Eulogy
Chrysanthemums line the path I walk
As I roam the graveyard at close of day.
Wondering if the dead could talk-
What have they seen, what would they say?
A thousand names engraved in stone
Like statues that time cannot erase;
Though surrounded by others, each one alone
With no one to see them to a higher place.
Yet as they sleep, flowers grow
And birds will sing; and rain will fall.
Lives end to be replaced and so
Continues the cycle of one and all.
I know not tales of lives gone by
Just, in the end, all things must die.
*
Quite rough, I'm afraid, so do what you have to. Thank you in advance for any constructive feedback you can give me.
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Gorgeous, I have to ask this question and I don't want it to seem like in insult in a way.
But, do your poems just come along kind of spontaneously and this is just how they come out?
Like they have personal meaning to you in way, but simply the poem more or so found you?
Hey Mars!
Just thought I'd check out a more recent poem of yours and I really liked this one as well. You should really think about writing a book of poetry, you'd be great at it. Perfect way to start and end and a lovely lovely title. It fits.
*Clicks gold star*
Ta,
~Angel
I would get rid of 'Though' and put 'Nobody' in place of 'with no one' It'd sound better. I like the imagery though!
Love it.
The 'so' seems out of place and leaves the second line awkward. get rid of 'and so' and put 'Continuing' in place of 'continue'. *Suggestion*
Put a 'the' after 'not'. It'd sound better. Or, 'Oblivious to lives as I pass by' either one. It just seems forced a little.
Overall: I liked it, I think that it could use some work but that can be fixed. I also think you need some better word choices in there. 'Spice it up'.
My pleasure,
---Jon---
Moomars! It's writing! Omgoshness!! ^_^
Haha, so I have to tell you that while I was reading this poem, I was in a singing mood and ended up reading it aloud... more like singing it? It was fun. xD It really gave the last stanza a lot more meaning, but the way you've written it makes it seem like it just leaves off without any kind of resolution except a fact we've already known. I feel like there's a lot lying under this poem that isn't explicitly stated in the words, but peaks out especially during this stanza:
Just that kind of statement, which could be controversial if it were more explicit, leaves a question hanging in the reader's mind. ^_^ I love it. C:
I do have a comment on something that I don't think fits quite perfectly yet. xD
These lines, to me, feel relatively forced, mostly the second line of that first section in here. >_< 'One and all' is such an awkward phrase to stick in what has been a beautiful piece up until then! I'd suggest trying to find something else to fit in there. xD Haha~
There's also something kind of 'off' about the last stanza too, but I really can't put my finger on it, so I don't think I'll be much help. xD I like the last stanza, as I said before, for the tone it leaves us on... so I don't know that you need to change it anyway. xD
I like this a lot, Moomars! This is why I married you! -thumbs up-
-Hannah-
<3