"Hon, I don't know
where you do more acting.
On stage or offstage or backstage or
what."
My therapist said that to me
after the umpteenth time
I paid her to sit on her couch
and listen to the wind and the birds.
And I learned after all those
billable hours of silence
that if you listen closely
the sun's rays make a noise
when they hit the ground.
A noise sort of like
"Ohhh."
Like they just sat down after
a long long period of standing.
Like they just drank water after
a long long period of thirst
Like they just fell in love after
a long long period of loneliness.
"Ohhh."
But, who knows, right?
I don't, and, really,
I don't know
where those rays do more acting-
on stage or offstage or backstage or
what.
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142,214 Literary Works • 676,887 Reviews
@Monstrar: Thanks!
@Nolan: Yeah, I agree. It was sort of one those, 'I'm just going to put words on the page' things, so I didn't think about format so much.
I don't think I'll do anything with it. Just let it sink to the bottom of my portfolio. Thanks for taking the time to read and review, though.
This whole storyline/idea is pretty good, but it's less of a poem and more of an "it" or a "thing," and less of a poem.
You might try rewriting the whole thing: punctuate it, formulate stanzas, get a rhythm going, etc., or you might just rewrite it into a short story.
Either way, the format's kinda disconcerting, and, overall, it detracts greatly from the story.
I like the poem, but for me at first it was hard to actually get the "feel" of it and get a rhythym going.
I like your basis and the idea you have behind your poem. The story it tells is deep and insightful. Very lovely.