works • 672,564 Reviews
maybe this is just me, but the first stanza reminded me of like a love story. for the whole poem, i thought it was a girl talking to a guy! maybe if you put that stanza somewhere else in the poem, it would not confuse the reader. or maybe i am just thick! : )
i loved this.
i like your stanzas and the way the line breaks are. they create a nice rhythm, i think. the lack of punctuation didn't annoy me. may i just point out my favorite, favorie parts?
i like the voice!
clever.
the line breaks create just perfecccct rhythm here. it is a great juxtaposition.
well done.
Hey there Witch!
As niteowl said, the concept behind this was great, but it could be a little better if you worked on the formatting.
As you said, it would be easier to understand if we knew your town, but seeing that most of us don't, this becomes a bit confusing for the reader.
When this is read aloud, some parts kind of sound like a run-on sentence and that kind of butchers the point of the poem. Perhaps throwing some punctuation in there might help, dear.
Also! Some of the stanzas don't match! Obviously this is free form poetry, but I think you should construct the first stanza in a way where you can have the following ones match it.
You give us some interesting points about your tow, but we want to know more. We NEED to know more... this poem kind of leaves us searching for more. Tell us more about the appearance. we know it's still growing and you've got more corn than Pennsylvania, but we still want to know what else comes of it.
Read this aloud! It was kind of iffy, and didn't flow well. Some parts flowed fine, but then it was such an abrupt change at the next stanza so it was hard to follow.
All of that to say, with a bit of polishing, you can make this into something great.
Good job! Keep it up!
I hope I wasn't too harsh!
xxJune
Very good. Fun to read, fun to visualize. (Easy to read and visualize too!) So nice job on being well written.
Specifically...
I'd consider rewording the stanza about Echo, Granger, etc. so that it isn't so repetitive wording. On the other hand, the way you have it now sets up a nice rythm effect. Your call, just something to think about.
I'm also not sure if the last stanza is entirely necessary. It kind of repeats everything you originally said, which might have been your plan. (If so, very effective! Congrats!) I'd say the same thing about repetitive wording though. It's rythmic which is good, but it's repeptive. I think variety in phrasing, particularly in this last stanza, might add something to your poem.
But lovely job overall, to end positively!
Hi! I'm Elise, and I want to say I loved this! It reminds me SOOOO much of my hometown! You captured the heart of a small town perfectly.
I think your rythm was very good, and I knew exactly what you were talking about with the 'you know they're talking about' bits, bc its the same way in my town.
(in fact, by the time I got to the end of your poem, I thought you were talking about my town.)
I do think that in the 'you know they're talking about' stanza there's a bit too much repetition, but other than that I think it was really great!
Keep up the good work!
-Elise
You sure said it wright. I don't know your town. I didn't get a single clue what are you talking about....I know it's about town but still... I have a preposition for you: Try to write a story about your town... The listener(reader) will get clearer picture about your town... And you can talk about more detailed items like friends, buildings, fields . You can even describe every stalk of grass if you want.
I liked the concept behind this, but it could be better if you worked on your formatting. Proper capitalization and punctuation would make the piece look a lot smoother. Also, try splitting it into stanzas. That helps the reader figure out what ideas belong together.
To end on a positive note, I liked the first sentence. Keep writing!